Flaubert's Parrot

 

Julian Barnes

 

To Pat

When you write the biography of a friend,

you must do it as if you were taking revenge for him.

 

 

Flaubert, letter to Enest Feydeau, 1872

 

 

Note

 

I am grateful to James Fenton and the Salamander Press for permission to reprint the

lines from 'A German Requiem' on page 115. The translations in this book are by

Geoffrey Braithwaite; though he would have been lost without the impeccable example

of Francis Steegmuller.

 

J.B.

1: Flaubert's Parrot

Six North Africans were playing boules beneath Flaubert's statue. Clean cracks sounded

over the grumble of jammed traffic. With a final, ironic caress from the fingertips, a

brown hand dispatched a silver globe. It landed, hopped heavily, and curved in a slow

scatter of hard dust. The thrower remained a stylish, temporary statue: knees not quite

unbent, and the right hand ecstatically spread. I noticed a furled white shirt, a bare

forearm and a blob on the back of the wrist. Not a watch, as I first thought, or a tattoo, but

a coloured transfer: the face of a political sage much admired in the desert.

 

Let me start with the statue: the one above, the permanent, unstylish one, the one crying

cupreous tears, the floppy-tied, square-waistcoated, baggy-trousered, stragglemoustached,

wary, aloof bequeathed image of the man. Flaubert doesn't return the gaze.

He stares south from the place des Carmes towards the Cathedral, out over the city he

despised, and which in turn has largely ignored him. The head is defensively high: only

the pigeons can see the full extent of the writer's baldness.

 

This statue isn't the original one. The Germans took the first Flaubert away in 1941, along

with the railings and door-knockers. Perhaps he was processed into cap-badges. For a

decade or so, the pedestal was empty. Then a Mayor of Rouen who was keen on statues

rediscovered the original plaster cast—made by a Russian called Leopold Bernstamm—

and the city council approved the making of a new image. Rouen bought itself a proper

metal statue in 93 per cent copper and 7 per cent tin: the founders, Rudier of Châtillonsous-

Bagneux, assert that such an alloy is guarantee against corrosion. Two other towns,

Trouville and Barentin, contributed to the project and received stone statues. These have

worn less well. At Trouville Flaubert's upper thigh has had to be patched, and bits of his

moustache have fallen off. structural wires poke out like twigs from a concrete stub on

his upper lip.

 


 

Perhaps the foundry's assurances can be believed; perhaps this second-impression statue

will last. But I see no particular grounds for confidence. Nothing much else to do with

Flaubert has ever lasted. He died little more than a hundred years ago, and all that

remains of him is paper. Paper, ideas, phrases, metaphors, structured prose which turns

into sound. This, as it happens, is precisely what he would have wanted; it's only his

admirers who sentimentally complain. The writer's house at Croisset was knocked down

shortly after his death and replaced by a factory for extracting alcohol from damaged

wheat. It wouldn't take much to get rid of his effigy either: if one statue-loving Mayor can

put it up, another—perhaps a bookish party-liner who has half-read Sartre on Flaubert—

might zealously take it down.

 

I begin with the statue, because that's where I began the whole project. Why does the

writing make us chase the writer? Why can't we leave well alone? Why aren't the books

enough? Flaubert wanted them to be: few writers believed more in the objectivity of the

written text and the insignificance of the writer's personality; yet still we disobediently

pursue. The image, the face, the signature; the 93 per cent copper statue and the Nadar

photograph; the scrap of clothing and the lock of hair. What makes us randy for relics?

Don't we believe the words enough? Do we think the leavings of a life contain some

ancillary truth? When Robert Louis Stevenson died, his business-minded Scottish nanny

quietly began selling hair which she claimed to have cut from the writer's head forty

years earlier. The believers, the seekers, the pursuers bought enough of it to stuff a sofa.

 

I decided to save Croisset until later. I had five days in Rouen, and childhood instinct still

makes me keep the best until last. Does the same impulse sometimes operate with

writers? Hold off, hold off, the best is yet to come? If so, then how tantalising are the

unfinished books. A pair of them come at once to mind: Bouvard et Pécuchet, where

Flaubert sought to enclose and subdue the whole world, the whole of human striving and

human failing; and L'Idiot de la famille, where Sartre sought to enclose the whole of

Flaubert: enclose and subdue the master writer, the master bourgeois, the terror, the

enemy, the sage. A stroke terminated the first project; blindness abbreviated the second.

 

I thought of writing books myself once. I had the ideas; I even made notes. But I was a

doctor, married with children. You can only do one thing well: Flaubert knew that. Being

a doctor was what I did well. My wife…died. My children are scattered now; they write

whenever guilt impels. They have their own lives, naturally. 'Life! Life! To have

erections!' I was reading that Flaubertian exclamation the other day. It made me feel like

a stone statue with a patched upper thigh.

 

The unwritten books? They aren't a cause for resentment. There are too many books

already. Besides, I remember the end of L'Education sentimentale. Frédéric and his

companion Deslauriers are looking back over their lives. Their final, favourite memory is

of a visit to a brothel years before, when they were still schoolboys. They had planned the

trip in detail, had their hair specially curled for the occasion, and had even stolen flowers

for the girls. But when they got to the brothel, Frédéric lost his nerve, and they both ran

away. Such was the best day of their lives. Isn't the most reliable form of pleasure,

Flaubert implies, the pleasure of anticipation? Who needs to burst into fulfilment's

desolate attic?

 


 

I spent my first day wandering about Rouen, trying to recognise parts of it from when I'd

come through in 1944. Large areas were bombed and shelled, of course; after forty years

they're still patching up the Cathedral. I didn't find much to colour in the monochrome

memories. Next day I drove west to Caen and then north to the beaches. You follow a

series of weathered tin signs, erected by the Ministère des Travaux Publics et des

Transports. This way for the Circuit des Plages de Débarquement: a tourist route of the

landings. East of Arromanches lie the British and Canadian beaches—Gold, Juno, Sword.

Not an imaginative choice of words; so much less memorable than Omaha and Utah.

Unless, of course, it's the actions that make the words memorable, and not the other way

round.

 

Graye-sur-Mer, Courseulles-sur-Mer, Ver-sur-Mer, Asnelles, Arromanches. Down tiny

sidestreets you suddenly come across a place des Royal Engineers or a place W.

Churchill. Rusting tanks stand guard over beach huts; slab monuments like ships' funnels

announce in English and French: 'Here on the 6th June 1944 Europe was liberated by the

heroism of the Allied Forces.' It is very quiet, and not at, all sinister. At Arromanches I

put two one-franc pieces into the Télescope Panoramique (Très Puissant 15/6o Longue

Durée) and traced the curving morse of the Mulberry Harbour far out to sea. Dot, dash,

dash, dash went the concrete caissons, with the unhurried water between them. Shags had

colonised these square boulders of wartime junk.

 

I lunched at the Hôtel de la Marine overlooking the bay. I was close to where friends had

died—the sudden friends those years produced—and yet I felt unmoved. 50th Armoured

Division, Second British Army. Memories came out of hiding, but not emotions; not even

the memories of emotions. After lunch I went to the museum and watched a film about

the landings, then drove ten kilometres to Bayeux to examine that other cross-Channel

invasion of nine centuries earlier. Queen Matilda's tapestry is like horizontal cinema, the

frames joined edge to edge. Both events seemed equally strange: one too distant to be

true, the other too familiar to be true. How do we seize the past? Can we ever do so?

When I was a medical student some pranksters at an end-of-term dance released into the

hall a piglet which had been smeared with grease. It squirmed between legs, evaded

capture, squealed a lot. People fell over trying to grasp it, and were made to look

ridiculous in the process. The past often seems to behave like that piglet.

 

On my third day in Rouen I walked to the Hôtel-Dieu, the hospital where Gustave's father

had been head surgeon, and where the writer spent his childhood. Along the avenue

Gustave Flaubert, past the Imprimerie Flaubert and a snack-bar called Le Flaubert: you

certainly feel you're going in the right direction. Parked near the hospital was a large

white Peugeot hatchback: it was painted with blue stars, a telephone number and the

words AMBULANCE FLAUBERT. The writer as healer? Unlikely. I remembered

George Sand's matronly rebuke to her younger colleague. 'You produce desolation,' she

wrote, 'and I produce consolation.' The Peugeot should have read AMBULANCE

GEORGE SAND.

 

At the Hôtel-Dieu I was admitted by a gaunt, fidgety gardien whose white coat puzzled

me. He wasn't a doctor, a pharmacien or a cricket umpire. White coats imply antisepsis

and clean judgment. Why should a museum caretaker wear one—to protect Gustave's

childhood from germs? He explained that the museum was devoted partly to Flaubert and

 


 

partly to medical history, then hurried me round, locking the doors behind us with noisy

efficiency. I was shown the room where Gustave was born, his eau-de-Cologne pot,

tobacco jar and first magazine article. Various images of the writer confirmed the dire

early shift he underwent from handsome youth to paunchy, balding burgher. Syphilis,

some conclude. Normal nineteenth-century ageing, others reply. Perhaps it was merely

that his body had a sense of decorum: when the mind inside declared itself prematurely

old, the flesh did its best to conform. I kept reminding myself that he had fair hair. It's

hard to remember: photographs make everyone seem dark.

 

The other rooms contained medical instruments of the eighteenth and nineteenth

centuries: heavy metal relics coming to sharp points, and enema pumps of a calibre which

surprised even me. Medicine then must have been such an exciting, desperate, violent

business; nowadays it is all pills and bureaucracy. Or is it just that the past seems to

contain more local colour than the present? I studied the doctoral thesis of Gustave's

brother Achille: it was called 'Some Considerations on the Moment of Operation on the

Strangulated Hernia'. A fraternal parallel: Achille's thesis later became Gustave's

metaphor. 'I feel, against the stupidity of my time, floods of hatred which choke me. Shit

rises to my mouth as in the case of a strangulated hernia. But I want to keep it, fix it,

harden it; I want to concoct a paste with which I shall cover the nineteenth century, in the

same way as they paint Indian pagodas with cow dung.'

 

The conjunction of these two museums seemed odd at first. It made sense when I

remembered Lemot's famous cartoon of Flaubert dissecting Emma Bovary. It shows the

novelist flourishing on the end of a large fork the dripping heart he has triumphantly torn

from his heroine's body. He brandishes the organ aloft like a prize surgical exhibit, while

on the left of the drawing the feet of the recumbent, violated Emma are just visible. The

writer as butcher, the writer as sensitive brute.

 

Then I saw the parrot. It sat in a small alcove, bright green and perky-eyed, with its head

at an inquiring angle. 'Psittacus,' ran the inscription on the end of its perch: 'Parrot

borrowed by G. Flaubert from the Museum of Rouen and placed on his work-table during

the writing of Un coeur simple, where it is called Loulou, the parrot of Félicité, the

principal character in the tale.' A Xeroxed letter from Flaubert confirmed the fact: the

parrot, he wrote, had been on his desk for three weeks, and the sight of it was beginning

to irritate him.

 

Loulou was in fine condition, the feathers as crisp and the eye as irritating as they must

have been a hundred years earlier. I gazed at the bird, and to my surprise felt ardently in

touch with this writer who disdainfully forbade posterity to take any personal interest in

him. His statue was a retread; his house had been knocked down; his books naturally had

their own life—responses to them weren't responses to him. But here, in this

unexceptional green parrot, preserved in a routine yet mysterious fashion, was something

which made me feel I had almost known the writer. I was both moved and cheered.

 

On the way back to my hotel I bought a student text of Un coeur simple. Perhaps you

know the story. It's about a poor, uneducated servant-woman called Félicité, who serves

the same mistress for half a century, unresentfully sacrificing her own life to those of

others. She becomes attached, in turn, to a rough fiancé, to her mistress's children, to her

 


 

nephew, and to an old man with a cancerous arm. All of them are casually taken from

her: they die, or depart, or simply forget her. It is an existence in which, not surprisingly,

the consolations of religion come to make up for the desolations of life.

 

The final object in Félicité's ever—diminishing chain of attachments is Loulou, the

parrot. When, in due course, he too dies, Félicité has him stuffed. She keeps the adored

relic beside her, and even takes to saying her prayers while kneeling before him. A

doctrinal confusion develops in her simple mind: she wonders whether the Holy Ghost,

conventionally represented as a dove, would not be better portrayed as a parrot. Logic is

certainly on her side: parrots and Holy Ghosts can speak, whereas doves cannot. At the

end of the story, Félicité herself dies. 'There was a smile on her lips. The movements of

her heart slowed down beat by beat, each time more distant, like a fountain running dry

or an echo disappearing; and as she breathed her final breath she thought she saw, as the

heavens opened for her, a gigantic parrot hovering above her head.'

 

The control of tone is vital. Imagine the technical difficulty of writing a story in which a

badly stuffed bird with a ridiculous name ends up standing in for one third of the Trinity,

and in which the intention is neither satirical, sentimental, nor blasphemous. Imagine

further telling such a story from the point of view of an ignorant old woman without

making it sound derogatory or coy. But then the aim of Un coeur simple is quite

elsewhere: the parrot is a perfect and controlled example of the Flaubertian grotesque.

 

We can, if we wish (and if we disobey Flaubert), submit the bird to additional

interpretation. For instance, there are submerged parallels between the life of the

prematurely aged novelist and the maturely aged Félicité. Critics have sent in the ferrets.

Both of them were solitary; both of them had lives stained with loss; both of them,

though full of grief, were persevering. Those keen to push things further suggest that the

incident in which Félicité is struck down by a mail-coach on the road to Honfleur is a

submerged reference to Gustave's first epileptic fit, when he was struck down on the road

outside Bourg-Achard. I don't know. How submerged does a reference have to be before

it drowns?

 

In one cardinal way, of course, Félicité is the complete opposite of Flaubert: she is

virtually inarticulate. But you could argue that this is where Loulou comes in. The parrot,

the articulate beast, a rare creature that makes human sounds. Not for nothing does

Félicité confuse Loulou with the Holy Ghost, the giver of tongues.

 

Félicité + Loulou = Flaubert? Not exactly; but you could claim that he is present in both

of them. Félicité encloses his character; Loulou encloses his voice. You could say that the

parrot, representing clever vocalisation without much brain power, was Pure Word. If

you were a French academic, you might say that he was un symbole de Logos. Being

English, I hasten back to the corporeal: to that svelte, perky creature I had seen at the

Hôtel-Dieu. I imagined Loulou sitting on the other side of Flaubert's desk and staring

back at him like some taunting reflection from a funfair mirror. No wonder three weeks

of its parodic presence caused irritation. Is the writer much more than a sophisticated

parrot?

 

We should perhaps note at this point the four principal encounters between the novelist

 


 

and a member of the parrot family. In the 1830s, during their annual holiday at Trouville,

the Flaubert household regularly used to visit a retired sea-captain called Pierre Barbey;

his ménage, we are told, included a magnificent parrot. In 1845 Gustave was travelling

through Antibes, on his way to Italy, when he came across a sick parakeet which merited

an entry in his diary; the bird used to perch carefully on the mudguard of its owner's light

cart, and at dinnertime would be brought in and placed on the mantelpiece. The diarist

notes the 'strange love' clearly evident between man and pet. In 1851, returning from the

Orient via Venice, Flaubert heard a parrot in a gilt cage calling out over the Grand Canal

its imitation of a gondolier: 'Fà eh, capo die.' In 1853 he was again in Trouville; lodging

with a pharmacien, he found himself constantly irritated by a parrot which screamed, 'Astu

déjeuné, Jako?' and 'Cocu, mon petit coco.' It also whistled' J'ai du bon tabac.' Was

any of these four birds, in whole or in part, the inspiration behind Loulou? And did

Flaubert see another living parrot between 1853 and 1876, when he borrowed a stuffed

one from the Museum of Rouen? I leave such matters to the professionals.

 

I sat on my hotel bed; from a neighbouring room a telephone imitated the cry of other

telephones. I thought about the parrot in its alcove barely half a mile away. A cheeky

bird, inducing affection, even reverence. What had Flaubert done with it after finishing

Un coeur simple? Did he put it away in a cupboard and forget about its irritating

existence until he was searching for an extra blanket? And what happened, four years

later, when an apoplectic stroke left him dying on his sofa? Did he perhaps imagine,

hovering above him, a gigantic parrot—this time not a welcome from the Holy Ghost but

a farewell from the Word?

 

'I am bothered by my tendency to metaphor, decidedly excessive. I am devoured by

comparisons as one is by lice, and I spend my time doing nothing but squashing them.'

Words came easily to Flaubert; but he also saw the underlying inadequacy of the Word.

Remember his sad definition from Madame Bovary: 'Language is like a cracked kettle on

which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while all the time we long to move the

stars to pity.' So you can take the novelist either way: as a pertinacious and finished

stylist; or as one who considered language tragically insufficient. Sartreans prefer the

second option: for them Loulou's inability to do more than repeat at second hand the

phrases he hears is an indirect confession of the novelist's own failure. The parrot/writer

feebly accepts language as something received, imitative and inert. Sartre himself

rebuked Flaubert for passivity, for belief (or collusion in the belief) that on est parlé—

one is spoken.

 

Did that burst of bubbles announce the gurgling death of another submerged reference?

The point at which you suspect too much is being read into a story is when you feel most

vulnerable, isolated, and perhaps stupid. Is a critic wrong to read Loulou as a symbol of

the Word? Is a reader wrong—worse, sentimental—to think of that parrot at the Hôtel-

Dieu as an emblem of the writer's voice? That's what I did. Perhaps this makes me as

simple-minded as Félicité.

 

But whether you call it a tale or a text, Un coeur simple echoes on in the brain. Allow me

to cite David Hockney, benign if unspecific, in his autobiography: 'The story really

affected me, and I felt it was a subject I could get into and really use.' In 1974 Mr

Hockney produced a pair of etchings: a burlesque version of Félicité's view of Abroad (a

 


 

monkey stealing away with a woman over its shoulder), and a tranquil scene ofFélicité

asleep with Loulou. Perhaps he will do some more in due course.

 

On my last day in Rouen I drove out to Croisset. Normandy rain was falling, soft and

dense. What was formerly a remote village on the banks of the Seine, backdropped by

green hills, has now become engulfed by thumping dockland. Pile-drivers echo, gantries

hang over you, and the river is thickly commercial. Passing lorries rattle the windows of

the inevitable Bar Le Flaubert.

 

Gustave noted and approved the oriental habit of knocking down the houses of the dead;

so perhaps he would have been less hurt than his readers, his pursuers, by the destruction

of his own house. The factory for extracting alcohol from damaged wheat was pulled

down in its turn; and on the site there now stands, more appropriately, a large paper-mill.

All that remains of Flaubert's residence is a small one-storey pavilion a few hundred

yards down the road: a summer house to which the writer would retire when needing

even more solitude than usual. It now looks shabby and pointless, but at least it's

something. On the terrace outside, a stump of fluted column, dug up at Carthage, has

been erected to commemorate the author of Salammbô. I pushed the gate; an Alsatian

began barking, and a white-haired gardienne approached. No white coat for her, but a

well-cut blue uniform. As I cranked up my French I remembered the trademark of the

Carthaginian interpreters in Salammbô: each, as a symbol of his profession, has a parrot

tattooed on his chest. Today the brown wrist of the African boules-player wears a Mao

transfer.

 

The pavilion contains a single room, square with a tented ceiling. I was reminded of

Félicité's room: 'It had the simultaneous air of a chapel and a bazaar.' Here too were the

ironic conjunctions—trivial knick-knack beside solemn relic—of the Flaubertian

grotesque. The items on display were so poorly arranged that I frequently had to get

down on my knees to squint into the cabinets: the posture of the devout, but also of the

junk-shop treasure-hunter.

 

Félicité found consolation in her assembly of stray objects, united only by their owner's

affection. Flaubert did the same, preserving trivia fragrant with memories. Years after his

mother's death he would still sometimes ask for her old shawl and hat, then sit down with

them to dream a little. The visitor to the Croisset pavilion can almost do the same: the

exhibits, carelessly laid out, catch your heart at random. Portraits, photographs, a clay

bust; pipes, a tobacco jar, a letter opener; a toad-inkwell with a gaping mouth; the gold

Buddha which stood on the writer's desk and never irritated him; a lock of hair, blonder,

naturally, than in the photographs.

 

Two exhibits in a side cabinet are easy to miss: a small tumbler from which Flaubert took

his last drink of water a few moments before he died; and a crumpled pad of white

handkerchief with which he mopped his brow in perhaps the last gesture of his life. Such

ordinary props, which seemed to forbid wailing and melodrama, made me feel I had been

present at the death of a friend. I was almost embarrassed: three days before I had stood

unmoved on a beach where close companions had been killed. Perhaps this is the

advantage of making friends with those already dead: your feelings towards them never

cool.

 


 

Then I saw it. Crouched on top of a high cupboard was another parrot. Also bright green.

Also, according to both the gardienne and the label on its perch, the very parrot which

Flaubert harrowed from the Museum of Rouen for the writing of Un coeur simple. I

asked permission to take the second Loulou down, set him carefully on the corner of a

display cabinet, and removed his glass dome.

 

How do you compare two parrots, one already idealised by memory and metaphor, the

other a squawking intruder? My initial response was that the second seemed less

authentic than the first, mainly because it had a more benign air. The head was set

straighter on the body, and its expression was less irritating than that of the bird at the

Hôtel-Dieu. Then I realised the fallacy in this: Flaubert, after all, hadn't been given a

choice of parrots; and even this second one, which looked the calmer company, might

well get on your nerves after a couple of weeks.

 

I mentioned the question of authenticity to the gardienne. She was, understandably, on

the side of her own parrot, and confidently discounted the claims of the Hôtel-Dieu. I

wondered if somebody knew the answer. I wondered if it mattered to anyone except me,

who had rashly invested significance in the first parrot. The writer's voice—what makes

you think it can be located that easily? Such was the rebuke offered by the second parrot.

As I stood looking at the possibly inauthentic Loulou, the sun lit up that corner of the

room and turned his plumage more sharply yellow. I replaced the bird and thought: I am

now older than Flaubert ever was. It seemed a presumptuous thing to be; sad and

unmerited.

 

Is it ever the right time to die? It wasn't for Flaubert; or for George Sand, who didn't live

to read Un coeur simple. 'I had begun it solely on account of her, only to please her. She

died while I was in the midst of this work. So it is with all our dreams.' Is it better not to

have the dreams, the work, and then the desolation of uncompleted work? Perhaps, like

Frédéric and Deslauriers, we should prefer the consolation of non-fulfilment: the planned

visit to the brothel, the pleasure of anticipation, and then, years later, not the memory of

deeds but the memory of past anticipations? Wouldn't that keep it all cleaner and less

painful?

 

After I got home the duplicate parrots continued to flutter in my mind: one of them

amiable and straightforward, the other cocky and interrogatory. I wrote letters to various

academics who might know if either of the parrots had been properly authenticated. I

wrote to the French Embassy and to the editor of the Michelin guide-books. I also wrote

to Mr Hockney. I told him about my trip and asked if he'd ever been to Rouen; I

wondered if he'd had one or other of the parrots in mind when etching his portrait of the

sleeping Félicité. If not, then perhaps he in his turn had borrowed a parrot from a museum

and used it as a model. I warned him of the dangerous tendency in this species to

posthumous parthenogenesis.

 

I hoped to get my replies quite soon.

 

2: Chronology


 

1821

Birth of Gustave Flaubert, second so of Achille-Cléophas Flaubert, head surgeon

at the Hôtel-Dieu, Rouen, and of Anne-Justine-Caroline Flaubert, née Fleuriot.

The family belongs to the successful professional middle class, and owns several

properties in the vicinity of Rouen. A stable, enlightened, encouraging and

normally ambitious background.

 

1825

Entry into service with the Flaubert family of Julie, Gustave's nurse, who remains

with them until the writer's death fifty-five years later. Few servant problems will

trouble his life.

 

c.1830

Meets Ernest Chevalier, his first close friend. A succession of intense, loyal and

fertile friendships will sustain Flaubert throughout his life: of particular note are

those with Alfred Le Poittevin, Maxime du Camp, Louis Bouilhet and George

Sand. Gustave inspires friendship easily, and fosters it with a teasing, affectionate

manner.

 

1831-2

Enters the Collège de Rouen and proves an impressive student, strong in history

and literature. His earliest piece of writing to come down to us, an essay on

Corneille, dates from 1831. Throughout his adolescence he composes abundantly,

both drama and fiction.

 

1836

Meets Elisa Schlesinger, wife of a German music publisher, in Trouville and

conceives an 'enormous' passion for her. This passion illuminates the rest of his

adolescence. She treats him with great kindness and affection; they remain in

touch for the next forty years. Looking back, he is relieved she didn't return his

passion: 'Happiness is like the pox. Catch it too soon, and it wrecks your

constitution.'

 

c.1836

Gustave's sexual initiation with one of his mother's maids. This is the start of an

active and colourful erotic career, veering from brothel to salon, from Cairo bathhouse

boy to Parisian poetess. In early manhood he is extremely attractive to

women and his speed of sexual recuperation is, by his own account, very

impressive; but even in later life his courtly manner, intelligence and fame ensure

that he is not unattended.

 

1837

His first published work appears in the Rouen magazine Le Colibri.

 

1840

Passes his baccalauréat. Travels to the Pyrenees with a family friend, Dr Jules

Cloquet. Though often considered an unbudgeable hermit, Flaubert in fact travels

extensively: to Italy and Switzerland (1845), Brittany (1847), Egypt, Palestine,

Syria, Turkey, Greece and Italy (1849-51), England (1851, 1865, 1866, 1871),

Algeria and Tunisia (1858), Germany (1865), Belgium (1871) and Switzerland

(1874). Compare the case of his alter ego Louis Bouilhet, who dreamed of China

and never got to England.

 

1843

 


 

As a law student in Paris, he meets Victor Hugo.

 

1844

Gustave's first epileptic attack puts an end to his legal studies in Paris and

confines him to the new family house at Croisset. Abandoning the law, however,

causes little pain, and since his confinement brings both the solitude and the stable

base needed for a life of writing, the attack proves beneficial in the long run.

 

1846

Meets Louise Colet, 'the Muse', and begins his most celebrated affair: a

prolonged, passionate, fighting two-parter (1846-8, 1851-4). Though ill-matched

in temperament and incompatible in aesthetics, Gustave and Louise nevertheless

last together far longer than most would have predicted. Should we regret the end

of their affair? Only because it means the end of Gustave's resplendent letters to

her.

 

1851-7

The writing, publication, trial and triumphant acquittal of Madame Bovary. A

succès de scandale, praised by authors as diverse as Lamartine, Sainte-Beuve and

Baudelaire. In 1846, doubting his ability ever to write anything worth publishing,

Gustave had announced, 'If I do make an appearance, one day, it will be in full

armour.' Now his breastplate dazzles and his lance is everywhere. The curé of

Canteleu, the next village to Croisset, forbids his parishioners to read the novel.

After 18S7, literary success leads naturally to social success: Flaubert is seen

more in Paris. He meets the Goncourts, Renan, Gautier, Baudelaire and Sainte-

Beuve. In 1862 the series of literary dinners at Magny's are instituted: Flaubert is

a regular from December of that year.

 

1862

Publication of Salammb&oocirc;. Succès fou. Sainte-Beuve writes to Matthew

Arngld: 'Salammb&oocirc; is our great event!' The novel provides the theme for

several costume balls in Paris. It even provides the name for a new brand of petit

four.

 

1863

Flaubert begins to frequent the salon of Princesse Mathilde, niece of Napoleon I.

The bear of Croisset eases into the pelt of the social lion. He himself receives on

Sunday afternoons. The year also contains his first exchange of letters with

George Sand, and his meeting with Turgenev. His friendship with the Russian

novelist marks the beginning of a wider European fame.

 

1864

Presentation to the Emperor Napoleon III at Compiegne. The peak of Gustave's

social success. He sends camellias to the Empress.

 

1866

Created chevalier de la Légion d'honneur.

 

1869

Publication of L'Education sentimentale: Flaubert always claims it as a chef-

d'oeuvre. Despite the legend of heroic struggle (which he himself initiates),

writing comes easily to Flaubert. He complains a lot, but such complaints are

always couched in letters of astonishing fluency. For a quarter of a century he

produces one large, solid book, requiring considerable research, every five to

 


 

seven years. He might agonise over the word, the phrase, the assonance, but he

never endures a writer's block.

 

1874

Publication of La Tentation de saint Antoine. Despite its strangeness, a gratifying

commercial success.

 

1877

Publication of Trois Contes. A critical and popular success: for the first time

Flaubert receives a favourable review from Le Figaro; the book goes through five

editions in three years. Flaubert begins work on Bouvard et Pécuchet. During

these final years, his pre-eminence among French novelists is admitted by the

next generation. He is fêted and revered. His Sunday afternoons become famous

events in literary society; Henry James calls on the Master. In 1879 Gustave's

friends institute the annual Saint Polycarpe dinners in his honour. In 1880 the five

co-authors of Les Soirées de Médan, including Zola and Maupassant, present him

with an inscribed copy: the gift can be seen as a symbolic salute to Realism from

Naturalism.

 

188o

Full of honour, widely loved, and still working hard to the end, Gustave Flaubert

dies at Croisset.

 

II

 

1817

Death of Caroline Flaubert (aged twenty months), the second child of Achille-

Cléophas Flaubert and Anne-Justine-Caroline Flaubert.

 

1819

Death of Emile-Cléophas Flaubert (aged eight months), their third child.

1821

Birth of Gustave Flaubert, their fifth child.

 

1822

Death of Jules Alfred Flaubert (aged three years and five months), their fourth

child. His brother Gustave, born entre deux morts, is delicate and not expected to

live long. Dr Flaubert buys a family plot at the Cimetière Monumental and has a

small grave dug in preparation for Gustave. Surprisingly, he survives. He proves a

slow child, content too sit for hours with his finger in his mouth and an 'almost

stupid' expression on his face. For Sartre, he is 'the family idiot'.

 

1836

The start of a hopeless, obsessive passion for Elisa Schlesinger which cauterises

his heart and renders him incapable of ever fully loving another woman. Looking

back, he records: 'Each of us possesses in his heart a royal chamber. I have

bricked mine up.'

 

1839

Expelled from the Collège de Rouen for rowdyism and disobedience.

 

1843

The Faculty of Law at Paris announces its first-year examination results. The

examiners declare their views by means of red or black balls. Gustave receives

two red and two black, and is therefore failed.

 

1844

 


 

Shattering first attack of epilepsy; others are to follow. 'Each attack', Gustave

writes later, 'was like a haemorrhage of the nervous system…It was a snatching of

the soul from the body, excruciating.' He is bled, given pills and infusions, put on

a special diet, forbidden alcohol and tobacco; a regime of strict confinement and

maternal care is necessary if he is not to claim his place at the cemetery. Without

having entered the world, Gustave now retires from it. 'So, you are guarded like a

young girl?' Louise Colet later taunts, accurately. For all but the last eight years of

his life, Mme Flaubert watches suffocatingly over his welfare and censors his

travel plans. Gradually, over the decades, her frailty overtakes his: by the time he

has almost ceased to be a worry to her, she has become a burden to him.

 

1846

Death of Gustave's father, quickly followed by that of his beloved sister Caroline

(aged twenty-one), which thrusts on to him proxy fatherhood of his niece.

Throughout his life, he is constantly bruised by the deaths of those close to him.

And there are other ways for friends to die: in June Alfred Le Poittevin marries.

Gustave feels it is his third bereavement of the year: 'You are doing something

abnormal,' he complains. To Maxime du Camp that year he writes, 'Tears are to

the heart what water is to a fish.' Is it a consolation that in the same year he meets

Louise Colet? Pedantry and recalcitrance are mismatched with immoderation and

possessiveness. A mere six days after she becomes his mistress, the pattern of

their relationship is set: 'Moderate your cries!' he complains to her. 'They are

torturing me. What do you want me to do? Am I to leave everything and live in

Paris? Impossible.' This impossible relationship drags on nevertheless for eight

years; Louise is puzzlingly unable to grasp that Gustave can love her without ever

wanting to see her. 'If I were a woman,' he writes after six years, 'I wouldn't want

myself for a lover. A one-night stand, yes; but an intimate relationship, no.'

 

1848

Death of Alfred Le Poittevin, aged thirty-two. 'I see that I've never loved

anyone—man or woman—as I loved him.' Twenty-five years later: 'Not a day

passes that I don't think of him.'

 

1849

Gustave reads his first full-length adult work, La Tentation de saint Antoine, to

his two closest friends, Bouilhet and Du Camp. The reading takes four days, at the

rate of eight hours per day. After embarrassed consultation, the listeners tell him

throw it on the fire.

 

1850

In Egypt, Gustave catches syphilis. Much of his hair falls out; he grows stout.

Mme Flaubert, meeting him in Rome the following year, scarcely recognises her

son, and finds that he has become very coarse. Middle age begins here. 'Scarcely

are you born before you begin rotting.' Over the years all but one of his teeth will

fall out; his saliva will be permanently blackened by mercury treatment.

 

1851-7

Madame Bovary. The composition is painful—'Writing this book I am like a man

playing the piano with lead balls attached to his knuckles'—and the prosecution

frightening. In later years Flaubert comes to resent the insistent fame of his

masterpiece, which makes others see him as a one-book author. He tells Du Camp

 


 

that if ever he had a stroke of good luck on the Bourse he would buy up 'at any

cost' all copies of Madame Bovary in circulation: 'I should throw them into the

fire, and never hear of them again.'

 

1862

Elisa Schlesinger is interned in a mental hospital; she is diagnosed as suffering

from 'acute melancholia'. After the publication of Salammbô, Flaubert begins to

run with rich friends. But he remains childlike in financial matters: his mother has

to sell property to pay his debts. In 1867 he secretly hands over control of his

financial affairs to his niece's husband, Ernest Commanville. Over the next

thirteen years, through extravagance, incompetent management and bad luck,

Flaubert loses all his money.

 

1869

Death of Louis Bouilhet, whom he had once called 'the seltzer water which helped

me digest life'. 'In losing my Bouilhet, I had lost my midwife, the man who saw

more deeply into my thought than I did myself.' Death also of Sainte-Beuve.

'Another one gone! The little band is diminishing! Who is there to talk about

literature with now?' Publication of L'Education sentimentale; a critical and

commercial flop. Of the hundred and fifty complimentary copies sent to friends

and acquaintances, barely thirty are even acknowledged.

 

1870

Death of Jules de Goncourt: only three of the seven friends who started the

Magny dinners in 1862 are now left. During the Franco-Prussian war, the enemy

occupies Croisset. Ashamed of being French, Flaubert stops wearing his Légion

d'honneur, and resolves to ask Turgenev what he has to do to take Russian

citizenship.

 

1872

Death of Mme Flaubert: 'I have realised during the last fortnight that my poor

dear old mother was the person I loved the most. It's as if part of my entrails had

been torn out.' Death also of Gautier. 'With him, the last of my intimate friends is

gone. The list is closed.'

 

1874

Flaubert makes his theatrical début with Le Candidat. It is a complete flop; actors

leave the stage with tears in their eyes. The play is taken off after four

performances. Publication of La Tentation de saint Antoine. 'Torn to pieces,'

Flaubert notes, 'by everything from the Figaro to the Revue des deux mondes…

What comes as a surprise is the hatred underlying much of this criticism—hatred

for me, for my person—deliberate denigration…This avalanche of abuse does

depress me.'

 

1875

The financial ruin of Ernest Commanville drags Flaubert down too. He sells his

farm at Deauville; he has to plead with his niece not to turn him out of Croisset.

She and Commanville nickname him 'the consumer'. In 1879 he is reduced to

accepting a state pension arranged for him by friends.

 

1876

Death of Louise Colet. Death of George Sand. 'My heart is becoming a

necropolis.' Gustave's last years are arid and solitary. He tells his niece he regrets

 


 

not having married.

 

1880

Impoverished, lonely and exhausted, Gustave Flaubert dies. Zola, in his obituary

notice, comments that he was unknown to four-fifths of Rouen, and detested by

the other fifth. He leaves Bouvard et Pécuchet unfinished. Some say the labour of

the novel killed him; Turgenev told him before he started that it would be better

as a short story. After the funeral a group of mourners, including the poets

François Coppée and Théodore de Banville, have dinner in Rouen to honour the

departed writer. They discover, on sitting down to table, that they are thirteen.

The superstitious Banville insists that another guest be found, and Gautier's sonin-

law Emile Bergerat is sent to scour the streets. After several rebuffs he returns

with a private on leave. The soldier has never heard of Flaubert, but is longing to

meet Coppée.

 

III

 

1842

Me and my books, in the same apartment: like a gherkin in its vinegar.

 

1846

When I was still quite young I had a complete presentiment of life. It was like the

nauseating smell of cooking escaping from a ventilator: you don't have to have

eaten it to know that it would make you throw up.

 

1846

I did with you what I have done before with those I loved best: I showed them the

bottom of the bag, and the acrid dust that rose from it made them choke.

 

1846

My life is riveted to that of another [Mme Flaubert], and will be so as long as that

other life endures. A piece of seaweed blowing in the wind, I am held to the rock

by a single hardy thread. If it broke, where would this poor useless plant fly off

to?

 

1846

You want to prune the tree. Its unruly branches, thick with leaves, push out in all

directions to sniff the air and the sun. But you want to make me into a charming

espalier, stretched against a wall, bearing fine fruit that a child could pick without

even using a ladder.

 

1846

Don't think that I belong to that vulgar race of men who feel disgust after

pleasure, and for whom love exists only as lust. No: in me, what rises doesn't

subside so quickly. Moss grows on the castles ofmy heart as soon as they are

built; but it takes some time for them to fall into ruin, if they ever completely do.

 

1846

I am like a cigar: you have to suck on the end to get me going.

 

1846

Amongst those who go to sea there are the navigators who discover new worlds,

adding continents to the earth and stars to the heavens: they are the masters, the

great, the eternally splendid. Then there are those who spit terror from their gunports,

who pillage, who grow rich and fat. Others go off in search of gold and silk

under foreign skies. Still others catch salmon for the gourmet or cod for the poor.

 


 

I am the obscure and patient pearl-fisherman who dives into the deepest waters

and comes up with empty hands and a blue face. Some fatal attraction draws me

down into the abysses of thought, down into those innermost recesses which

never cease to fascinate the strong. I shall spend my life gazing at the ocean of art,

where others voyage or fight; and from time to time I'll entertain myself by diving

for those green and yellow shells that nobody will want. So I shall keep them for

myself and cover the walls of my hut with them.

 

1846

I am only a literary lizard basking the day away beneath the great sun of Beauty.

That's all.

 

1846

Deep within me there is a radical, intimate, bitter and incessant boredom which

prevents me from enjoying anything and which smothers my soul. It reappears at

any excuse, just as the swollen corpses of drowned dogs pop to the surface despite

the stones that have been tied round their necks.

 

1847

People are like food. There are lots of bourgeois who seem to me like boiled beef:

all steam, no juice, and no taste (it fills you up straight away and is much eaten by

bumpkins). Other people are like white meat, freshwater fish, slender eels from

the muddy river-bed, oysters (of varying degrees of saltiness), calves' heads, and

sugared porridge. Me? I'm like a runny, stinking macaroni cheese, which you

have to eat a lot of times before you develop a taste for it. You do finally get to

like it, but only after it has made your stomach heave on countless occasions.

 

1847

Some people have a tender heart and a tough mind. I'm the opposite: I have a

tender mind but a rough heart. I'm like a coconut which keeps its milk locked

away beneath several layers of wood. You need an axe to open it, and then what

do you find as often as not? A sort of sour cream.

 

1847

You had hoped to find in me a fire which scorched and blazed and illuminated

everything; which shed a cheerful light, dried out damp wainscoting, made the air

healthier and rekindled life. Alas! I'm only a poor nightlight, whose red wick

splutters in a lake of bad oil full of water and bits of dust.

 

1851

With me, friendship is like the camel: once started, there is no way of stopping it.

 

1852

As you get older, the heart sheds its leaves like a tree. You cannot hold out against

certain winds. Each day tears away a few more leaves; and then there are the

storms which break off several branches at one go. And while nature's greenery

grows back again in the spring, that of the heart never grows back.

 

1852

What an awful thing life is, isn't it? It's like soup with lots of hairs floating on the

surface. You have to eat it nevertheless.

 

1852

I laugh at everything, even at that which I love the most. There is no fact, thing,

feeling or person over which I have not blithely run my clownishness, like an iron

 


 

roller imparting sheen to cloth.

 

1852

I love my work with a frantic and perverted love, as an ascetic loves the hair-shirt

which scratches his belly.

 

1852

All of us Normans have a little cider in our veins: it's a bitter, fermented drink

which sometimes bursts the bung.

 

1853

As for this business of my moving at once to Paris, we'll have to put it off, or

rather settle it here and now. This is impossible for me now…I know myself well

enough, and it would mean losing a whole winter, and perhaps the whole book.

Bouilhet can talk: he's happy writing anywhere; he's been working away for a

dozen years despite continual disturbances…But I am like a row of milk-pans: if

you want the cream to form, you have to leave them exactly where they are.

 

1853

I'm dazzled by your facility. In ten days you'll have written six stories! I don't

understand it…I'm like one of those old aqueducts: there's so much rubbish

clogging up the banks of my thought that it flows slowly, and only spills from the

end of my pen drop by drop.

 

1854

I pigeon-hole my life, and keep everything in its place; I'm as full of drawers and

compartments as an old travelling trunk, all roped up and fastened with three big

leather straps.

 

1854

You ask for love, you complain that I don't send you flowers? Flowers, indeed! If

that's what you want, find yourself some wet-eared boy stuffed with fine manners

and all the right ideas. I'm like the tiger, which has bristles of hair at the end of its

cock, with which it lacerates the female.

 

1857

Books aren't made in the way that babies are: they are made like pyramids.

There's some long-pondered plan, and then great blocks of stone are placed one

on top of the other, and it's back-breaking, sweaty, time-consuming work. And all

to no purpose! It just stands like that in the desert! But it towers over it

prodigiously. Jackals piss at the base of it, and bourgeois clamber to the top of it,

etc. Continue this comparison.

 

1857

There is a Latin phrase which means roughly, 'To pick up a farthing from the shit

with your teeth.' It was a rhetorical figure applied to the miserly. I am like them: I

will stop at nothing to find gold.

 

1867

It's true that many things infuriate me. The day I stop being indignant I shall fall

flat on my face, like a doll when you take away its prop.

 

1872

My heart remains intact, but my feelings are sharpened on the one hand and

dulled on the other, like an old knife that has been too often sharpened, which has

notches, and breaks easily.

 


 

1872

Never have things of the spirit counted for so little. Never has hatred for

everything great been so manifest - disdain for Beauty, execration of literature. I

have always tried to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is beating at its walls,

threatening to undermine it.

 

1873

I still carry on turning out my sentences, like a bourgeois turning out napkin rings

on a lathe in his attic. It gives me something to do, and it affords me some private

pleasure.

 

1875

Despite your advice, I can't manage to 'harden myself…My sensitivities are all

aquiver—my nerves and my brain are sick, very sick; I feel them to be so. But

there I go, complaining again, and I don't want to distress you. I'll confine myself

to your mention of a 'rock'. Know, then, that very old granite sometimes turns into

layers of clay.

 

1875

I feel uprooted, like a mass of dead seaweed tossed here and there in the waves.

 

188o

When will the book be finished? That's the question. If it is to appear next winter,

I haven't a minute to lose between now and then. But there are moments when I'm

so tired that I feel I'm liquefying like an old Camembert.

 

3: Finders Keepers

You can define a net in one of two ways, depending on your point of view. Normally,

you would say that it is a meshed instrument designed to catch fish. But you could, with

no great injury to logic, reverse the image and define a net as a jocular lexicographer

once did: he called it a collection of holes tied together with string.

 

You can do the same with a biography. The trawling net fills, then the biographer hauls it

in, sorts, throws back, stores, fillets and sells. Yet consider what he doesn't catch: there is

always far more of that. The biography stands, fat and worthy—burgherish on the shelf,

boastful and sedate: a shilling life will give you all the facts, a ten-pound one all the

hypotheses as well. But think of everything that got away, that fled with the last deathbed

exhalation of the biographee. What chance would the craftiest biographer stand against

the subject who saw him coming and decided to amuse himself?

 

I first met Ed Winterton when he put his hand on mine in the Europa Hotel. Just my little

joke; though true as well. It was at a provincial booksellers' fair and I had reached a little

more quickly than he for the same copy of Turgenev's Literary Reminiscences. The

conjunction induced immediate apologies, as embarrassed on his side as they were on

mine. When we each realised that bibliophilic lust was the only emotion which had

produced this laying on of hands, Ed murmured,

 

'Step outside and let's discuss it.'

 

Over an indifferent pot of tea we revealed our separate paths to the same book. I

explained about Flaubert; he announced his interest in Gosse and in English literary

 


 

society towards the end of the last century. I meet few American academics, and was

pleasantly surprised that this one was bored by Bloomsbury, and happy to leave the

modern movement to his younger and more ambitious colleagues. But then Ed Winterton

liked to present himself as a failure. He was in his early forties, balding, with a pinky

glabrous complexion and square rimless spectacles: the banker type of academic,

circumspect and moral. He bought English clothes without looking at all English. He

remained the sort of American who always wears a mackintosh in London because he

knows that in this city rain falls out of a clear sky. He was even wearing his mackintosh

in the lounge of the Europa Hotel.

 

His air of failure had nothing desperate about it; rather, it seemed to stem from an

unresented realisation that he was not cut out for success, and his duty was therefore to

ensure only that he failed in a correct and acceptable fashion. At one point, when

discussing the improbability of his Gosse biography ever being finished, let alone

published, he paused and dropped his voice:

 

'But in any case I sometimes wonder if Mr Gosse would have approved of what I'm

doing.'

 

'You mean…' I knew little of Gosse, and my widened eyes hinted perhaps too clearly at

naked laundresses, illegitimate half-castes and dismembered bodies.

 

'Oh no, no, no. Just the thought of writing about him. He might think it was a bit of

a…low blow.'

 

I let him have the Turgenev, of course, if only to escape a discussion about the morality

of possession. I didn't see where ethics came into the ownership of a second-hand book;

but Ed did. He promised to be in touch if ever he ran down another copy. Then we briefly

discussed the rights and wrongs of my paying for his tea.

 

I didn't expect to hear from him again, let alone on the subject which provoked his letter

to me about a year later. 'Are you interested at all in Juliet Herbert? It sounds a

fascinating relationship, judging by the material. I'll be in London in August, if you will.

Ever, Ed (Winterton).'

 

What does the fiancée feel when she snaps open the box and sees the ring set in purple

velvet? I never asked my wife; and it's too late now. Or what did Flaubert feel as he

waited for the dawn on top of the Great Pyramid and finally saw that crack of gold shine

from the purple velvet of the night? Astonishment, awe and a fierce glee came into my

heart as I read those two words in Ed's letter. No, not 'Juliet Herbert', the other two: first

'fascinating' and then 'material'. And beyond glee, beyond hard work as well, was there

something else? A shameful thought of an honorary degree somewhere?

 

Juliet Herbert is a great hole tied together with string. She became governess to Flaubert's

niece Caroline at some time in the mid-1850s, and remained at Croisset for a few

undetermined years; then she returned to London. Flaubert wrote to her, and she to him;

they visited one another every so often. Beyond this, we know nothing. Not a single letter

to or from her has survived. We know almost nothing about her family. We do not even

know what she looked like. No description of her survives, and none of Flaubert's friends

 


 

thought to mention her after his death, when most other women of importance in his life

were being memorialised.

 

Biographers disagree about Juliet Herbert. For some, the shortage of evidence indicates

that she was of small significance in Flaubert's life; others conclude from this absence

precisely the opposite, and assert that the tantalising governess was certainly one of the

writer's mistresses, possibly the Great Unknown Passion of his life, and perhaps even his

fiancée. Hypothesis is spun directly from the temperament of the biographer. Can we

deduce love for Juliet Herbert from the fact that Gustave called his greyhound Julio?

Some can. It seems a little tendentious to me. And if we do, what do we then deduce from

the fact that in various letters Gustave addresses his niece as 'Loulou', the name he later

transfers to Félicité's parrot? Or from the fact that George Sand had a ram called

Gustave?

 

Flaubert's one overt reference to Juliet Herbert comes in a letter to Bouilhet, written after

the latter had visited Croisset:

 

Since I saw you excited by the governess, I too have become excited. At table, my eyes

willingly followed the gentle slope of her breast. I believe she notices this for, five or six

times per meal, she looks as if she had caught the sun. What a pretty comparison one

could make between the slope of the breast and the glacis of a fortress. The cupids tumble

about on it, as they storm the citadel. (To be said in our Sheikh's voice) 'Well, I certainly

know what piece of artillery I'd be pointing in that direction.'

 

Should we jump to conclusions? Frankly, this is the kind of boastful, nudging stuff that

Flaubert was always writing to his male friends. I find it unconvincing myself: true desire

isn't so easily diverted into metaphor. But then, all biographers secretly want to annex

and channel the sex-lives of their subjects; you must make your judgment on me as well

as on Flaubert.

 

Had Ed really discovered some Juliet Herbert material? I admit I began feeling

possessive in advance. I imagined myself presenting it in one of the more important

literary journals; perhaps I might let the TLS have it. 'Juliet Herbert: A Mystery Solved,

by Geoffrey Braithwaite', illustrated with one of those photographs in which you can't

quite read the handwriting. I also began to worry at the thought of Ed blurting out his

discovery on campus and guilelessly yielding up his cache to some ambitious Gallicist

with an astronaut's haircut.

 

But these were unworthy and, I hope, untypical feelings. Mostly, I was thrilled at the idea

of discovering the secret of Gustave and Juliet's relationship (what else could the word

'fascinating' mean in Ed's letter?). I was also thrilled that the material might help me

imagine even more exactly what Flaubert was like. The net was being pulled tighter.

Would we find out, for instance, how the writer behaved in London?

 

This was of particular interest. Cultural exchange between England and France in the

nineteenth century was at best pragmatic. French writers didn't cross the Channel to

discuss aesthetics with their English counterparts; they were either running from

prosecution or looking for a job. Hugo and Zola came over as exiles; Verlaine and

Mallarme came over as schoolmasters. Villiers de l'Isle-Adam, chronically poor yet

 


 

crazily practical, came over in search of an heiress. A Parisian marriage-broker had kitted

him out for the expedition with a fur overcoat, a repeating alarm watch and a new set of

false teeth, all to be paid for when the writer landed the heiress's dowry. But Villiers,

tirelessly accident-prone, botched the wooing. The heiress rejected him, the broker turned

up to reclaim the coat and watch, and the discarded suitor was left adrift in London, full

of teeth but penniless.

 

So what of Flaubert? We know little about his four trips to England. We know that the

Great Exhibition of 1851 secured his unexpected approval—'a very fine thing, despite

being admired by everyone'—but his notes on this first visit amount to a mere seven

pages: two on the British Museum, plus five on the Chinese and Indian sections at Crystal

Palace. What were his first impressions of us? He must have told Juliet. Did we live up to

our entries in his Dictionnaire des idées reçues (ENGLISHMEN: All rich.

ENGLISHWOMEN: Express surprise that they produce pretty children)?

 

And what of subsequent visits, when he had become author of the notorious Madame

Bovary? Did he search out English writers? Did he search out English brothels? Did he

cosily stay at home with Juliet, staring at her over dinner and then storming her fortress?

Were they perhaps (I half-hoped so) merely friends? Was Flaubert's English as hit-ormiss

as it seems from his letters? Did he talk only Shakespearean? And did he complain

much about the fog?

 

When I met Ed at the restaurant, he was looking even less successful than before. He told

me about budget cuts, a cruel world, and his own lack of publications. I deduced, rather

than heard, that he had been sacked. He explained the irony of his dismissal: it sprang

from his devotion to his work, his unwillingness to do Gosse anything less than justice

when presenting him to the world. Academic superiors had suggested that he cut corners.

Well, he wouldn't do so. He respected writing and writers too much for that. 'I mean,

don't we owe these fellers something in return?' he concluded.

 

Perhaps I offered slightly less than the expected sympathy. But then, can you alter the

way luck flows? Just for once, it was flowing for me. I had ordered my dinner quickly,

scarcely caring what I ate; Ed had pondered the menu as if he were Verlaine being bought

his first square meal in months. Listening to Ed's tedious lament for himself and watching

him slowly consume whitebait at the same time had used up my patience; though it had

not diminished my excitement.

 

'Right,' I said, as we started our main course, 'Juliet Herbert.'

 

'Oh,' he said, 'yes.' I could see he might need prodding. 'It's an odd story.'

 

'It would be.'

 

'Yes.' Ed seemed a little pained, almost embarrassed. 'Well, I was over here about six

months ago, tracking down one of Mr Gosse's distant descendants. Not that I expected to

find anything. It was just that, as far as I knew, nobody had ever talked to the lady in

question, and I thought it was my…duty to see her. Perhaps some family legend I hadn't

accounted for had come down to her.'

 


 

'And?'

 

'And? Oh, it hadn't. No, she wasn't really of any help. It was a nice day, though. Kent.' He

looked pained again; he seemed to miss the mackintosh which the waiter had ruthlessly

deprived him of. 'Ah, but I see what you mean. What had come down to her was the

letters. Now let me get this right; you'll correct me, I hope. Juliet Herbert died 1909 or

so? Yes. She had a cousin, woman cousin. Yes. Now, this woman found the letters and

took them to Mr Gosse, asked him his opinion of their value. Mr Gosse thought he was

being touched for money, so he said they were interesting but not worth anything.

Whereupon this cousin apparently just handed them over to him and said, If they're not

worth anything, you take them. Which he did.'

 

'How do you know all this?'

 

'There was a letter attached in Mr Gosse's hand.'

 

'And so?'

 

'And so they came down to this lady. Kent. I'm afraid she asked me the same question.

Were they worth anything? I regret I behaved in a rather immoral fashion. I told her they

had been valuable when Gosse had examined them, but they weren't any more. I said they

were still quite interesting, but they weren't worth much because half of them were

written in French. Then I bought them off her for fifty pounds.'

 

'Good God.' No wonder he looked shifty.

 

'Yes, it was rather bad, wasn't it? I can't really excuse myself; though the fact that Mr

Gosse himself had lied when obtaining them did seem to blur the issue. It raises an

interesting ethical point, don't you think? The fact is, I was rather depressed at losing my

job, and I thought I'd take them home and sell them and then be able to carry on with my

book.'

 

'How many letters are there?'

 

'About seventy-five. Three dozen or so on each side. That's how we settled on the price—

a pound apiece for the ones in English, fifty pence for the ones in French.'

 

'Good God.' I wondered what they might be worth. Perhaps a thousand times what he

paid for them. Or more.

 

'Yes.'

 

'Well, go on, tell me about them.'

 

'Ah.' He paused, and gave me a look which might have been roguish if he hadn't been

such a meek, pedantic fellow. Probably he was enjoying my excitement. 'Well, fire away.

What do you want to know?'

 

'You have read them?'

 

'Oh yes.'

 


 

'And, and…' I didn't know what to ask. Ed was definitely enjoying this now. 'And—did

they have an affair? They did, didn't they?'

'Oh yes, certainly.'

'And when did it start? Soon after she got to Croisset?'

 

 

'Oh yes, quite soon.'

Well, that unravelled the letter to Bouilhet: Flaubert was playing the tease, pretending he

had just as much, or just as little, chance as his friend with the governess; whereas in

fact…

 

 

'And it continued all the time she was there?'

 

 

'Oh yes.'

 

 

'And when he came to England?'

 

 

'Yes, that too.'

 

 

'And was she his fiancée?'

 

 

'It's hard to say. Pretty nearly, I'd guess. There are some references in both their letters,

 

 

mostly jocular. Remarks about the little English governess trapping the famous French

 

 

man of letters; what would she do if he were imprisoned for another outrage against

 

 

public morals; that sort of thing.'

 

'Well, well, well. And do we find out what she was like?'

 

'What she was like? Oh, you mean to look at?'

 

'Yes. There wasn't…there wasn't…' He sensed my hope. '…a photograph?'

 

'A photograph? Yes, several, as a matter of fact; from some Chelsea studio, printed on

 

 

heavy card. He must have asked her to send him some. Is that of interest?'

'It's incredible. What did she look like?'

'Pretty nice in an unmemorable sort of way. Dark hair, strong jaw, good nose. I didn't

 

 

look too closely; not really my type.'

 

 

'And did they get on well together?' I hardly knew what I wanted to ask any more.

Flaubert's English fiancée, I was thinking to myself. By Geoffrey Braithwaite.

'Oh yes, they seemed to. They seemed very fond. He'd mastered quite a range of English

 

 

endearments by the end.'

'So he could manage the language?'

'Oh yes, there are several long passages of English in his letters.'

 

 


 

'And did he like London?'

 

'He liked it. How could he not? It was his fiancée's city of residence.'

 

Dear old Gustave, I murmured to myself; I felt quite tender towards him. Here, in this

city, a century and a few years ago, with a compatriot of mine who had captured his

heart. 'Did he complain about the fog?'

 

'Of course. He wrote something like, How do you manage to live with such fog? By the

time a gentleman has recognised a lady as she comes at him out of the fog, it is already

too late to raise his hat. I'm surprised the race doesn't die out when such conditions make

difficult the natural courtesies.'

 

Oh yes, that was the tone—elegant, teasing, slightly lubricious. 'And what about the

Great Exhibition? Does he go into detail about that? I bet he rather liked it.'

 

'He did. Of course, that was a few years before they first met, but he does mention it in a

sentimental fashion—wonders if he might unknowingly have passed her in the crowds.

He thought it was a bit awful, but also really rather splendid. He seems to have looked at

all the exhibits as if they were an enormous display of source material for him.'

 

'And. Hmm.' Well, why not. 'I suppose he didn't go to any brothels?'

 

Ed looked at me rather crossly. 'Well, he was writing to his girl-friend, wasn't he? He'd

hardly be boasting about that.'

 

'No, of course not.' I felt chastened. I also felt exhilarated. My letters. My letters.

Winterton was planning to let me publish them, wasn't he?

 

'So when can I see them? You did bring them with you?'

 

'Oh no.'

 

'You didn't?' Well, no doubt it was sensible to keep them all in a safe place. Travel has its

dangers. Unless…unless there was something I hadn't understood. Perhaps…did he want

money? I suddenly realised I knew absolutely nothing about Ed Winterton, except that he

was the owner of my copy of Turgenev's Literary Reminiscences. 'You didn't even bring

a single one with you?'

 

'No. You see, I burnt them.'

 

You what?'

 

'Yes, well, that's what I mean by its being an odd story.'

 

'It sounds like a criminal story at the moment.'

 

'I was sure you'd understand,' he said, much to my surprise; then smiled broadly. 'I mean,

you of all people. In fact, at first I decided not to tell anyone at all, but then I remembered

you. I thought that one person in the business ought to be told. Just for the record.'

 


 

'Go on.' The man was a maniac, that much was plain. No wonder they'd kicked him out of

his university. If only they'd done it years earlier.

 

'Well, you see, they were full of fascinating stuff, the letters. Very long, a lot of them, full

of reflections about other writers, public life, and so on. They were even more unbuttoned

than his normal letters. Perhaps it was because he was sending them out of the country

that he allowed himself such freedom.' Did this criminal, this sham, this failure, this

murderer, this bald pyromaniac know what he was doing to me? Very probably he did.

'And her letters were really quite fine in their way too. Told her whole life story. Very

revealing about Flaubert. Full of nostalgic descriptions of home life at Croisset. She

obviously had a very good eye. Noticed things I shouldn't think anyone else would have

done.'

 

'Go on.' I waved grimly at the waiter. I wasn't sure I could stay there much longer. I

wanted to tell Winterton how really pleased I was that the British had burnt the White

House to the ground.

 

'No doubt you're wondering why I destroyed the letters. I can see you're kind of edgy

about something. Well, in the very last communication between the two of them, he says

that in the event of his death, her letters will be sent back to her, and she is to burn both

sides of the correspondence.'

 

'Did he give any reasons?'

 

'No.'

 

This seemed strange, assuming that the maniac was telling the truth. But then Gustave did

burn much of his correspondence with Du Camp. Perhaps some temporary pride in his

family origins had asserted itself and he didn't want the world to know that he had nearly

married an English governess. Or perhaps he didn't want us to know that his famous

devotion to solitude and art had nearly been overthrown. But the world would know. I

would tell it, one way or another.

 

'So you see, of course, I didn't have any alternative. I mean, if your business is writers,

you have to behave towards them with integrity, don't you? You have to do what they

say, even if other people don't.' What a smug, moralising bastard he was. He wore ethics

the way tarts wear make-up. And then he managed to mix into the same expression both

the earlier shiftiness and the later smugness. 'There was also something else in this last

letter of his. A rather strange instruction on top of asking Miss Herbert to burn the

correspondence. He said, If anyone ever asks you what my letters contained, or what my

life was like, please lie to them. Or rather, since I cannot ask you of all people to lie, just

tell them what it is you think they want to hear.'

 

I felt like Villiers de l'Isle-Adam: someone had lent me a fur overcoat and a repeating

watch for a few days, then cruelly snatched them back. It was lucky that the waiter

returned at that point. Besides, Winterton was not as stupid as all that: he had pushed his

chair well back from the table and was playing with his fingernails. 'The pity of it is,' he

said, as I tucked away my credit card, 'that I probably now won't be able to finance Mr

Gosse. But I'm sure you'll agree it's been an interesting moral decision.'

 


 

I think the remark I then made was deeply unfair to Mr Gosse both as a writer and as a

sexual being; but I do not see how I could have avoided it.

 

4: The Flaubert Bestiary

I attract mad people and animals.

 

Letter to Alfred Le Poittevin, 26 May 1845

 

The Bear

 

Gustave was the Bear. His sister Caroline was the Rat—'your dear rat', 'your faithful rat'

she signs herself, 'little rat', 'Ah, rat, good rat, old rat', 'old rat, naughty old rat, good rat,

poor old rat' he addresses her—but Gustave was the Bear. When he was only twenty,

people found him 'an odd fellow, a bear, a young man out of the ordinary'; and even

before his epileptic seizure and confinement at Croisset, the image had established itself:

'I am a bear and I want to stay a bear in my den, in my lair, in my skin, in my old bear's

skin; I want to live quietly, far away from the bourgeois and the bourgeoises.' After his

attack, the beast confirmed itself: 'I live alone, like a bear.' (The word 'alone' in this

sentence is best glossed as: 'alone except for my parents, my sister, the servants, our dog,

Caroline's goat, and my regular visits from Alfred Le Poittevin'.)

 

He recovered, he was allowed to travel; in December 1850 he wrote to his mother from

Constantinople, expanding the image of the Bear. It now explained not just his character,

but also his literary strategy:

 

If you participate in life, you don't see it clearly: you suffer from it too much or enjoy it

too much. The artist, to my way of thinking, is a monstrosity, something outside nature.

All the misfortunes Providence inflicts on him come from his stubbornness in denying

that maxim…So (and this is my conclusion) I am resigned to living as I have lived: alone,

with my throng of great men as my only cronies—a bear, with my bear-rug for company.

 

The 'throng of cronies', needless to say, aren't house-guests but companions picked from

his library shelves. As for the bear-rug, he was always concerned about it: he wrote twice

from the East (Constantinople, April 1850; Benisouef, June 1850) asking his mother to

take care of it. His niece Caroline also remembered this central feature of his study. She

would be taken there for her lessons at one o'clock: the shutters would be closed to keep

out the heat, and the darkened room filled with the smell of joss-sticks and tobacco. 'With

one bound I would throw myself on the large white bearskin, which I adored, and cover

its great head with kisses.'

 

Once you catch your bear, says the Macedonian proverb, it will dance for you. Gustave

didn't dance; Flaubear was nobody's bear. (How would you fiddle that into French?

Gourstave, perhaps.)

 

BEAR: Generally called Martin. Quote the story of the old soldier who saw that a watch

had fallen into a bear-pit, climbed down into it, and was eaten.

 

Dictionnaire des idées reçues

 

Gustave is other animals as well. In his youth he is clusters of beasts: hungry to see

Ernest Chevalier, he is 'a lion, a tiger—a tiger from India, a boa constrictor' (1841);

 


 

feeling a rare plenitude of strength, he is 'an ox, sphinx, bittern, elephant, whale' (1841).

Subsequently, he takes them one at a time. He is an oyster in its shell (1845); a snail in its

shell (1851); a hedgehog rolling up to protect itself (1853, 1857). He is a literary lizard

basking in the sun of Beauty (1846), and a warbler with a shrill cry which hides in the

depths of the woods and is heard only by itself (also 1846). He becomes as soft and

nervous as a cow (1867); he feels as worn out as a donkey (1867); yet still he splashes in

the Seine like a porpoise (1870). He works like a mule (1852); he lives a life which

would kill three rhinos (1872); he works 'like XV oxen' (1878); though he advises Louise

Colet to burrow away at her work like a mole (1853). To Louise he resembles 'a wild

buffalo of the American prairie' (1846). To George Sand, however, he seems 'gentle as a

lamb' (1866)—which he denies (1869)—and the pair of them chatter away like magpies

(1866); ten years later, at her funeral, he weeps like a calf (1876). Alone in his study, he

finishes the story he wrote especially for her, the story about the parrot; he bellows it out

'like a gorilla' (1876).

 

He flirts occasionally with the rhinoceros and the camel as self-images, but mainly,

secretly, essentially, he is the Bear: a stubborn bear (1852), a bear thrust deeper into

bearishness by the stupidity of his age (1853), a mangy bear (1854), even a stuffed bear

(1869); and so on own to the very last year of his life, when he is still 'roaring as oudly as

any bear in its cave' (1880). Note that in Hérodias, Flaubert's last completed work, the

imprisoned prophet Iaokanann, when ordered to stop howling his denunciations against a

corrupt world, replies that he too will continue crying out 'like a bear'.

 

Language is like a cracked kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to dance to, while

all the time we long to move the stars to pity.

 

Madame Bovary

 

There were still bears around in Gourstave's time: brown bears in the Alps, reddish bears

in Savoy. Bear hams were available from superior dealers in salted provisions. Alexandre

Dumas ate bear steak at the Hôtel de la Poste, Marigny, in 1832; later, in his Grand

Dictionnaire de cuisine (1870), he noted that 'bear meat is now eaten by all the peoples of

Europe'. From the chef to Their Majesties of Prussia Dumas obtained a recipe for bear's

paws, Moscow style. Buy the paws skinned. Wash, salt, and marinade for three days.

Casserole with bacon and vegetables for seven or eight hours; drain, wipe, sprinkle with

pepper, and turn in melted lard. Roll in breadcrumbs and grill for half an hour. Serve with

a piquant sauce and two spoonfuls of redcurrant jelly.

 

It is not known whether Flaubear ever ate his namesake. He ate dromedary in Damascus

in 1850. It seems a reasonable guess that if he had eaten bear he would have commented

on such ipsophagy.

 

Exactly what species of bear was Flaubear? We can track his spoor through the Letters.

At first he is just an unspecified ours, a bear (1841). He's still unspecified—though owner

of a den—in 1843, in January 1845, and in May 1845 (by now he boasts a triple layer of

fur). In June 1845 he wants to buy a painting of a bear for his room and entitle it 'Portrait

of Gustave Flaubert'—'to indicate my moral disposition and my social temperament'. So

far we (and he too, perhaps) have been imagining a dark animal: an American brown

 


 

bear, a Russian black bear, a reddish bear from Savoy. But in September 1845 Gustave

firmly announces himself to be 'a white bear'.

 

Why? Is it because he's a bear who is also a white European? Is it perhaps an identity

taken from the white bearskin rug on his study floor (which he first mentions in a letter to

Louise Colet of August 1846, telling her that he likes to stretch out on it during the day.

Maybe he chose his species so that he could lie on his rug, punning and camouflaged)?

Or is this coloration indicative of a further shift away from humanity, a progression to the

extremes of ursinity? The brown, the black, the reddish bear are not that far from man,

from man's cities, man's friendship even. The coloured bears can mostly be tamed. But

the white, the polar bear? It doesn't dance for man's pleasure; it doesn't eat berries; it can't

be trapped by a weakness for honey.

 

Other bears are used. The Romans imported bears from Britain for their games. The

Kamchatkans, a people of eastern Siberia, used to employ the intestines of bears as facemasks

to protect them from the glare of the sun; and they used the sharpened shoulderblade

for cutting grass. But the white bear, Thalarctos maritimus, is the aristocrat of

bears. Aloof, distant, stylishly diving for fish, roughly ambushing seals when they come

up for air. The maritime bear. They travel great distances, carried along on floating packice.

One winter in the last century twelve great white bears got as far south as Iceland by

this method; imagine them riding down on their melting thrones to make a terrifying,

godlike landfall. William Scoresby, the Arctic explorer, noted that the liver of the bear is

poisonous—the only part of any quadruped known to be so. Among zoo-keepers there is

no known test for pregnancy in the polar bear. Strange facts that Flaubert might not have

found strange.

 

When the Yakuts, a Siberian people, meet a bear, they doff their caps, greet him, call him

master, old man or grandfather, and promise not to attack him or even speak ill of him.

But if he looks as though he may pounce on them, they shoot at him, and if they kill him,

they cut him in pieces and roast him and regale themselves, repeating all the while, 'It is

the Russians who are eating you, not us.'

 

A.-F. Aulagnier, Dictionnaire des aliments et boissons

 

Were there other reasons why he chose to be a bear? The figurative sense of ours is much

the same as in English: a rough, wild fellow. Ours is slang for a police cell. Avoir ses

ours, to have one's bears, means 'to have the curse' (presumably because at such times a

woman is supposed to behave like a bear with a sore head). Etymologists trace this

colloquialism to the turn of the century (Flaubert doesn't use it; he prefers the redcoats

have landed, and other humorous variations thereon. On one occasion, having worried

over Louise Colet's irregularity, he finally notes with relief that Lord Palmerston has

arrived). Un ours mal léché, a badly licked bear, is someone uncouth and misanthropic.

More apt for Flaubert, un ours was nineteenth-century slang for a play which had been

frequently submitted and turned down, but eventually accepted.

 

No doubt Flaubert knew La Fontaine's fable of the Bear and the Man Who Delighted in

Gardens. There once was a bear, an ugly and deformed creature, who hid from the world

and lived all alone in a wood. After a while he became melancholy and frantic—'for

indeed, Reason seldom resides long among Anchorites'. So he set off and met a gardener,

 


 

who had also lived a hermetic life, and also longed for company. The bear moved into the

gardener's hovel. The gardener had become a hermit because he could not abide fools;

but since the bear spoke scarcely three words in the course of the day, he was able to get

on with his work without disturbance. The bear used to go hunting, and bring home game

for both of them. When the gardener went to sleep, the bear would sit beside him

devotedly and chase away the flies that tried to settle on his face. One day, a fly landed

on the tip of the man's nose, and declined to be driven away. The bear became extremely

angry with the fly, and eventually seized a huge stone and succeeded in killing it.

Unfortunately, in the process he beat the gardener's brains out.

 

Perhaps Louise Colet knew the story too.

 

The Camel

 

If Gustave hadn't been the Bear, he might have been the Camel. In January 1852 he

writes to Louise and explains, yet again, his incorrigibility: he is as he is, he cannot

change, he does not have a say in the matter, he is subject to the gravity of, things, that

gravity 'which makes the polar bear inhabit the icy regions and the camel walk upon the

sand'. Why the camel? Perhaps because it is a fine example of the Flaubertian grotesque:

it cannot help being serious and comic at the same time. He reports from Cairo: 'One of

the finest things is the camel. I never tire of watching this strange beast that lurches like a

turkey and sways its neck like a swan. Its cry is something I wear myself out trying to

imitate—I hope to bring it back with me—but it's hard to reproduce—a rattle with a kind

of tremendous gargling as an accompaniment.'

 

The species also exhibited a character trait which was familiar to Gustave: 'I am, in both

my physical and my mental activity, like the dromedary, which it is very hard to get

going and very hard, once it is going, to stop; continuity is what I need, whether of rest or

of motion.' This 1853 analogy, once it has got going, also proves hard to stop: it is still

running in a letter to George Sand of 1868.

 

Chameau, camel, was slang for an old courtesan. I do not think this association would

have put Flaubert off.

 

The Sheep

 

Flaubert loved fairs: the tumblers, the giantesses, the freaks, the dancing bears. In

Marseilles he visited a quayside booth advertising 'sheep-women', who ran around while

sailors tugged at their fleeces to see if they were real. This was not a high-class show:

'nothing could be stupider or filthier', he reported. He was far more impressed at the fair

in Guérande, an old fortified town north-west of St Nazaire, which he visited during his

walking tour of Brittany with Du Camp in 1847. A booth run by a sly peasant with a

Picardy accent advertised 'a young phenomenon': it turned out to be a five-legged sheep

with a tail in the shape of a trumpet. Flaubert was delighted, both with the freak and with

its owner. He admired the beast rapturously; he took the owner out to dinner, assured him

he would make a fortune, and advised him to write to King Louis Philippe on the matter.

By the end of the evening, to Du Camp's clear disapproval, they were calling one another

tu.

 


 

'The young phenomenon' fascinated Flaubert, and became part of his teasing vocabulary.

As he and Du Camp tramped along, he would introduce his friend to the trees and the

bushes with mock gravity: 'May I present the young phenomenon?' At Brest, Gustave fell

in with the sly Picard and his freak once again, dined and got drunk with him, and further

praised the magnificence of his animal. He was often thus overcome by frivolous manias;

Du Camp waited for this one to run its course like a fever.

 

The following year, in Paris, Du Camp was ill, and confined to bed in his apartment. At

four o'clock one afternoon he heard a commotion on the landing outside, and his door

was flung open. Gustave strode in, followed by the five-legged sheep and the showman in

the blue blouse. Some fair at the Invalides or the Champs-Elysées had disgorged them,

and Flaubert was eager to share their rediscovery with his friend. Du Camp drily notes

that the sheep 'did not conduct itself well'. Nor did Gustave—shouting for wine, leading

the animal round the room and bellowing its virtues: 'The young phenomenon is three

years old, has passed the Académie de Médecine, and has been honoured by visits from

several crowned heads, etc.' After a quarter of an hour the sick Du Camp had had enough.

'I dismissed the sheep and its proprietor, and had my room swept.'

 

But the sheep had left its droppings in Flaubert's memory as well. A year before his death

he was still reminding Du Camp about his surprise arrival with the young phenomenon,

and still laughing as much as the day it had happened.

 

The Monkey, the Donkey, the Ostrich, the Second Donkey, and Maxime du Camp

 

A week ago I saw a monkey in the street jump on a donkey and try to wank him off—the

donkey brayed and kicked, the monkey's owner shouted, the monkey itself squealed—

apart from two or three children who laughed and me who found it very funny, no one

paid any attention. When I described this to M. Bellin, the secretary at the consulate, he

told me of having seen an ostrich trying to rape a donkey. Max had himself wanked off

the other day in a deserted section among some ruins and said it was very good.

 

Letter to Louis Bouilhet, Cairo, January 15th, 1850

 

The Parrot

 

Parrots are human to begin with; etymologically, that is. Perroquet is a diminutive of

Pierrot; parrot comes from Pierre; Spanish perico derives from Pedro. For the Greeks,

their ability to speak was an item in the philosophical debate over the differences between

man and the animals. Aelian reports that 'the Brahmins honour them above all other

birds. And they add that it is only reasonable to do so; for the parrot alone can give a

good imitation of the human voice.' Aristotle and Pliny note that the bird is extremely

lecherous when drunk. More pertinently, Buffon observes that it is prone to epilepsy.

Flaubert knew of this fraternal weakness: the notes he took on parrots when researching

Un coeur simple include a list of their maladies—gout, epilepsy, aphtha and throat ulcers.

 

To recapitulate. First there is Loulou, Félicité's parrot. Then there are the two contending

stuffed parrots, one at the Hôtel-Dieu and one at Croisset. Then there are the three live

parrots, two at Trouville and one at Venice; plus the sick parakeet at Antibes. As a

possible source for Loulou we can, I think, eliminate the mother of a 'hideous' English

 


 

family encountered by Gustave on the boat from Alexandria to Cairo: with a green

eyeshade attached to her bonnet, she looked 'like a sick old parrot'.

 

Caroline, in her Souvenirs intimes, remarks that 'Félicité and her parrot really lived' and

directs us towards the first Trouville parrot, that of Captain Barbey, as the true ancestor

of Loulou. But this doesn't answer the more important question: how, and when, did a

simple (if magnificent) living bird of the 1830s get turned into a complicated,

transcendent parrot of the 1870s? We probably shan't ever find out; but we can suggest a

point at which the transformation might have begun.

 

The second, uncompleted part of Bouvard et Pécuchet was to consist mainly of 'La

Copie', an enormous dossier of oddities, idiocies and self-condemning quotations, which

the two clerks were solemnly to copy out for their own edification, and which Flaubert

would reproduce with a more sardonic intent. Among the thousands of press cuttings he

collected for possible inclusion in the dossier is the following story, clipped from

L'Opinion nationale of June 20th, 1863:

 

'In Géurouville, near Arlon, there lived a man who owned a magnificent parrot. It was his

sole love. As a young man, he had been the victim of an ill-starred passion; the

experience had made him misanthropic, and now he lived alone with his parrot. He had

taught the bird to pronounce the name of his lost love, and this name was repeated a

hundred times a day. This was the bird's only talent, but in the eyes of its owner, the

unfortunate Henri K—, it was a talent worth all the others. Every time he heard the sacred

name pronounced by this strange voice, Henri thrilled with joy; it seemed to him like a

voice from beyond the grave, something mysterious and superhuman.

 

'Solitude enflamed the imagination of Henri K—, and gradually the parrot began to take

on a rare significance in his mind. For him it became a kind ofholy bird: he would handle

it with deep respect, and spend hours in rapt contemplation ofit. Then the parrot,

returning its master's gaze with an unflinching eye, would murmur the cabbalistic word,

and Henri's soul would be filled with the memory of his lost happiness. This strange life

lasted several years. One day, however, people noticed that Henri K—was looking

gloomier than usual; and there was a strange, wild light in his eye. The parrot had died.

 

'Henri K—continued to live alone, now completely so. He had no link with the outside

world. He became more and more wrapped up in himself. Sometimes he would not leave

his room for days on end. He would eat whatever food was brought him, but took no

notice of anyone. Gradually he began to believe that he himself had turned into a parrot.

As if in imitation of the dead bird, he would squawk out the name he loved to hear; he

would try walking like a parrot, perching on things, and extending his arms as if he had

wings to beat.

 

'Sometimes, he would lose his temper and start breaking the furniture; and his family

decided to send him to the maison de santé at Gheel. On the journey there, however, he

escaped during the night. The next morning they found him perched in a tree. Persuading

him to come down proved very difficult, until someone had the idea of placing at the foot

of his tree an enormous parrot-cage. On seeing this, the unfortunate monomaniac climbed

down and was recaptured. He is now in the maison de santé at Gheel.'

 


 

We know that Flaubert was struck by this newspaper story. After the line, 'gradually the

parrot began to take on a rare significance in his mind', he made the following annotation:

'Change the animal: make it a dog instead of a parrot.' Some brief plan for a future work,

no doubt. But when, finally, the story of Loulou and Félicité came to be written, it was

the parrot which stayed in place, and the owner who was changed.

 

Before Un coeur simple, parrots flit briefly through Flaubert's work, and through his

letters. Explaining to Louise the pull of foreign lands (December 11th, 1846), Gustave

writes: 'When we are children, we all want to live in the country of parrots and candied

dates.' Comforting a sad and discouraged Louise (March 27th, 1853), he reminds her that

we are all caged birds, and that life weighs the heaviest on those with the largest wings:

'We are all to a greater or lesser degree eagles or canaries, parrots or vultures.' Denying to

Louise that he is vain (December 9th, 1852), he distinguishes between Pride and Vanity:

'Pride is a wild beast which lives in caves and roams the desert; Vanity, on the other

hand, is a parrot which hops from branch to branch and chatters away in full view.'

Describing to Louise the heroic quest for style that Madame Bovary represents (April

19th, 1852), he explains: 'How many times have I fallen flat on my face, just when I

thought I had it within my grasp. Still, I feel that I mustn't die without making sure that

the style I can hear inside my head comes roaring out and drowns the cries of parrots and

cicadas.'

 

In Salammbô, as I have already mentioned, the Carthaginian translators have parrots

tattooed on their chests (a detail perhaps more apt than authentic?); in the same novel,

some of the Barbarians have 'sunshades in their hands or parrots on their shoulders';

while the furnishings of Salammbô's terrace include a small ivory bed whose cushions are

stuffed with parrot feathers—'for this was a prophetic bird, consecrated to the gods'.

 

There are no parrots in Madame Bovary or Bouvard et Pécuchet; no entry for

PERROQUET in the Dictionnaire des idées reçues; and only a couple of brief mentions

in La Tentation de saint Antoine. In Saint Julien l'hospitalier few animal species avoid

slaughter during Julien's first hunt—roosting grouse have their legs cut off, and lowflying

cranes are snapped out of the sky by the huntsman's whip—but the parrot remains

unmentioned and unharmed. In the second hunt, however, when Julien's ability to kill

evaporates, when the animals become elusive, threatening observers of their stumbling

pursuer, the parrot makes an appearance. Flashes of light in the forest, which Julien

assumed to be stars low in the sky, prove to be the eyes of watching beasts: wild cats,

squirrels, owls, parrots and monkeys.

 

And let's not forget the parrot that wasn't there. In L'Education sentimentale Frédéric

wanders through an area of Paris wrecked by the 1848 uprising. He walks past barricades

which have been torn down; he sees black pools that must be blood; houses have their

blinds hanging like rags from a single nail. Here and there amid the chaos, delicate things

have survived by chance. Frédéric peers in at a window. He sees a clock, some prints—

and a parrot's perch.

 

It isn't so different, the way we wander through the past. Lost, disordered, fearful, we

follow what signs there remain; we read the street names, but cannot be confident where

we are. All around is wreckage. These people never stopped fighting. Then we see a

 


 

house; a writer's house, perhaps. There is a plaque on the front wall. 'Gustave Flaubert,

French writer, 1821-1880, lived here while—' but then the letters shrink impossibly, as if

on some optician's chart. We walk closer. We look in at a window. Yes, it's true; despite

the carnage some delicate things have survived. A clock still ticks. Prints on the wall

remind us that art was once appreciated here. A parrot's perch catches the eye. We look

for the parrot. Where is the parrot? We still hear its voice; but all we can see is a bare

wooden perch. The bird has flown.

 

Dogs

 

1 The Dog Romantic. This was a large Newfoundland, the property of Elisa Schlesinger.

If we believe Du Camp, he was called Nero; if we believe Goncourt, he was called

Thabor. Gustave met Mme Schlesinger at Trouville: he was fourteen and a half, she

twenty-six. She was beautiful, her husband was rich; she wore an immense straw hat, and

her well-modelled shoulders could be glimpsed through her muslin dress. Nero, or

Thabor, went everywhere with her. Gustave often followed at a discreet distance. Once,

on the dunes, she opened her dress and suckled her baby. He was lost, helpless, tortured,

fallen. Ever afterwards he would maintain that the brief summer of 1836 had cauterised

his heart. (We are at liberty, of course, to disbelieve him. What did the Goncourts say?

'Though perfectly frank by nature, he is never wholly sincere in what he says he feels and

suffers and loves.') And whom did he first tell of this passion? His schoolfriends? His

mother? Mme Schlesinger herself? No: he told Nero (or Thabor). He would take the

Newfoundland for walks across the Trouville sands, and in the soft secrecy of a dune he

would drop down on his knees and wrap his arms around the dog. Then he would kiss it

where he knew its mistress's lips had been not long before (the location of the kiss

remains a matter of debate: some say on the muzzle, some say on the top of the head); he

would whisper in shaggy ear of Nero (or Thabor) the secrets he longed to whisper in the

ear that lay between the muslin dress and the straw hat; and he would burst into tears.

 

The memory of Mme Schlesinger, and her presence too, pursued Flaubert for the rest of

his life. What happened to the dog is not recorded.

 

2 The Dog Practical. Not sufficient study, to my mind, has been made of the pets which

were kept at Croisset. They flicker into brief existence, sometimes with a name attached,

sometimes not; we rarely know when or how they were acquired, and when or how they

died. Let us assemble them:

 

In 1840 Gustave's sister Caroline has a goat called Souvit.

In 1840 the family has a black Newfoundland bitch called Néo (perhaps this name

influenced Du Camp's memory of Mme Schlesinger's Newfoundland).

In 1853 Gustave dines alone at Croisset with an unnamed dog.

In 1854 Gustave dines with a dog named Dakno; probably the same animal as

above.

In 1856-7 his niece Caroline has a pet rabbit.


 

In 1856 he exhibits on his lawn a stuffed crocodile he has brought back from the

East: enabling it to bask in the sun again for the first time in 3,000 years.

In 1858 a wild rabbit takes up residence in the garden; Gustave forbids its

slaughter.

In 1866 Gustave dines alone with a bowl of goldfish.

In 1867 the pet dog (no name, no breed) is killed by poison which has been laid

down for rats.

In 1872 Gustave acquires Julio, a greyhound.

Note: If we are to complete the list of known domestic creatures to which Gustave

played host, we must record that in October 1842 he suffered an infestation of

crab-lice.

Of the pets listed above, the only one about which we have proper information is Julio. In

April 1872 Mme Flaubert died; Gustave was left alone in the big house, having meals at a

large table 'tête-à-tête with myself'. In September his friend Edmond Laporte offered him

a greyhound. Flaubert hesitated, being frightened of rabies, but eventually accepted it. He

named the dog Julio (in honour of Juliet Herbert?—if you wish) and quickly grew fond of

it. By the end of the month he was writing to his niece that—his sole distraction (thirtysix

years after casting his arms round Mme Schlesinger's Newfoundland) was to embrace

his 'pauvre chien'. 'His calm and his beauty make one jealous.'

 

The greyhound became his final companion at Croisset. An unlikely couple: the stout,

sedentary novelist and the sleek racing dog. Julio's own private life began to feature in

Flaubert's correspondence: he announced that the dog had become 'morganatically united'

with 'a young person' of the neighbourhood. Owner and pet even got ill together: in the

spring of 1879 Flaubert had rheumatism and a swollen foot, while Julio had an

unspecified canine disease. 'He is exactly like a person,' Gustave wrote. 'He makes little

gestures that are profoundly human.' Both of them recovered, and staggered on through

the year. The winter of 1879-80 was exceptionally cold. Flaubert's housekeeper made

Julio a coat out of an old pair of trousers. They got through the winter together. Flaubert

died in the spring.

 

What happened to the dog is not recorded.

 

3 The Dog Figurative. Madame Bovary has a dog, given to her by a game-keeper whose

chest infection has been cured by her husband. It is une petite levrette d'Italie: a small

Italian greyhound bitch. Nabokov, who is exceedingly peremptory with all translators of

Flaubert, renders this as whippet. Whether he is zoologically correct or not, he certainly

loses the sex of the animal, which seems to me important. This dog is given a passing

significance as…less than a symbol, not exactly a metaphor; call it a figure. Emma

acquires the greyhound while she and Charles are still living at Tostes: the time of early,

inchoate stirrings of dissatisfaction within her; the time of boredom and discontent, but

not yet of corruption. She takes her greyhound for walks, and the animal becomes,

 


 

tactfully, briefly, for half a paragraph or so, something more than just a dog. 'At first her

thoughts would wander aimlessly, like her greyhound, which ran in circles, yapping after

yellow butterflies, chasing field-mice and nibbling at poppies on the edge of a cornfield.

Then, gradually, her ideas would come together until, sitting on a stretch of grass and

stabbing at it with the end ofher parasol, she would repeat to herself, "Oh God, why did I

get married?"'

 

That is the first appearance of the dog, a delicate insertion; afterwards, Emma holds its

head and kisses it (as Gustave had done to Nero/Thabor): the dog has a melancholy

expression, and she talks to it as if to someone in need of consolation. She is talking, in

other words (and in both senses), to herself. The dog's second appearance is also its last.

Charles and Emma move from Tostes to Yonville—a journey which marks Emma's shift

from dreams and fantasies to reality and corruption. Note also the traveller who shares

the coach with them: the ironically named Monsieur Lheureux, the fancy-goods dealer

and part-time usurer who finally ensnares Emma (financial corruption marks her fall as

much as sexual corruption). On the journey, Emma's greyhound escapes. They spend a

good quarter of an hour whistling for it, and then give up. M. Lheureux plies Emma with

a foretaste of false comfort: he tells her consoling stories of lost dogs which have

returned to their masterss despite great distances; why, there was even one that made it all

the way back to Paris from Constantinople. Emma's reaction to these stories is not

recorded.

 

What happened to the dog is also not recorded.

 

4 The Dog Drowned and the Dog Fantastical. In January 1852 Flaubert and Du Camp

were in Greece. They visited Marathón, Eleusis and Salamís. They met General Morandi,

a soldier of fortune who had fought at Missolonghi, and who indignantly denied to them

the calumny put about by the British aristocracy that Byron had deteriorated morally

while in Greece: 'He was magnificent,' the General told them. 'He looked like Achilles.'

Du Camp records how they visited Thermopylae and re-read their Plutarch on the

battlefield. On January 12th they were heading towards Eleuthera—the two friends, a

dragoman, and an armed policeman they employed as a guard—when the weather

worsened. Rain fell heavily; the plain they were crossing became inundated; the

policeman's Scotch terrier was suddenly carried away and drowned in a swollen torrent.

The rain turned to snow, and darkness closed in. Clouds shut out the stars; their solitude

was complete.

 

An hour passed, then another; snow gathered thickly in the folds of their clothes; they

missed their road. The policeman fired some pistol shots in the air, but there was no

answer. Saturated, and very cold, they faced the prospect of a night in the saddle amid

inhospitable terrain. The policeman was grieving for his Scotch terrier, while the

dragoman—a fellow with big, prominent eyes like a lobster's—had proved singularly

incompetent throughout the trip; even his cooking had been a failure. They were riding

cautiously, straining their eyes for a distant light, when the policeman shouted, 'Halt!' A

dog was barking somewhere in the far distance. It was then that the dragoman displayed

his sole talent: the ability to bark like a dog. He began to do so with a desperate vigour.

When he stopped, they listened, and heard answering barks. The dragoman howled again.

 


 

Slowly they advanced, stopping every so often to bark and be barked back at, then

reorienting themselves. After half an hour of marching towards the ever-loudening

village dog, they eventually found shelter for the night.

 

What happened to the dragoman is not recorded.

 

Note: Is it fair to add that Gustave's journal offers a different version of the story? He

agrees about the weather; he agrees about the date; he agrees that the dragoman couldn't

cook (a constant offering of lamb and hard-boiled eggs drove him to lunch on dry bread).

Strangely, though, he doesn't mention reading Plutarch on the battlefield. The

policeman's dog (breed unidentified in Flaubert's version) wasn't carried away by a

torrent; it just drowned in deep water. As for the barking dragoman, Gustave merely

records that when they heard the village dog in the distance, he ordered the policeman to

fire his pistol in the air. The dog barked its reply; the policeman fired again; and by this

more ordinary means they progressed towards shelter.

 

What happened to the truth is not recorded.

 

5: Snap!

In the more bookish areas of English middle-class society, whenever a coincidence

occurs there is usually someone at hand to comment, 'It's just like Anthony Powell.' Often

the coincidence turns out, on the shortest examination, to be unremarkable: typically, it

might consist of two acquaintances from school or university running into one another

after a gap of several years. But the name of Powell is invoked to give legitimacy to the

event; it's rather like getting the priest to bless your car.

 

I don't much care for coincidences. There's something spooky about them: you sense

momentarily what it must be like to live in an ordered, God-run universe, with Himself

looking over your shoulder and helpfully dropping coarse hints about a cosmic plan. I

prefer to feel that things are chaotic, free-wheeling, permanently as well as temporarily

crazy—to feel the certainty of human ignorance, brutality and folly. 'Whatever else

happens,' Flaubert wrote when the Franco-Prussian war broke out, 'we shall remain

stupid.' Mere boastful pessimism? Or a necessary razing of expectation before anything

can be properly thought, or done, or written?

 

I don't even care for harmless, comic coincidences. I once went out to dinner and

discovered that the seven other people present had all just finished reading A Dance to

the Music of Time. I didn't relish this: not least because it meant that I didn't break my

silence until the cheese course.

 

And as for coincidences in books—there's something cheap and sentimental about the

device; it can't help always seeming aesthetically gimcrack. That troubadour who passes

by just in time to rescue the girl from a hedgerow scuffle; the sudden but convenient

Dickensian benefactors; the neat shipwreck on a foreign shore which reunites siblings

and lovers. I once disparaged this lazy stratagem to a poet I met, a man presumably

skilled in the coincidences of rhyme. 'Perhaps,' he replied with a genial loftiness, 'you

have too prosaic a mind?'

 


 

'But surely,' I came back, rather pleased with myself, 'a prosaic mind is the best judge of

prose?'

 

I'd ban coincidences, if I were a dictator of fiction. Well, perhaps not entirely.

Coincidences would be permitted in the picaresque; that's where they belong. Go on, take

them: let the pilot whose parachute has failed to open land in the haystack, let the

virtuous pauper with the gangrenous foot discover the buried treasure—it's all right, it

doesn't really matter…

 

One way of legitimising coincidences, of course, is to call them ironies. That's what smart

people do. Irony is, after all, the modern mode, a drinking companion for resonance and

wit. Who could be against it? And yet sometimes I wonder if the wittiest, most resonant

irony isn't just a well-brushed, well-educated coincidence.

 

I don't know what Flaubert thought about coincidence. I had hoped for some

characteristic entry in his unflaggingly ironic Dictionnaire des idées revues; but it jumps

pointedly from cognac to coitus. Still, his love of irony is plain; it's one of the most

modern things about him. In Egypt he was delighted to discover that almeh, the word for

'bluestocking', had gradually lost this original meaning and come to signify 'whore'.

 

Do ironies accrete around the ironist? Flaubert certainly thought so. The celebrations for

the centenary of Voltaire's death in 1878 were stage-managed by the chocolate firm of

Menier. 'That poor old genius,' Gustave commented, 'how irony never quits him.' It

badgered Gustave too. When he wrote of himself, 'I attract mad people and animals',

perhaps he should have added 'and ironies'.

 

Take Madame Bovary. It was prosecuted for obscenity by Ernest Pinard, the advocate

who also enjoys the shabby fame of leading the case against Les Fleurs du mal. Some

years after Bovary had been cleared, Pinard was discovered to be the anonymous author

of a collection of priapic verses. The novelist was much amused.

 

And then, take the book itself. Two of the best-remembered things in it are Emma's

adulterous drive in the curtained cab (a passage found especially scandalous by rightthinkers),

and the very last line of the novel—'He has just received the Legion of

Honour'—which confirms the bourgeois apotheosis of the pharmacist Homais. Now, the

idea for the curtained cab appears to have come to Flaubert as a result of his own

eccentric conduct in Paris when anxious to avoid running into Louise Colet. To avoid

being recognised, he took to driving everywhere in a closed cab. Thus, he maintained his

chastity by using a device he would later employ to facilitate his heroine's sexual

indulgence.

 

With Homais's Légion d'honneur, it's the other way round: life imitates and ironises art.

Barely ten years after that final line of Madame Bovary was written, Flaubert, arch antibourgeois

and virile hater of governments, allowed himself to be created a chevalier of

the Légion d'honneur. Consequently, the last line of his life parroted the last line of his

masterpiece: at his funeral a picket of soldiers turned up to fire a volley over the coffin,

and thus bid the state's traditional farewell to one of its most improbable and sardonic

 

chevaliers.

 


 

And if you don't like these ironies, I have others.

 

1: DAWN AT THE PYRAMIDS

In December 1849 Flaubert and Du Camp climbed the Great Pyramid of Cheops. They

had slept beside it the previous night, and rose at five to make sure of reaching the top by

sunrise. Gustave washed his face in a canvas pail; a jackal howled; he smoked a pipe.

Then, with two Arabs pushing him and two pulling, he was bundled slowly up the high

stones of the Pyramid to the summit. Du Camp—the first man to photograph the

Sphinx—was there already. Ahead of them lay the Nile, bathed in mist, like a white sea;

behind them lay the dark desert, like a petrified purple ocean. At last, a streak of orange

light appeared to the east; and gradually the white sea in front of them became an

immense expanse of fertile green, while the purple ocean behind turned shimmering

white. The rising sun lit up the topmost stones of the Pyramid, and Flaubert, looking

down at his feet, noticed a small business-card pinned in place. 'Humbert, Frotteur', it

read, and gave a Rouen address.

 

What a moment of perfectly targeted irony. A modernist moment, too: this is the sort of

exchange, in which the everyday tampers with the sublime, that we like to think of

proprietorially as typical of our own wry and unfoolable age. We thank Flaubert for

picking it up; in a sense, the irony wasn't there until he observed it. Other visitors might

have seen the business-card as merely a piece of litter—it could have stayed there, its

drawing-pins slowly rusting, for years; but Flaubert gave it function.

 

And if we are feeling interpretative, we can look further into this brief event. Isn't it,

perhaps, a notable historical coincidence that the greatest European novelist of the

nineteenth century should be introduced at the Pyramids to one of the twentieth century's

most notorious fictional characters? That Flaubert, still damp from skewering boys in

Cairo bath-houses, should fall on the name of Nabokov's seducer of underage American

girlhood? And further, what is the profession of this single-barrelled version of Humbert

Humbert? He is a frotteur. Literally, a French polisher; but also, the sort of sexual deviant

who loves the rub of the crowd.

 

And that's not all. Now for the irony about the irony. It turns out, from Flaubert's travel

notes, that the business-card wasn't pinned in place by Monsieur Frotteur himself; it was

put there by the lithe and thoughtful Maxime du Camp, who had scampered ahead in the

purple night and laid out this little mousetrap for his friend's sensibility. The balance of

our response shifts with this knowledge: Flaubert becomes plodding and predictable; Du

Camp becomes the wit, the dandy, the teaser of modernism before modernism has

declared itself.

 

But then we read on again. If we turn to Flaubert's letters, we discover him, some days

after the incident, writing to his mother about the sublime surprise of the discovery. 'And

to think that I had specially brought that card all the way from Croisset and didn't even

get to put it in place! The villain took advantage of my forgetfulness and discovered the

wonderfully apposite business-card in the bottom of my folding hat.' So, ever stranger:

Flaubert, when he left home, was already preparing the special effects which would later

appear entirely characteristic of how he perceived the world. Ironies breed; realities

 


 

recede. And why, just out of interest, did he take his folding hat to the Pyramids?

 

2: DESERT ISLAND DISCS

Gustave used to look back on his summer holidays at Trouville—spent between Captain

Barbey's parrot and Mme Schlesinger's dog—as among the few tranquil times of his life.

Reminiscing from the autumn of his mid-twenties, he told Louise Colet that 'the greatest

events of my life have been a few thoughts, reading, certain sunsets by the sea at

Trouville, and conversations of five or six hours on the trot with a friend [Alfred Le

Poittevin] who is now married and lost to me.'

 

In Trouville he met Gertrude and Harriet Collier, daughters of a British naval attaché.

Both, it seems, became enamoured of him. Harriet gave him her portrait, which hung

over the chimney-piece at Croisset; but it was of Gertrude that he was fonder. Her

feelings for him may be guessed at from a text she wrote decades later, after Gustave's

death. Adopting the style of romantic fiction, and using disguised names, she boasts that

'I loved him passionately, adoringly. Years have passed over my head but I have never

felt the worship, the love and yet the fear that took possession of my soul then.

Something told me I should never be his…But I knew, in the deepest recesses of my

heart, how truly I could love him, honour him and obey him.'

 

Gertrude's lush memoir might well be fanciful: what, after all, is more sentimentally

alluring than a dead genius and an adolescent beach holiday? But perhaps it wasn't.

Gustave and Gertrude kept in distant touch along the decades. He sent her a copy of

Madame Bovary (she thanked him, pronounced the novel 'hideous', and quoted at him

Philip James Bailey, author of Festus, on the writer's duty to give moral instruction to the

reader); and forty years after that first meeting in Trouville she came to visit him at

Croisset. The handsome, blond cavalier of her youth was now bald and red-faced, with

only a couple of teeth left in his head. But his gallantry remained in good health. 'My old

friend, my youth,' he wrote to her afterwards, 'during the long years I have lived without

knowing your whereabouts, there was perhaps not a single day when I did not think of

you.

 

During the course of those long years (in 1847, to be precise, the year after Flaubert was

recalling his Trouville sunsets to Louise) Gertrude had promised to love, honour and

obey someone else: an English economist called Charles Tennant. While Flaubert slowly

attained European fame as a novelist, Gertrude was herself to publish a book: an edition

of her grandfather's journal, called France on the Eve of the Great Revolution. She died

in 1918 at the age of ninety-nine; and she had a daughter, Dorothy, who married the

explorer Henry Morton Stanley.

 

On one of Stanley's trips to Africa, his party got into difficulties. The explorer was

obliged gradually to discard all his unnecessary belongings. It was, in a way, a reverse,

real-life version of 'Desert Island Discs': instead of being equipped with things to make

life in the tropics more bearable, Stanley was having to get rid of things to survive there.

Books were obviously supernumerary, and he began jettisoning them until he got down to

those two which every guest on 'Desert Island Discs' is furnished with as a bare, civilised

minimum: the Bible and Shakespeare. Stanley's third book, the one he threw out before

 


 

reducing himself to this final minimum, was Salammbô.

 

3: THE SNAP OF COFFINS

The weary, valetudinarian tone of Flaubert's letter to Louise Colet about the sunsets was

not a pose. 1846, after all, was the year when first his father and then his sister Caroline

had died. 'What a house!' he wrote. 'What a hell!' All night Gustave watched beside his

sister's corpse: she lying in her white wedding-dress, he sitting and reading Montaigne.

 

On the morning of the funeral, he gave her a last farewell kiss as she lay in her coffin. For

the second time in three months he heard the battering sound of hobnailed boots climbing

the wooden stairs to fetch a body. Mourning was scarcely possible that day: practicalities

supervened. There was a lock of Caroline's hair to be cut, and plaster casts of her face and

hands to be taken: 'I saw the great paws of those louts touching her and covering her face

with plaster.' Great louts are necessary for funerals.

 

The trail to the cemetery was familiar from the time before. At the graveside Caroline's

husband broke down. Gustave watched as the coffin was lowered. Suddenly, it got stuck:

the hole had been dug too narrow. The gravediggers got hold of the coffin and shook it;

they pulled it this way and that, twisted it, hacked at it with a spade, levered at it with

crowbars; but still it wouldn't move. Finally, one of them placed his foot flat on the box,

right over Caroline's face, and forced it down into the grave.

 

Gustave had a bust made of that face; it presided over his study all his working life, until

his own death, in the same house, in 1880. Maupassant helped lay out the body.

Flaubert's niece asked for the traditional cast of the writer's hand to be taken. This proved

impossible: the fist was too tightly clenched in its terminal seizure.

 

The procession set off, first to the church at Canteleu, then to the Cimetière Monumental,

where the picket of soldiers fired its ludicrous gloss on the last line of Madame Bovary. A

few words were spoken, then the coffin was lowered. It got stuck. The width had been

correctly judged on this occasion; but the gravediggers had skimped on the length. Sons

of louts grappled with the coffin in vain; they could neither cram it in nor twist it out.

After a few embarrassed minutes the mourners slowly departed, leaving Flaubert jammed

into the ground at an oblique angle.

 

The Normans are a famously stingy race, and doubtless their gravediggers are no

exception; perhaps they resent every superfluous sod they cut, and maintained this

resentment as a professional tradition from 1846 to 1880. Perhaps Nabokov had read

Flaubert's letters before writing Lolita. Perhaps H. M. Stanley's admiration for Flaubert's

African novel isn't entirely surprising. Perhaps what we read as brute coincidence, silky

irony, or brave, far-sighted modernism, looked quite different at the time. Flaubert took

Monsieur Humbert's business-card all the way from Rouen to the Pyramids. Was it meant

to be a chuckling advertisement for his own sensibility; a tease about the gritty,

unpolishable surface of the desert; or might it just have been a joke on us?

 

6: Emma Bovary's Eyes

Let me tell you why I hate critics. Not for the normal reasons: that they're failed creators

 


 

(they usually aren't; they may be failed critics, but that's another matter); or that they're

by nature carping, jealous and vain (they usually aren't; if anything, they might better be

accused of over-generosity, of upgrading the second-rate so that their own fine

discriminations thereby appear the rarer). No, the reason I hate critics—well, some of the

time—is that they write sentences like this:

 

Flaubert does not build up his characters, as did Balzac, by objective, external

description; in fact, so careless is he of their outward appearance that on one occasion he

gives Emma brown eyes (14); on another deep black eyes (15); and on another blue eyes

(16).

 

This precise and disheartening indictment was drawn up by the late Dr Enid Starkie,

Reader Emeritus in French Literature at the University of Oxford, and Flaubert's most

exhaustive British biographer. The numbers in her text refer to footnotes in which she

spears the novelist with chapter and verse.

 

I once heard Dr Starkie lecture, and I'm glad to report that she had an atrocious French

accent; one of those deliveries full of dame-school confidence and absolutely no ear,

swerving between workaday correctness and farcical error, often within the same word.

Naturally, this didn't affect her competence to teach at the University of Oxford, because

until quite recently the place preferred to treat modern languages as if they were dead:

this made them more respectable, more like the distant perfections of Latin and Greek.

Even so, it did strike me as peculiar that someone who lived by French literature should

be so calamitously inadequate at making the basic words of the language sound as they

did when her subjects, her heroes (her paymasters, too, you could say), first pronounced

them.

 

You might think this a cheap revenge on a dead lady critic simply for pointing out that

Flaubert didn't have a very reliable notion of Emma Bovary's eyes. But then I don't hold

with the precept de mortuis nil nisi bonum (I speak as a doctor, after all); and it's hard to

underestimate the irritation when a critic points out something like that to you. The

irritation isn't with Dr Starkie, not at first—she was only, as they say, doing her job—but

with Flaubert. So that painstaking genius couldn't even keep the eyes of his most famous

character a consistent colour? Ha. And then, unable to be cross with him for long, you

shift your feelings over to the critic.

 

I must confess that in all the times I read Madame Bovary, I never noticed the heroine's

rainbow eyes. Should I have? Would you? Was I perhaps too busy noticing things that Dr

Starkie was missing (though what they might have been I can't for the moment think)?

Put it another way: is there a perfect reader somewhere, a total reader? Does Dr Starkie's

reading of Madame Bovary contain all the responses which I have when I read the book,

and then add a whole lot more, so that my reading is in a way pointless? Well, I hope not.

My reading might be pointless in terms of the history of literary criticism; but it's not

pointless in terms of pleasure. I can't prove that lay readers enjoy books more than

professional critics; but I can tell you one advantage we have over them. We can forget.

Dr Starkie and her kind are cursed with memory: the books they teach and write about

can never fade from their brains. They become family. Perhaps this is why some critics

develop a faintly patronising tone towards their subjects. They act as if Flaubert, or

Milton, or Wordsworth were some tedious old aunt in a rocking chair, who smelt of stale

 


 

powder, was only interested in the past, and hadn't said anything new for years. Of

course, it's her house, and everybody's living in it rent free; but even so, surely it is, well,

you know…time?

 

Whereas the common but passionate reader is allowed to forget; he can go away, be

unfaithful with other writers, come back and be entranced again. Domesticity need never

intrude on the relationship; it may be sporadic, but when there it is always intense.

There's none of the daily rancour which develops when people live bovinely together. I

never find myself, fatigue in the voice, reminding Flaubert to hang up the bathmat or use

the lavatory brush. Which is what Dr Starkie can't help herself doing. Look, writers aren't

perfect, I want to cry, any more than husbands and wives are perfect. The only unfailing

rule is, If they seem so, they can't be. I never thought my wife was perfect. I loved her,

but I never deceived myself. I remember…But I'll keep that for another time.

 

I'll remember instead another lecture I once attended, some years ago at the Cheltenham

Literary Festival. It was given by a professor from Cambridge, Christopher Ricks, and it

was a very shiny performance. His bald head was shiny; his black shoes were shiny; and

his lecture was very shiny indeed. Its theme was Mistakes in Literature and Whether

They Matter. Yevtushenko, for example, apparently made a howler in one of his poems

about the American nightingale. Pushkin was quite wrong about the sort of military dress

worn at balls. John Wain was wrong about the Hiroshima pilot. Nabokov was wrong—

rather surprising, this—about the phonetics of the name Lolita. There were other

examples: Coleridge, Yeats and Browning were some of those caught out not knowing a

hawk from a handsaw, or not even knowing what a handsaw was in the first place.

 

Two examples particularly struck me. The first was a remarkable discovery about Lord of

the Flies. In the famous scene where Piggy's spectacles are used for the rediscovery of

fire, William Golding got his optics wrong. Completely back to front, in fact. Piggy is

short-sighted; and the spectacles he would have been prescribed for this condition could

not possibly have been used as burning glasses. Whichever way you held them, they

would have been quite unable to make the rays of the sun converge.

 

The second example concerned 'The Charge of the Light Brigade'. 'Into the valley of

Death/Rode the six hundred.' Tennyson wrote the poem very quickly, after reading a

report in The Times which included the phrase 'someone had blundered'. He also relied on

an earlier account which had mentioned '607 sabres'. Subsequently, however, the number

of those who took part in what Camille Rousset called ce terrible et sanglant

steeplechase was officially corrected to 673. 'Into the valley of Death/Rode the six

hundred and seventy-three'? Not quite enough swing to it, somehow. Perhaps it could

have been rounded up to seven hundred—still not quite accurate, but at least more

accurate? Tennyson considered the matter and decided to leave the poem as he had

written it: 'Six is much better than seven hundred (as I think) metrically so keep it.'

 

Not putting '673' or '700' or 'c. 700' instead of '600' hardly seems to qualify as a Mistake

to me. The shakiness of Golding's optics, on the other hand, must definitely be classed as

an error. The next qestion is, Does it matter? As far as I can remember Professor Ricks's

lecture, his argument was that if the factual side of literature becomes unreliable, then

ploys such as irony and fantasy become much harder to use. If you don't know what's

 


 

true, or what's meant to be true, then the value of what isn't true, or isn't meant to be true,

becomes diminished. This seems to me a very sound argument; though I do wonder to

how many cases of literary mistake it actually applies. With Piggy's glasses, I should

think that (a) very few people, apart from oculists, opticians and bespectacled professors

of English would notice; and (b) when they do notice, they merely detonate the error—

like blowing up a small bomb with a controlled explosion. What's more, this detonation

(which takes place on a remote beach, with only a dog as witness) doesn't set fire to other

parts of the novel.

 

Mistakes like Golding's are 'external mistakes'—disparities between what the book claims

to be the case, and what we know the reality to be; often they merely indicate a lack of

specific technical knowledge on the writer's part. The sin is pardonable. What, though,

about 'internal mistakes', when the writer claims two incompatible things within his own

creation? Emma's eyes are brown, Emma's eyes are blue. Alas, this can be put down only

to incompetence, to sloppy literary habits. I read the other day a well-praised first novel

in which the narrator—who is both sexually inexperienced and an amateur of French

literature—comically rehearses to himself the best way to kiss a girl without being

rebuffed: 'With a slow, sensual, irresistible strength, draw her gradually towards you

while gazing into her eyes as if you had just been given a copy of the first, suppressed

edition of Madame Bovary.'

 

I thought this was quite neatly put, indeed rather amusing. The only trouble is, there's no

such thing as a 'first, suppressed edition of Madame Bovary'. The novel, as I should have

thought was tolerably well known, first appeared serially in the Revue de Paris; then

came the prosecution for obscenity; and only after the acquittal was the work published in

book form. I expect the young novelist (it seems unfair to give his name) was thinking of

the 'first, suppressed edition' of Les Fleurs du mal. No doubt he'll get it right in time for

his second edition; if there is one.

 

Eyes of brown, eyes of blue. Does it matter? Not, does it matter if the writer contradicts

himself; but, does it matter what colour they are anyway? I feel sorry for novelists when

they have to mention women's eyes: there's so little choice, and whatever colouring is

decided upon inevitably carries banal implications. Her eyes are blue: innocence and

honesty. Her eyes are black: passion and depth. Her eyes are green: wildness and

jealousy. Her eyes are brown: reliability and common sense. Her eyes are violet: the

novel is by Raymond Chandler. How can you escape all this without some haversack of a

parenthesis about the lady's character? Her eyes are mud-coloured; her eyes changed hue

according to the contact lenses she wore; he never looked her in the eye. Well, take your

pick. My wife's eyes were greeny-blue, which makes her story a long one. And so I

suspect that in the writer's moments of private candour, he probably admits the

pointlessness of describing eyes. He slowly imagines the character, moulds her into

shape, and then—probably the last thing of all—pops a pair of glass eyes into those

empty sockets. Eyes? Oh yes, she'd better have eyes, he reflects, with a weary courtesy.

 

Bouvard and Pécuchet, during their investigations into literature, find that they lose

respect for an author when he strays into error. I am more surprised by how few mistakes

writers make. So the Bishop of Liège dies fifteen years before he should: does this

invalidate Quentin Durward? It's a trivial offence, something tossed to the reviewers. I

 


 

see the novelist at the stern rail of a cross-Channel ferry, throwing bits of gristle from his

sandwich to the hovering gulls.

 

I was too far away to observe what colour Enid Starkie's eyes were; all I remember of her

is that she dressed like a matelot, walked like a scrum-half, and had an atrocious French

accent. But I'll tell you another thing. The Reader Emeritus in French Literature at the

University of Oxford and Honorary Fellow of Somerville College, who was 'well known

for her studies of the lives and works of writers such as Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Gautier,

Eliot and Gide' (I quote her dust-wrapper; first edition, of course), who devoted two large

books and many years of her life to the author of Madame Bovary, chose as frontispiece

to her first volume a portrait of 'Gustave Flaubert by an unknown painter'. It's the first

thing we see; it is, if you like, the moment at which Dr Starkie introduces us to Flaubert.

The only trouble is, it isn't him. It's a portrait of Louis Bouilhet, as everyone from the

gardienne of Croisset onwards and upwards will tell you. So what do we make of that

once we've stopped chuckling?

 

Perhaps you still think I'm merely being vengeful towards a dead scholar who can't

answer for herself. Well, maybe I am. But then, quis custodiet ipsos custodes? And I'll

tell you something else. I've just reread Madame Bovary.

 

On one occasion he gives Emma brown eyes (14); on another deep black eyes (15); and

on another blue eyes (16).

 

And the moral of it all, I suppose, is: Never take fright at a footnote. Here are the six

references Flaubert makes to Emma Bovary's eyes in the course of the book. It is clearly

a subject of some importance to the novelist:

 

1. (Emma's first appearance) 'In so far as she was beautiful, this beauty lay in her eyes:

although they were brown, they would appear black because of her lashes…'

2. (Described by her adoring husband early in their marriage) 'Her eyes seemed bigger to

him, especially when she was just waking up and fluttered her lids several times in

succession; they were black when she was in shadow and dark blue in full daylight; and

they seemed to contain layer upon layer of colours, which were thicker in hue deep down,

and became lighter towards the enamel-like surface.'

3. (At a candlelit ball) 'Her black eyes appeared even blacker.'

4. (On first meeting Leon) 'Fixing him with her large, wide-open black eyes'.

5. (Indoors, as she appears to Rodolphe when he first examines her) 'Her black eyes'.

6. (Emma looking in a mirror, indoors, in the evening; she has just been seduced by

Rodolphe) 'Her eyes had never been so large, so black, nor contained such depth.'

How did the critic put it? 'Flaubert does not build up characters, as did Balzac, by

objective, external description; in fact, so careless is he of their outward appearance

that…' It would be interesting to compare the time spent by Flaubert making sure that his

heroine had the rare and difficult eyes of a tragic adulteress with the time spent by Dr

Starkie in carelessly selling him short.

 


 

And one final thing, just to make absolutely sure. Our earliest substantial source of

knowledge about Flaubert is Maxime du Camp's Souvenirs littéraires (Hachette, Paris,

1882-3, 2 vols): gossipy, vain, self-justifying and unreliable, yet historically essential. On

page 306 of the first volume (Remington & Co., London, 1893, no translator credited) Du

Camp describes in great detail the woman on whom Emma Bovary was based. She was,

he tells us, the second wife of a medical officer from Bon-Lecours, near Rouen:

 

This second wife was not beautiful; she was small, had dull yellow hair, and a face

covered with freckles. She was full of pretension, and despised her husband, whom she

considered a fool. Round and fair in person, her small bones were well-covered, and in

her carriage and her general bearing there were flexible, undulating movements, like

those of an eel. Her voice, vulgarised by its Lower Normandy accent, was full of

caressing tones, and her eyes, of uncertain colour, green, grey, or blue, according to the

light, had a pleading expression, which never left them.

 

Dr Starkie appears to have been serenely unaware of this enlightening passage. All in all,

it seems a magisterial negligence towards a writer who must, one way and another, have

paid a lot of her gas bills. Quite simply, it makes me furious. Now do you understand

why I hate critics? I could try and describe to you the expression in my eyes at this

moment; but they are far too discoloured with rage.

 

7: Cross Channel

Listen. Rattarattarattaratta. And then—shhh—over there. Fattafattafattafatta. And

again. Rattarattarattaratta—fattafattafattafatta. A soft November swell has set the tables

rattling metallically at one another across the bar. An insistent approach from a table

close at hand; a pause while some unheard throb shifts across the boat; and then a softer

reply from the other side. Call and response, call and response; like a pair of mechanical

birds in a cage. Listen to the pattern: rattarattarattaratta fattafattafattafatta

rattarattarattaratta fattafattafattafatta. Continuity, stability, mutual reliance, it says; yet

a change of wind or tide could end it all.

 

The curving windows at the stern are freckled with spray; through one of them you can

make out a set of fat capstans and a listless macaroni of sodden rope. The seagulls have

long since given up on this ferry. They cawed us out of Newhaven, had a look at the

weather, noted the lack of sandwich packs on the rear promenade, and turned back. Who

can blame them? They could have followed us the four hours to Dieppe in the hope of

picking up trade on the way back; but that makes for a ten-hour day. By now they will be

digging worms on some damp football pitch in Rottingdean.

 

Beneath the window is a bilingual rubbish bin with a spelling mistake. The top line says

PAPIERS (how official the French sounds: 'Driving licence! Identity card!' it seems to

command). The English translation underneath reads LITTERS. What a difference a

single consonant makes. The first time Flaubert saw his name advertised—as the author

of Madame Bovary, shortly to be serialised in the Revue de Paris—it was spelt Faubert.

'If I make an appearance one day, it will be in full armour,' had been his boast; but even

in full armour the armpit and the groin are never completely protected. As he pointed out

to Bouilhet, the Revue's version of his name was only a letter away from an unwanted

commercial pun: Faubet being the name of a grocer in the rue Richelieu, just opposite the

 


 

Comédie-Française. 'Even before I've appeared, they skin me alive.'

 

I like these out-of-season crossings. When you're young you prefer the vulgar months, the

fullness of the seasons. As you grow older you learn to like the in-between times, the

months that can't make up their minds. Perhaps it's a way of admitting that things can't

ever bear the same certainty again. Or perhaps it's just a way of admitting a preference for

empty ferries.

 

There can't be more than half a dozen people in the bar. One of them is stretched out on a

banquette; the lulling rattle of the tables is coaxing its first snore from him. At this time

of the year there are no school parties; the video games, disco and cinema are silent; even

the barman chats.

 

This is the third time I've made the trip in a year. November, March, November. Just for a

couple of nights in Dieppe: though I sometimes take the car and get down to Rouen. It's

not long, but it's enough to make the change. It is a change. The light over the Channel,

for instance, looks quite different from the French side: clearer, yet more volatile. The

sky is a theatre of possibilities. I'm not romanticising. Go into the art galleries along the

Normandy coast and you'll see what the local painters liked to paint, over and over again:

the view north. A strip of beach, the sea, and the eventful sky. English painters never did

the same, clustering at Hastings or Margate or Eastbourne to gaze out at a grumpy,

monotonous Channel.

 

I don't just go for the light. I go for those things you forget about until you see them

again. The way they butcher meat. The seriousness of their pharmacies. The behaviour of

their children in restaurants. The road signs (France is the only country I know where

drivers are warned about beetroot on the road: BETTERAVES, I once saw in a red

warning triangle, with a picture of a car slipping out of control). Beaux-arts town halls.

Wine-tasting in smelly chalk-caves by the side of the road. I could go on, but that's

enough, or I'll soon be babbling about lime trees and petanque and eating bread dipped in

rough red wine—what they call la soupe à perroquet, parrot soup. Everyone has a private

list, and those of other people quickly appear vain and sentimental. I read a list the other

day headed 'What I Like'. It went: 'Salad, cinnamon, cheese, pimento, marzipan, the smell

of new-cut hay [would you read on?]…roses, peonies, lavender, champagne, loosely held

political convictions, Glenn Gould…' The list, which is by Roland Barthes, continues, as

lists do. One item you approve, the next stirs irritation. After 'Medoc wine' and 'having

change', Barthes approves of 'Bouvard et Pécuchet'. Good; fine; we'll read on. What's

next? 'Walking in sandals on the lanes of south-west France.' It's enough to make you

drive all the way to south-west France and strew some beetroot on the lanes.

 

My list mentions pharmacies. They always seem more singleminded in France. They

don't stock beachballs or colour film or snorkelling equipment or burglar alarms. The

assistants know what they are doing, and never try to sell you barley sugar on the way

out. I find myself deferring to them as if they were consultants.

 

My wife and I once went into a pharmacie in Montauban and requested a packet of

bandages. What was it for, they asked. Ellen tapped her heel, where the strap of a new

pair of sandals had rubbed up a blister. The pharmacien came out from behind his

 


 

counter, sat her down, removed her sandal with the tenderness of a foot-fetishist,

examined her heel, cleaned it with a piece of gauze, stood up, turned to me gravely, as if

there were something which really ought to be kept from my wife, and quietly explained,

'That, Monsieur, is a blister.' The spirit of Homais still reigns, I thought, as he sold us a

packet of bandages.

 

The spirit of Homais: progress, rationalism, science, fraud. 'We must march with the

century' are almost his first words; and he marches all the way to the Légion d'honneur.

When Emma Bovary dies, her body is watched over by two people: the priest, and

Homais the pharmacien. Representing the old orthodoxy and the new. It's like some piece

of nineteenth-century allegorical sculpture: Religion and Science Watching Together

over the Body of Sin. From a painting by G. F. Watts. Except that both the cleric and the

man of science manage to fall asleep over the body. United at first only by philosophic

error, they quickly establish the deeper unity of joint snorers.

 

Flaubert didn't believe in progress: especially not in moral progress, which is all that

matters. The age he lived in was stupid; the new age, brought in by the Franco-Prussian

war, would be even stupider. Of course some things would change: the spirit of Homais

was winning. Soon everybody with a club foot would be entitled to a misconceived

operation which would lead to an amputated leg; but what did that signify? 'The whole

dream of democracy,' he wrote, 'is to raise the proletariat to the level of stupidity attained

by the bourgeoisie.'

 

That line often makes people edgy. Isn't it perfectly fair? Over the last hundred years the

proletariat has schooled itself in the pretensions of the bourgeoisie; while the bourgeoisie,

less confident of its ascendancy, has become more sly and deceitful. Is this progress?

Study a packed cross-Channel ferry if you want to see a modern ship of fools. There they

all are: working out the profit on their duty-free; having more drinks at the bar than they

want; playing the fruit machines; aimlessly circling the deck; making up their minds how

honest to be at customs; waiting for the next order from the ship's crew as if the crossing

of the Red Sea depended on it. I do not criticise, I merely observe; and I'm not sure what I

would think if everyone lined the rail to admire the play of light on the water and started

discussing Boudin. I am no different, by the way: I stock up on duty-free and await orders

like the rest of them. My point is merely this: Flaubert was right.

 

The fat lorry-driver on the banquette is snoring like a pasha. I've fetched myself another

whisky; I hope you don't mind. Just getting braced to tell you about…what? about

whom? Three stories contend within me. One about Flaubert, one about Ellen, one about

myself. My own is the simplest of the three—it hardly amounts to more than a

convincing proof of my existence—and yet I find it the hardest to begin. My wife's is

more complicated, and more urgent; yet I resist that too. Keeping the best for last, as I

was saying earlier? I don't think so; rather the opposite, if anything. But by the time I tell

you her story I want you to be prepared: that's to say, I want you to have had enough of

books, and parrots, and lost letters, and bears, and the opinions of Dr Enid Starkie, and

even the opinions of Dr Geoffrey Braithwaite. Books are not life, however much we

might prefer it if they were. Ellen's is a true story; perhaps it is even the reason why I am

telling you Flaubert's story instead.

 


 

You expect something from me too, don't you? It's like that nowadays. People assume

they own part of you, on no matter how small an acquaintance; while if you are reckless

enough to write a book, this puts your bank account, your medical records, and the state

of your marriage irrevocably into the public domain. Flaubert disapproved. 'The artist

must manage to make posterity believe that he never existed.' For the religious, death

destroys the body and liberates the spirit; for the artist, death destroys the personality and

liberates the work. That's the theory, anyway. Of course, it frequently goes wrong. Look

what happened to Flaubert: a century after his death Sartre, like some brawny, desperate

lifeguard, spent ten years beating on his chest and blowing into his mouth; ten years

trying to yank him back to consciousness, just so that he could sit him up on the sands

and tell him exactly what he thought of him.

 

And what do people think of him now? How do they think of him? As a bald man with a

drooping moustache; as the hermit of Croisset, the man who said 'Madame Bovary, c'est

moi'; as the incorrigible aesthete, the bourgeois bourgeoisophobe? Confident scraps of

wisdom, hand-me-down summaries for those in a hurry. Flaubert would hardly have been

surprised at the lazy rush to understand. It was an impulse out of which he made a whole

book (or at least a whole appendix): the Dictionnaire des idées reçues.

 

At the simplest level, his Dictionary is a catalogue of clichés (DOG: Especially created to

save its master's life. A dog is man's best friend) and cod definitions (CRAYFISH:

Female of the lobster). Beyond this it's a handbook of fake advice, both social (LIGHT:

Always say Fiat lux! when lighting a candle) and aesthetic (RAILWAY STATIONS:

Always go into ecstasies about them; cite them as models of architecture). At some times

the manner is sly and teasing, at others so challengingly straight-faced that you find

yourself half-believing it (MACARONI: When prepared in the Italian style, is served

with the fingers). It reads like a confirmation present specially written by a malicious,

rakehell uncle for a serious-minded adolescent with ambitions to get on in society. Study

it carefully and you would never say anything wrong, while never getting anything right

(HALBERD: When you see a heavy cloud, never fail to say: 'It's going to rain halberds.'

In Switzerland, all the men carry halberds. ABSINTHE: Extremely violent poison: a

single glass and you're dead. Always drunk by journalists while writing their articles.

Has killed more soldiers than the Bedouin).

 

Flaubert's dictionary offers a course in irony: from entry to entry, you can see him

applying it in various thicknesses, like a cross-Channel painter darkening the sky with

another wash. It tempts me to write a Dictionary of Accepted Ideas about Gustave

himself. Just a short one: a booby-trapped pocket guide; something straight-faced yet

misleading. The received wisdom in pellet form, with some of the pellets poisoned. This

is the attraction, and also the danger, of irony: the way it permits a writer to be seemingly

absent from his work, yet in fact hintingly present. You can have your cake and eat it; the

only trouble is, you get fat.

 

What might we say of Flaubert in this new Dictionary? We might set him down, perhaps,

as a 'bourgeois individualist'; yes, that sounds smug enough, dishonest enough. It's a

characterisation which always remains unshaken by the fact that Flaubert loathed the

bourgeoisie. And how about 'individualist', or its equivalent? 'In the ideal I have of Art, I

think that one must not show one's own, and that the artist must no more appear in his

 


 

work than God does in nature. Man is nothing, the work of art everything…It would be

very pleasant for me to say what I think and relieve Monsieur Gustave Flaubert's feelings

by means of such utterances; but what is the importance of the said gentleman?'

 

This demand for authorial absence ran deeper still. Some writers ostensibly agree with

the principle, yet sneak in at the back door and cosh the reader with a highly personal

style. The murder is perfectly executed, except that the baseball bat left at the scene of the

crime is sticky with fingerprints. Flaubert is different. He believed in style; more than

anyone. He worked doggedly for beauty, sonority, exactness; perfection—but never the

monogrammed perfection of a writer like Wilde. Style is a function of theme. Style is not

imposed on subject-matter, but arises from it. Style is truth to thought. The correct word,

the true phrase, the perfect sentence are always 'out there' somewhere; the writer's task is

to locate them by whatever means he can. For some this means no more than a trip to the

supermarket and a loading-up of the metal basket; for others it means being lost on a

plain in Greece, in the dark, in snow, in the rain, and finding what you seek only by some

rare trick such as barking like a dog.

 

In our pragmatic and knowing century we probably find such ambition a little provincial

(well, Turgenev did call Flaubert naïve). We no longer believe that language and reality

'match up' so congruently—indeed, we probably think that words give birth to things as

much as things give birth to words. But if we find Flaubert naïve or—more likely—

unsuccessful, we shouldn't patronise his seriousness or his bold loneliness. This was, after

all, the century of Balzac and of Hugo, with orchidaceous Romanticism at one end of it

and gnomic Symbolism at the other. Flaubert's planned invisibility in a century of

babbling personalities and shrieking styles might be characterised in one oftwo ways: as

classical, or modem. Looking back to the seventeenth century, or forward to the late

twentieth century. Contemporary critics who pompously reclassify all novels and plays

and poems as texts—the author to the guillotine!—shouldn't skip lightly over Flaubert. A

century before them he was preparing texts and denying the significance of his own

personality.

 

'The author in his book must be like God in his universe, everywhere present and

nowhere visible.' Of course, this has been keenly misread in our century. Look at Sartre

and Camus. God is dead, they told us, and therefore so is the God-like novelist.

Omniscience is impossible, man's knowledge is partial, therefore the novel itself must be

partial. That sounds not just splendid, but logical as well. But is it either? The novel, after

all, didn't arise when belief in God arose; nor, for that matter, is there much correlation

between those novelists who believed most strongly in the omniscient narrator and those

who believed most strongly in the omniscient creator. I cite George Eliot alongside

Flaubert.

 

More to the point, the assumed divinity of the nineteenth-century novelist was only ever a

technical device; and the partiality of the modem novelist is just as much a ploy. When a

contemporary narrator hesitates, claims uncertainty, misunderstands, plays games and

falls into error, does the reader in fact conclude that reality is being more authentically

rendered? When the writer provides two different endings to his novel (why two? why

not a hundred?), does the reader seriously imagine he is being 'offered a choice' and that

the work is reflecting life's variable outcomes? Such a 'choice' is never real, because the

 


 

reader is obliged to consume both endings. In life, we make a decision—or a decision

makes us—and we go one way; had we made a different decision (as I once told my wife;

though I don't think she was in a condition to appreciate my wisdom), we would have

been elsewhere. The novel with two endings doesn't reproduce this reality: it merely

takes us down two diverging paths. It's a form of cubism, I suppose. And that's all right;

but let's not deceive ourselves about the artifice involved.

 

After all, if novelists truly wanted to simulate the delta of life's possibilities, this is what

they'd do. At the back of the book would be a set of sealed envelopes in various colours.

Each would be clearly marked on the outside: Traditional Happy Ending; Traditional

Unhappy Ending; Traditional Half-and-Half Ending; Deus ex Machina; Modernist

Arbitrary Ending; End of the World Ending; Cliffhanger Ending; Dream Ending; Opaque

Ending; Surrealist Ending; and so on. You would be allowed only one, and would have to

destroy the envelopes you didn't select. That's what I call offering the reader a choice of

endings; but you may find me quite unreasonably literal-minded.

 

As for the hesitating narrator—look, I'm afraid you've run into one right now. It might be

because I'm English. You'd guessed that, at least—that I'm English? I…I…Look at that

seagull up there. I hadn't spotted him before. Slipstreaming away, waiting for the bits of

gristle from the sandwiches. Listen, I hope you won't think this rude, but I really must

take a turn on deck; it's becoming quite stuffy in the bar here. Why don't we meet on the

boat back instead? The two o'clock ferry, Thursday? I'm sure I'll feel more like it then.

All right? What? No, you can't come on deck with me. For God's sake. Besides, I'm going

to the lavatory first. I can't have you following me in there, peering round from the next

stall.

 

I apologise; I didn't mean that. Two o'clock, in the bar, as the ferry sails? Oh, and one last

word. The cheese shop in the Grande Rue: don't miss it. I think the name's Leroux. I

suggest you get a Brillat-Savarin. You won't get a good one in England unless you bring

it back yourself. They're kept too cold, or they have chemicals injected into them to delay

the ripening, or something. That is, if you like cheese…

 

How do we seize the past? How do we seize the foreign past? We read, we learn, we ask,

we remember, we are humble; and then a casual detail shifts everything. Flaubert was a

giant; they all said so. He towered over everybody like a strapping Gallic chieftain. And

yet he was only six feet tall: we have this on his own authority. Tall, but not gigantic;

shorter than I am, in fact, and when I am in France I never find myself towering over

people like a Gallic chieftain.

 

So Gustave was a six-foot giant, and the world shrinks just a little with that knowledge.

The giants were not so tall (were the dwarfs therefore shorter too?). The fat men: were

they less fat because they were smaller, and so you needed less stomach to appear fat; or

were they more fat, because they developed the same stomachs, but had even less frame

to support them? How can we know such trivial, crucial details? We can study files for

decades, but every so often we are tempted to throw up our hands and declare that history

is merely another literary genre: the past is autobiographical fiction pretending to be a

parliamentary report.

 


 

I have a small watercolour of Rouen on my wall by Arthur Frederick Payne (born

Newarke, Leicester, 1831, working 1849-84). It shows the city from Bonsecours

churchyard: the bridges, the spires, the river bending away past Croisset. It was painted

on May 4th, 1856. Flaubert finished Madame Bovary on April 30th, 1856: there at

Croisset, there where I can jab my finger, between two spreading and unknowing

sploshes of watercolour. So near and yet so far. Is this history, then—a swift, confident

amateur's watercolour?

 

I'm not sure what I believe about the past. I just want to know if fat people were fatter

then. And were mad people madder? There was a lunatic called Mirabeau in the Rouen

asylum who was popular with doctors and medical students at the Hôtel-Dieu because of

a particular talent: in exchange for a cup of coffee he would copulate on the dissecting

table with a female corpse. (Does the cup of coffee make him more, or less, mad?) One

day, however, Mirabeau was to prove a coward: Flaubert reports that he funked his task

when faced with a woman who had been guillotined. No doubt they offered him two cups

of coffee, extra sugar, a slug of cognac? (And does this prove him saner, or madder, this

need for a face, however dead?)

 

Nowadays we aren't allowed to use the word mad. What lunacy. The few psychiatrists I

respect always talk about people being mad. Use the short, simple, true words. Dead, I

say, and dying, and mad, and adultery. I don't say passed on, or slipping away, or

terminal (oh, he's terminal? Which one? Euston, St Pancras, the Gare St Lazare?), or

personality disorder, or fooling around, bit on the side, well she's away a lot visiting her

sister. I say mad and adultery, that's what I say. Mad has the right sound to it. It's an

ordinary word, a word which tells us how lunacy might come and call like a delivery van.

Terrible things are also ordinary. Do you know what Nabokov said about adultery in his

lecture on Madame Bovary? He said it was 'a most conventional way to rise above the

conventional'.

 

Any history of adultery would doubtless quote Emma's seduction in that careering cab:

it's probably the most famous act of infidelity in the whole of nineteenth-century fiction.

Easy enough for the reader to imagine such a precisely described scene, and to get it

right, you'd think. Yes indeed. But still easy enough to get it just a tiny bit wrong. I cite

 

G. M. Musgrave, sketcher, traveller, memoirist, and vicar of Borden, Kent: author of The

Parson, Pen and Pencil, or, Reminiscences and Illustrations of an Excursion to Paris,

Tours, and Rouen, in the Summer of 1847; with a few Memoranda on French Farming

(Richard Bentley, London, 1848) and of A Ramble Through Normandy, or, Scenes,

Characters and Incidents in a Sketching Excursion Through Calvados (David Bogue,

London, 185S). On page 522 of the latter work the Reverend Musgrave is visiting

Rouen—'the Manchester of France', he calls it—at a time when Flaubert is still flailing

away at his Bovary. His account of the city includes the following aside:

I was mentioning, just now, the cab-stand. The carriages stationed there are the most

dumpy vehicles, I conceive, of their kind, in Europe. I could with ease place my arm on

the roof as I stood by one of them in the road. They are well-built, neat, and cleanly little

chariots, with two good lamps; and 'cut' about the streets like Tom Thumb's coach.

 

So our view suddenly lurches: the famous seduction would have been even more

cramped, and even less romantic, than we might previously have assumed. This piece of

 


 

information is, as far as I am aware, hitherto unrecorded in the extensive annotations

which have been inflicted on the novel; and I herewith offer it in a spirit of humility for

use by professional scholars.

 

The tall, the fat, the mad. And then there are the colours. When he was researching for

Madame Bovary, Flaubert spent a whole afternoon examining the countryside through

pieces of coloured glass. Would he have seen what we now see? Presumably. But what

about this: in 1853, at Trouville, he watched the sun go down over the sea, and declared

that it resembled a large disc of redcurrant jam. Vivid enough. But was redcurrant jam the

same colour in Normandy in 1853 as it is now? (Would any pots of it have survived, so

that we could check? And how would we know the colour had remained the same in the

intervening years?) It's the sort of thing you fret about. I decided to write to the Grocers'

Company about the matter. Unlike some of my other correspondents, they replied

promptly. They were also reassuring: redcurrant jam is one of the purest jams, they said,

and though an 1853 Rouennais pot might not have been quite so clear as a modern one

because of the use of unrefined sugar, the colour would have been almost exactly the

same. So at least that's all right: now we can go ahead and confidently imagine the sunset.

But you see what I mean? (As for my other questions: a pot of the jam could indeed have

survived until now, but would almost certainly have turned brown, unless kept

completely sealed in a dry, airy, pitch-dark room.)

 

The Reverend George M. Musgrave was a digressive but observant fellow. He was more

than a little inclined to pomposity ('I am bound to speak in terms of high eulogium on the

subject of Rouen's literary reputation'), but his fussiness over detail makes him a useful

informant. He notes the French love of leeks and the French abhorrence of rain. He

interrogates everyone: a Rouen merchant who amazes him by not having heard of mint

sauce, and a canon of Evreux who informs him that in France the men read too much,

while the women read next to nothing (O rarer still Emma Bovary!). While in Rouen he

visits the Cimetière Monumental the year after Gustave's father and sister were buried

there, and approves its innovative policy of allowing families to buy freehold plots.

Elsewhere, he investigates a fertiliser factory, the Bayeux tapestry, and the lunatic asylum

at Caen where Beau Brummell died in 1840 (was Brummell mad? The attendants

remembered him well: un bon enfant, they said, drank only barley water mixed with a

very little wine).

 

Musgrave also went to the fair at Guibray, and there among the freak shows was The

Largest Fat Boy in France: Aimable Jouvin, born at Herblay in 1840, now aged fourteen,

admission a penny farthing. How fat was the fat boy? Our rambling sketcher didn't, alas,

go in himself and record the young phenomenon with his pencil; but he waited while a

French cavalryman paid his penny farthing, entered the caravan, and emerged mouthing

'some very choice Norman phraseology'. Though Musgrave did not bring himself to ask

the soldier what he had seen, his impression was 'that Aimable had not been fattened up

to the mark of the visitor's large expectations'.

 

At Caen Musgrave went to a regatta, where seven thousand spectators lined the dockside.

Most of them were men, and most of these were peasants wearing their best blue blouses.

The mass effect was of a light but most brilliant ultramarine. It was a particular, exact

colour; Musgrave had seen it only once before, in a special department of the Bank of

 


 

England where they incinerated notes which had been taken out of circulation. Banknote

paper was then prepared with a colouring agent made from cobalt, silex, salt and potash:

if you set light to a bundle of money, the cinder would take on the extraordinary tint that

Musgrave saw on the Caen dockside. The colour of France.

 

As he travelled on, this colour and its cruder associates became more apparent. The men's

blouses and hose were blue; three-quarters of the women's gowns were blue. The horses'

housings and collar-decorations were blue; so were the carts, the name-boards of the

villages, the agricultural implements, wheelbarrows and waterbutts. In many of the towns

the houses displayed the cerulean hue, both inside and out. Musgrave found himself

compelled to remark to a Frenchman he met that 'there was more blue in his country than

in any region of the world with which I was acquainted.'

 

We look at the sun through smoked glass; we must look at the past through coloured

glass.

 

Thank you. Santé. You got your cheese, I hope? You won't mind a word of advice? Eat it.

Don't put it in a plastic bag in the fridge and save it for visitors; before you know where

you are it'll have swollen to three times its size and smell like a chemical factory. You'll

open the bag and be putting your face into a bad marriage.

 

'Giving the public details about oneself is a bourgeois temptation that I have always

resisted' (1879). But here goes. You know my name of course: Geoffrey Braithwaite.

Don't miss out the l or you'll start turning me into a Parisian grocer. No; just my joke.

Look. You know those personal advertisements in magazines like the New Statesman? I

thought I might do it like that.

 

60+ widowed doctor, children grown up, active, cheerful if inclined to melancholy,

kindly, non-smoker, amateur Flaubert scholar, likes reading, food, travel to familiar

places, old films, has friends, but seeks…

 

You see the problem. But seeks… Do I? What do I seek? A tender fortyish div or wid for

companionship stroke marriage? No. Mature lady for country walks, occasional dining?

No. Bisexual couple for gleesome threesomes? Certainly not. I always read those pining

paragraphs in the back of magazines, though I never feel like replying; and I've just

realised why. Because I don't believe any of them. They aren't lying—indeed, they're all

trying to be utterly sincere—but they aren't telling the truth. The column distorts the way

the advertisers describe themselves. No one would think of himself as an active nonsmoker

inclined to melancholy if that wasn't encouraged, even demanded, by the form.

Two conclusions: first, that you can't define yourself directly, just by looking face-on into

the mirror; and second, that Flaubert was, as always, right. Style does arise from subjectmatter.

Try as they might, those advertisers are always beaten down by the form; they are

forced—even at the one time they need to be candidly personal—into an unwished

impersonality.

 

You can see, at least, the colour of my eyes. Not as complicated as Emma Bovary's, are

they? But do they help you? They might mislead. I'm not being coy; I'm trying to be

useful. Do you know the colour of Flaubert's eyes? No, you don't: for the simple reason

 


 

that I suppressed it a few pages ago. I didn't want you to be tempted by cheap

conclusions. See how carefully I look after you. You don't like it? I know you don't like

it. All right. Well, according to Du Camp, Gustave the Gallic chieftain, the six-foot giant

with a voice like a trumpet, had 'large eyes as grey as the sea'.

 

I was reading Mauriac the other day: the Mémoires intérieurs, written at the very end of

his life. It's the time when the final pellets of vanity accumulate into a cyst, when the self

starts up its last pathetic murmur of 'Remember me, remember me…'; it's the time when

the autobiographies get written, the last boasts are made, and the memories which no one

else's brain still holds are written down with a false idea of value.

 

But that's just what Mauriac declines to do. He writes his 'Mémoires', but they aren't his

memoirs. We are spared the counting-games and spelling-bees of childhood, that first

servant-girl in the humid attic, the canny uncle with metal teeth and a headful of stories—

or whatever. Instead, Mauriac tells us about the books he's read, the painters he's liked,

the plays he's seen. He finds himself by looking in the works of others. He defines his

own faith by a passionate anger against Gide the Luciferian. Reading his 'memoirs' is like

meeting a man on a train who says, 'Don't look at me, that's misleading. If you want to

know what I'm like, wait until we're in a tunnel, and then study my reflection in the

window.' You wait, and look, and catch a face against a shifting background of sooty

walls, cables and sudden brickwork. The transparent shape flickers and jumps, always a

few feet away. You become accustomed to its existence, you move with its movements;

and though you know its presence is conditional, you feel it to be permanent. Then there

is a wail from ahead, a roar and a burst of light; the face is gone for ever.

 

Well, you know I've got brown eyes; make of that what you will. Six foot one; grey hair;

good health. But what matters about me? Only what I know, what I believe, what I can

tell you. Nothing much about my character matters. No, that's not true. I'm honest, I'd

better tell you that. I'm aiming to tell the truth; though mistakes are, I suppose, inevitable.

And if I make them, at least I'm in good company. The Times, in its obituary column,

May 10th, 1880, claims that Flaubert wrote a book called Bouvard et Peluchet, and that

he 'at first adopted his father's profession—that of surgeon'. My Encyclopaedia

Britannica, eleventh edition (the best, they say), suggests that Charles Bovary is a portrait

of the novelist's father. The author of this article, a certain 'E.G.', turns out to have been

Edmund Gosse. I snorted a bit when I read that. I have a little less time for 'Mr' Gosse

since my encounter with Ed Winterton.

 

I'm honest, I'm reliable. When I was a doctor I never killed a single patient, which is

more of a boast than you might imagine. People trusted me; they kept coming back, at

any rate. And I was good with the dying. I never got drunk—that is, I never got too

drunk; I never wrote prescriptions for imaginary patients; I never made advances to

women in my surgery. I sound like a plaster saint. I'm not.

 

No, I didn't kill my wife. I might have known you'd think that. First you find out that

she's dead; then, a while later, I say that I never killed a single patient. Aha, who did you

kill, then? The question no doubt appears logical. How easy it is to set off speculation.

There was a man called Ledoux who maliciously claimed that Flaubert had committed

suicide; he wasted a lot of people's time. I'll tell you about him later. But it all goes to

 


 

prove my point: what knowledge is useful, what knowledge is true? Either I have to give

you so much information about myself that you are forced to admit that I could no more

have killed my wife than Flaubert could have committed suicide; or else I merely say,

That's all, that's enough. No more. J'y suis, j'y reste.

 

I could play the Mauriac game, perhaps. Tell you how I brought myself up on Wells,

Huxley and Shaw; how I prefer George Eliot and even Thackeray to Dickens; how I like

Orwell, Hardy and Housman, and dislike the Auden-Spender-Isherwood crew (preaching

socialism as a sideshoot of homosexual law reform); how I'm saving Virginia Woolf for

when I'm dead. The younger fellows? Today's fellows? Well, they each seem to do one

thing well enough, but fail to realise that literature depends on doing several things well

at the same time. I could go on at great length on all these topics; it would be very

pleasant for me to say what I think and relieve Monsieur Geoffrey Braithwaite's feelings

by means of such utterances. But what is the importance of the said gentleman?

 

I'd rather play a different version. Some Italian once wrote that the critic secretly wants to

kill the writer. Is that true? Up to a point. We all hate golden eggs. Bloody golden eggs

again, you can hear the critics mutter as a good novelist produces yet another good novel;

haven't we had enough omelettes this year?

 

But if not that, then many critics would like to be dictators of literature, to regulate the

past, and to set out with quiet authority the future direction of the art. This month,

everyone must write about this; next month, nobody is allowed to write about that. Soand-

so will not be reprinted until we say so. All copies of this seductively bad novel must

be destroyed at once. (You think I am joking? In March 1983, the newspaper Libération

urged that the French Minister for Women's Rights should put on her Index for 'public

provocation to sexist hatred' the following works: Pantagruel, Jude the Obscure,

Baudelaire's poems, all Kafka, The Snows of Kilimanjaro—and Madame Bovary.) Still,

let's play. I'll go first.

 

1. There shall be no more novels in which a group of people, isolated by circumstances,

revert to the 'natural condition' of man, become essential, poor, bare, forked creatures. All

that may be written is one short story, the final one of the genre, the cork in the bottle. I'll

write it for you. A group of travellers are shipwrecked, or airwrecked, somewhere, no

doubt on an island. One of them, a large, powerful, dislikeable man, has a gun. He forces

all the others to live in a sandpit of their own digging. Every so often, he takes one of his

prisoners out, shoots him or her, and eats the carcass. The food tastes good, and he grows

fat. When he has shot and eaten his final prisoner, he begins to worry what he will do for

food; but fortunately a seaplane arrives at this point and rescues him. He tells the world

that he was the sole survivor of the original wreck, and that he has sustained himself by

eating berries, leaves and roots. The world marvels at his fine physical condition, and a

poster bearing his photograph is displayed in the windows of vegetarian food shops. He is

never found out.

You see how easy it is to write, how much fun it is? That's why I'd ban the genre.

 

2. There shall be no more novels about incest. No, not even ones in very bad taste.


 

3. No novels set in abattoirs. This is, I admit, a rather small genre at the moment; but I

have recently noticed increasing use of the abattoir in short stories. It must be nipped in

the bud.

4. There is to be a twenty-year ban on novels set in Oxford or Cambridge, and a ten-year

ban on other university fiction. No ban on fiction set in polytechnics (though no subsidy

to encourage it). No ban on novels set in primary schools; a ten-year ban on secondaryschool

fiction. A partial ban on growing-up novels (one per author allowed). A partial

ban on novels written in the historic present (again, one per author). A total ban on novels

in which the main character is a journalist or a television presenter.

5. A quota system is to be introduced on fiction set in South America. The intention is to

curb the spread of package-tour baroque and heavy irony. Ah, the propinquity of cheap

life and expensive principles, of religion and banditry, of surprising honour and random

cruelty. Ah, the daiquiri bird which incubates its eggs on the wing; ah, the fredonna tree

whose roots grow at the tips of its branches, and whose fibres assist the hunchback to

impregnate by telepathy the haughty wife of the hacienda owner; ah, the opera house now

overgrown by jungle. Permit me to rap on the table and murmur 'Pass!' Novels set in the

Arctic and the Antarctic will receive a development grant.

6a. No scenes in which carnal connection takes place between a human being and an

animal. The woman and the porpoise, for instance, whose tender coupling symbolises a

wider mending of those gossamer threads which formerly bound the world together in

peaceable companionship. No, none of that.

 

6b. No scenes in which carnal connection takes place between man and woman

(porpoise-like, you might say) in the shower. My reasons are primarily aesthetic, but also

medical.

 

7. No novels about small, hitherto forgotten wars in distant parts of the British Empire, in

the painstaking course of which we learn, first, that the British are averagely wicked and,

second, that war is very nasty indeed.

8. No novels in which the narrator, or any of the characters, is identified simply by an

initial letter. Still they go on doing it!

9. There shall be no more novels which are really about other novels. No 'modern

versions', reworkings, sequels or prequels. No imaginative completions of works left

unfinished on their author's death. Instead, every writer is to be issued with a sampler in

coloured wools to hang over the fireplace. It reads: Knit Your Own Stuff.

10. There shall be a twenty-year ban on God; or rather, on the allegorical, metaphorical,

allusive, offstage, imprecise and ambiguous uses of God. The bearded head gardener who

is always tending the apple tree; the wise old sea-captain who never rushes to judgment;

the character you're not quite introduced to, but who is giving you a creepy feeling by

Chapter Four…pack them off into storage, all of them. God is permitted only as a

verifiable divinity who gets extremely cross at man's transgressions.

So how do we seize the past? As it recedes, does it come into focus? Some think so. We

 


 

know more, we discover extra documents, we use infra-red light to pierce erasures in the

correspondence, and we are free of contemporary prejudice; so we understand better. Is

that it? I wonder. Take Gustave's sex-life. For years it was assumed that the bear of

Croisset broke out of his bearishness solely with Louise Colet—'The only sentimental

episode of any importance in the life of Flaubert,' Emile Faguet declared. But then Elisa

Schlesinger is discovered—the bricked-up royal chamber in Gustave's heart, the slowburning

fire, the adolescent passion never consummated. Next, more letters come into

view, and the Egyptian journals. The life begins to reek of actresses; the bedding of

Bouilhet is announced; Flaubert himself admits a taste for Cairo bath-house boys. At last

we see the whole shape of his carnality; he is ambi-sexual, omni-experienced.

 

But not so fast. Sartre decrees that Gustave was never homosexual; merely passive and

feminine in his psychology. The byplay with Bouilhet was just teasing, the outer edge of

vivid male friendship: Gustave never committed a single homosexual act in all his life.

He says he did, but that was boastful invention: Bouilhet asked for salacities from Cairo,

and Flaubert provided them. (Are we convinced by this? Sartre accuses Flaubert of

wishful thinking. Might we not accuse Sartre of the same? Wouldn't he prefer Flaubert

the trembling bourgeois, joking on the edge of a sin he fears to commit, rather than

Flaubert the daredevil, the subversive indulger?) And in the meantime, we are also being

encouraged to shift our view of Mme Schlesinger. Current belief among Flaubertistes is

that the relationship was consummated after all: either in 1848 or, more probably, in the

early months of 1843

 

The past is a distant, receding coastline, and we are all in the same boat. Along the stern

rail there is a line of telescopes; each brings the shore into focus at a given distance. If the

boat is becalmed, one of the telescopes will be in continual use; it will seem to tell the

whole, the unchanging truth. But this is an illusion; and as the boat sets off again, we

return to our normal activity: scurrying from one tele scope to another, seeing the

sharpness fade in one, waiting for the blur to clear in another. And when the blur does

clear, we imagine that we have made it do so all by ourselves.

 

Isn't the sea calmer than the other day? And heading north—the light that Boudin saw.

What does this journey seem like to those who aren't British—as they head towards the

land of embarrassment and breakfast? Do they make nervous jokes about fog and

porridge? Flaubert found London scaring; it was an unhealthy city, he declared, where it

was impossible to find a pot-au-feu. On the other hand, Britain was the home of

Shakespeare, clear thinking and political liberty, the land where Voltaire had been

welcomed and to which Zola would flee.

 

Now what is it? First slum of Europe, one of our poets called it not long ago. First

hypermarket of Europe might be more like it. Voltaire praised our attitude to commerce,

and the lack of snobbery which allowed the younger sons of the gentry to become

businessmen. Now the day-trippers arrive from Holland and Belgium, Germany and

France, excited about the weakness of the pound and eager to get into Marks & Spencer.

Commerce, Voltaire declared, was the base on which the greatness of our nation was

built; now it's all that keeps us from going bankrupt.

 

When I drive off the boat, I always have a desire to go through the Red Channel. I never

 


 

have more than the permitted amount of duty-free goods; I've never imported plants, or

dogs, or drugs, or uncooked meat, or firearms; and yet I constantly find myself wanting to

turn the wheel and head for the Red Channel. It always feels like an admission of failure

to come back from the Continent and have nothing to show for it. Would you read this,

please, sir? Yes. Have you understood it, sir? Yes. Have you anything to declare? Yes, I'd

like to declare a small case of French flu, a dangerous fondness for Flaubert, a childish

delight in French road-signs, and a love of the light as you look north. Is there any duty to

pay on any of these? There ought to be.

 

Oh, and I've got this cheese, too. A Brillat-Savarin. That fellow behind me has got one

too. I told him you always had to declare your cheese at customs. Say cheese.

 

I hope you don't think I'm being enigmatic, by the way. If I'm irritating, it's probably

because I'm embarrassed; I told you I don't like the full face. But I really am trying to

make things easier for you. Mystification is simple; clarity is the hardest thing of all. Not

writing a tune is easier than writing one. Not rhyming is easier than rhyming. I don't

mean art should be as clear as the instructions on a packet of seeds; I'm saying that you

trust the mystifier more if you know he's deliberately choosing not to be lucid. You trust

Picasso all the way because he could draw like Ingres.

 

But what helps? What do we need to know? Not everything. Everything confuses.

Directness also confuses. The full-face portrait staring back at you hypnotises. Flaubert is

usually looking away in his portraits and photographs. He's looking away so that you

can't catch his eye; he's also looking away because what he can see over your shoulder is

more interesting than your shoulder.

 

Directness confuses. I told you my name: Geoffrey Braithwaite. Has that helped? A little;

at least it's better than 'B' or 'G' or 'the man' or 'the amateur of cheeses'. And if you hadn't

seen me, what would you have deduced from the name? Middle-class professional man;

solicitor perhaps; denizen of pine-and-heather country; pepper-and-salt tweeds; a

moustache hinting—perhaps fraudulently—at a military past; a sensible wife; perhaps a

little boating at weekends; more of a gin than a whisky man; and so on?

 

I am—was—a doctor, first-generation professional class; as you see, there's no

moustache, though I have the military past which men of my age couldn't avoid; I live in

Essex, most characterless and therefore most acceptable of the Home Counties; whisky,

not gin; no tweed at all; and no boating. Near enough, and yet not near enough, you see.

As for my wife, she was not sensible. That was one of the last words anyone would apply

to her. They inject soft cheeses, as I said, to stop them ripening too quickly. But they

always do ripen; it's in their nature. Soft cheeses collapse; firm cheeses indurate. Both go

mouldy.

 

I was going to put my photograph in the front of the book. Not vanity; just trying to be

helpful. But I'm afraid it was rather an old photograph, taken about ten years ago. I

haven't got a more recent one. That's something you find: after a certain age, people stop

photographing you. Or rather, they photograph you only on formal occasions: birthdays,

weddings, Christmas. A flushed and jolly character raises his glass among friends and

family—how real, how reliable is that evidence? What would the photos of my twenty

 

 


 

fifth wedding anniversary have revealed? Certainly not the truth; so perhaps it's as well

they were never taken.

 

Flaubert's niece Caroline says that towards the end of his life he regretted not having had

a wife and family. Her account is, however, rather spare. The two of them were walking

by the Seine after a visit to some friends. '"They got it right," he said to me, alluding to

that household with its charming and honest children. "Yes," he repeated to himself

gravely, "they got it right." I did not trouble his thoughts, but remained silent at his side.

This walk was one of our last.'

 

I rather wish she had troubled his thoughts. Did he really mean it? Should we take the

remark as more than the reflex perversity of a man who dreamed of Egypt while in

Normandy, and of Normandy while in Egypt? Was he doing more than praise the

particular talents of the family they had just visited? After all, had he wanted to praise the

institution of marriage itself, he could have turned to his niece and regretted his solitary

life by admitting, 'You got it right.' But he didn't, of course; because she got it wrong. She

married a weakling who turned into a bankrupt, and in helping save her husband she

bankrupted her uncle. The case of Caroline is instructive—gloomily so to Flaubert.

 

Her own father had been as much of a weakling as her husband subsequently became;

Gustave supplanted him. In her Souvenirs intimes Caroline recalls her uncle's return from

Egypt when she was a small girl: he arrives home unexpectedly one evening, wakes her,

picks her up out of bed, bursts out laughing because her nightdress extends far below her

feet, and plants great kisses on her cheeks. He has just come from outdoors: his

moustache is cold, and damp with dew. She is frightened, and much relieved when he

puts her down. What is this but a textbook account of the absent father's alarming return

to the household—the return from the war, from business, from abroad, from

philandering, from danger?

 

He adored her. In London he carried her round the Great Exhibition; this time she was

happy to be in his arms, safe from the frightening crowds. He taught her history: the story

of Pelopidas and Epaminondas; he taught her geography, taking a shovel and pail of

water into the garden, where he would build for her instructive peninsulas, islands, gulfs

and promontories. She loved her childhood with him, and the memory of it survived the

misfortunes of her adult life. In 1930, when she was eighty-four, Caroline met Willa

Cather in Aix-les-Bains, and recalled the hours spent eighty years earlier on a rug in the

corner of Gustave's study: he working, she reading, in strict but proudly observed silence.

'She liked to think, as she lay in her corner, that she was shut in a cage with some

powerful wild animal, a tiger or a lion or a bear, who had devoured his keeper and would

spring upon anyone else who opened his door but with whom she was "quite safe and

conceited", as she said with a chuckle.'

 

But then the necessities of adulthood arrived. He advised her badly, and she married a

weakling. She became a snob; she thought only of smart society; and finally she tried to

turn her uncle out of the very house in which the most useful things she knew had been

inserted into her brain.

 

Epaminondas was a Theban general, held to be living proof of all the virtues; he led a

 


 

career of principled carnage, and founded the city of Megalopolis. As he lay dying, one

of those present lamented his lack of issue. He replied, 'I leave two children, Leuctra and

Mantinea'—the sites of his two most famous victories. Flaubert might have made a

similar avowal—'I leave two children, Bouvard and Pécuchet'—because his only child,

the niece who became a daughter, had departed into disapproving adulthood. To her, and

to her husband, he had become 'the consumer'.

 

Gustave taught Caroline about literature. I quote her: 'He considered no book dangerous

that was well written.' Move forward seventy years or so to a different household in

another part of France. This time there is a bookish boy, a mother, and a friend of the

mother's called Mme Picard. The boy later wrote his memoirs; again, I quote: 'Mme

Picard's opinion was that a child should be allowed to read everything. "No book can be

dangerous if it is well written."' The boy, aware of Mme Picard's frequently expressed

view, deliberately exploits her presence and asks his mother's permission to read a

particular and notorious novel. 'But if my little darling reads books like that at his age,'

says the mother, 'what will he do when he grows up?' 'I shall live them out!' he replies. It

was one of the cleverest retorts of his childhood; it went down in family history, and it

won him—or so we are left to assume—readership of the novel. The boy was Jean-Paul

Sartre. The book was Madame Bovary.

 

Does the world progress? Or does it merely shuttle back and forth like a ferry? An hour

from the English coast and the clear sky disappears. Cloud and rain escort you back to

where you belong. As the weather changes, the boat begins to roll a little, and the tables

in the bar resume their metallic conversation. Rattarattarattaratta, fattafattafattafatta.

Call and response, call and response. Now it sounds to me like the final stages of a

marriage: two separated parties, screwed to their own particular pieces of floor; uttering

routine chatter while the rain begins to fall. My wife…Not now, not now.

 

Pécuchet, during his geological investigations, speculates on what would happen if there

were an earthquake beneath the English Channel. The water, he concludes, would rush

out into the Atlantic; the coasts of England and France would totter, shift and reunite; the

Channel would cease to exist. On hearing his friend's predictions, Bouvard runs away in

terror. For myself, I do not think we need to be quite so pessimistic.

 

You won't forget about the cheese, will you? Don't grow a chemical plant in your fridge.

I didn't ask if you were married. My compliments, or not, as the case may be.

 

I think I shall go through the Red Channel this time. I feel the need for some company.

The Reverend Musgrave's opinion was that French douaniers behaved like gentlemen,

while English customs officers were ruffians. But I find them all quite sympathetic, if you

treat them properly.

 

8: The Train-spotter's Guide to Flaubert

1. The house at Croisset—a long, white, eighteenth-century property on the banks of the

Seine—was perfect for Flaubert. It was isolated, yet close to Rouen and thence to Paris. It

was large enough for him to have a grand study with five windows; yet small enough for

him to discourage visitors without obvious discourtesy. It gave him, too, if he wanted it,


 

an unthreatened view of passing life: from the terrace he could train his opera glasses on

the pleasure-steamers taking Sunday lunchers to La Bouille. For their part, the lunchers

grew accustomed to cet original de Monsieur Flaubert, and were disappointed if they

didn't spot him, in Nubian shirt and silk skullcap, gazing back at them, taking the

novelist's view.

 

Caroline has described the quiet evenings of her childhood at Croisset. It was a curious

menage: the girl, the uncle, the grandmother—a solitary representative of each

generation, like one of those squeezed houses you sometimes see with a single room on

each storey. (The French call such a house un bâton de perroquet, a parrot's perch.) The

three of them, she recalled, would often sit at the balcony of the little pavilion and watch

the confident arrival of the night. On the far bank they might just discern the silhouette of

a straining horse on the tow-path; from nearby they might just hear a discreet splosh as

the eel-fishermen cast off and slipped out into the stream.

 

Why did Dr Flaubert sell his property at Déville to buy this house? Traditionally, as a

refuge for his invalid son, who had just suffered his first attack of epilepsy. But the

property at Déville would have been sold anyway. The Paris-to-Rouen railway was being

extended to Le Havre, and the line cut straight through Dr Flaubert's land; part of it was

to be compulsorily purchased. You could say that Gustave was shepherded into creative

retreat at Croisset by epilepsy. You could also say he was driven there by the railway.

 

2. Gustave belonged to the first railway generation in France; and he hated the invention.

For a start, it was an odious means of transport. 'I get so fed up on a train that after five

minutes I'm howling with boredom. Passengers think it's a neglected dog; not at all, it's

M. Flaubert, sighing.' Secondly, it produced a new figure at the dinner table: the railway

bore. Conversation on the topic gave Flaubert a colique des wagons; in June 1843 he

pronounced the railways to be the third most boring subject imaginable after Mme

Lafarge (an arsenic poisoner) and the death of the Duc d'Orléans (killed in his carriage

the previous year). Louise Colet, striving for modernity in her poem 'La Paysanne',

allowed Jean, her soldier returning from the wars in search of his Jeanneton, to notice the

running smoke of a train. Flaubert cut the line. 'Jean doesn't give a damn about that sort

thing,' he growled, 'and nor do I.'

But he didn't just hate the railway as such; he hated the way it flattered people with the

illusion of progress. What was the point of scientific advance without moral advance?

The railway would merely permit more people to move about, meet and be stupid

together. In one of his earliest letters, written when he was fifteen, he lists the misdeeds

of modern civilisation: 'Railways, poisons, enema pumps, cream tarts, royalty and the

guillotine.' Two years later, in his essay on Rabelais, the list of enemies has altered—all

except the first item: 'Railways, factories, chemists and mathematicians.' He never

changed.

 

3. 'Superior to everything is—Art. A book of poetry is preferable to a railway.'

Intimate Notebook, 1840

 


 

4. The function of the railway in Flaubert's affair with Louise Colet has, to my mind,

been rather underestimated. Consider the mechanics of their relationship. She lived in

Paris, he at Croisset; he wouldn't come to the capital, she wasn't allowed to visit him in

the country. So they would meet approximately half-way, at Mantes. where the Hôtel du

Grand Cerf would allow them a night or two of lurid rapture and false promises.

Afterwards, the following cycle would take place: Louise would assume an early

rendezvous; Gustave would put her off; Louise would plead, grow angry, threaten;

Gustave would reluctantly give in and agree to another meeting. It would last just long

enough to sate his desires and rekindle her expectations. And so this grumbling threelegged

race was run. Did Gustave ever reflect on the fate of an earlier visitor to the town?

It was at the capture of Mantes that William the Conqueror fell from his horse and

received the injury from which he later died in Rouen.

The Paris-to-Rouen railway—built by the English—opened on May 9th, 1843, barely

three years before Gustave and Louise met. The journey to Mantes, for each of them, was

cut from a day to a couple of hours. Imagine what it would have been like without the

railway. They would have travelled by diligence or river-steamer; they would have been

tired and perhaps irritable on seeing one another again. Fatigue affects desire. But in view

of the difficulties, more would have been expected of the occasion: more in time—an

extra day perhaps—and more in emotional commitment. This is just my theory, of

course. But if the telephone in our century has made adultery both simpler and harder

(assignations are easier, but so is checking up), the railway in the last century had a

similar effect. (Has anyone made a comparative study of the spread of railways and the

spread of adultery? I can imagine village priests delivering sermons on the Devil's

invention and being mocked for it; but if they did, they were right.) The railway made it

worth while for Gustave: he could get to Mantes and back without too much trouble; and

Louise's complaints perhaps seemed a reasonable price to pay for such accessible

pleasure. The railway made it worthwhile for Louise: Gustave was never really far away,

however severe he sounded in his letters; the next one would surely say that they could

meet again, that only two hours separated them. And the railway made it worthwhile for

us, who can now read the letters which resulted from that prolonged erotic oscillation.

 

5a. September 1846: the first meeting at Mantes. The only problem was Gustave's

mother. She had not as yet been officially informed of Louise's existence. Indeed, Mme

Colet was obliged to send all her love letters to Gustave via Maxime du Camp, who then

readdressed them in fresh envelopes. How would Mme Flaubert react to Gustave's

sudden nocturnal absence? What could he tell her? A lie, of course: 'une petite histoire

que ma mère a crue,' he boasted, like a proud six-year-old, and set off for Mantes.

 

But Mme Flaubert didn't believe his petite histoire. She slept less that night than Gustave

and Louise did. Something had made her uneasy; perhaps the recent cascade of letters

from Maxime du Camp. So the next morning she went to Rouen station, and when her

son, still wearing a fresh crust of pride and sex, got off the train, she was waiting for him

on the platform. 'She didn't utter any reproach, but her face was the greatest reproach

anyone could make.'

 


 

They talk about the sadness of departure; what about the guilt of arrival?

 

5b. Louise, of course, could play the platform scene as well. Her habit of jealously

bursting in on Gustave when he was dining with friends was notorious. She always

expected to find a rival; but there was no rival, unless you count Emma Bovary. On one

occasion, Du Camp records, 'Flaubert was leaving Paris for Rouen when she entered the

waiting-room of the station and went through such tragic scenes that the railway officials

were obliged to interfere. Flaubert was distressed and begged for mercy, but she gave him

no quarter.'

 

6. It is a little-known fact that Flaubert travelled on the London Underground. I quote

items from his skeleton travel diary of 1867:

Monday 26 June. (on the train from Newhaven). A few insignificant stations with posters,

just as at stations on the outskirts of Paris. Arrival at Victoria.

 

Monday 3 July. Bought a railway timetable.

 

Friday 7 July. Underground railway—Hornsey. Mrs Farmer… To Charing Cross station

for information.

 

He does not deign to compare the British and the French railways. This is perhaps a pity.

Our friend the Reverend G. M. Musgrave, disembarking at Boulogne a dozen years

earlier, was much impressed by the French system: 'The contrivances for receiving,

weighing, marking and paying for luggage were simple and excellent. Regularity,

precision, and punctuality did the work well in every department. Much civility, much

comfort (comfort in France!) made every arrangement pleasurable; and all this without

more vociferation or commotion than prevails at Paddington; to say nothing of the

second-class carriage being nearly equal to our first. Shame to England that it should be

thus!'

 

7. 'RAILWAYS: If Napoleon had had them at his disposition, he would have been

invincible. Always go into ecstasies about their invention, and say: "I, Monsieur, I who

am even now speaking to you, was only this morning at X…; I left by the X-o'clock train;

I did the business I had to do there; and by X-o'clock I was back."'

Dictionnaire de idées reçues

 

8. I took the train from Rouen (Rive Droite). There were blue plastic seats and a warning

in four languages not to lean out of the window; English, I noticed, requires more words

than French, German or Italian to convey this advice. I sat beneath a metal-framed

photograph (black and white) of fishing-boats at the Île d'Oléron. Next to me an elderly

couple were reading a story in Paris-Normandie about a charcutier, fou d'amour, who

had killed a family of seven. On the window was a small sticker I hadn't seen before: 'Ne

jetez pas l'énergie par les fenêtres en les ouvrant en période de chauffage.' Do not throw

energy out of the windows—How un-English the phrasing was; logical yet fanciful at the


 

same time.

 

I was being observant, you see. A single ticket costs 35 francs. The journey takes a

minute or so under the hour: half what it took in Flaubert's day. Oissel is the first stop;

then Le Vaudreuil—ville nouvelle; Gaillon (Aubevoye), with its Grand Marnier

warehouse. Musgrave suggested the scenery along this stretch of the Seine reminded him

of Norfolk: 'More like English scenery than any district I had seen in Europe.' The ticketcollector

raps on the door jamb with his punch: metal on metal, an order you obey.

Vernon; then, on your left, the broad Seine conducts you into Mantes.

 

Six, place de la République was a building site. A square block of flats was almost

finished; already it exhibited the confident innocence of the usurper. The Grand Cerf?

Yes, indeed, they told me at the tabac, the old building had stood until a year or so ago. I

went back and stared again. All that now remained of the hotel was a couple of tall stone

gateposts some thirty feet apart. I gazed at them hopelessly. On the train, I had been

unable to imagine Flaubert (howling like an impatient dog? grumbling? ardent?) making

the same journey; now at this point of pilgrimage, the gateposts were no help in thinking

my way back to the hot reunions of Gustave and Louise. Why should they be? We are too

impertinent with the past, counting on it in this way for a reliablefrisson. Why should it

lay our game?

 

Grumpily I circled the church (Michelin one star), bought a newspaper, drank a cup of

coffee, read about the charcutier, fou d'amour, and decided to take the next train back.

The road leading to the station is called avenue Franklin Roosevelt, though the reality is a

little less grand than the name. Fifty yards from the end, on the left, I came across a caferestaurant.

It was called Le Perroquet. Outside, on the pavement, a fretworked wooden

parrot with garish green plumage was holding the lunch menu in its beak. The building

had one of those brightly timbered exteriors which assert more age than they probably

possess. I don't know if it would have been there in Flaubert's day. But I know this.

Sometimes the past may be a greased pig; sometimes a bear in its den; and sometimes

merely the flash of a parrot, two mocking eyes that spark at you from the forest.

 

9. Trains play little part in Flaubert's fiction. This shows accuracy, however, not

prejudice: most of his work is set before the English navvies and engineers descended on

Normandy. Bouvard et Pécuchet pokes over into the railway age, but neither of his

opinionated copyists, perhaps surprisingly, has a published view on the new mode of

transport.

Trains occur only in L'Education sentimentale. They are first mentioned as a not very

arresting topic of conversation at a soirée given by the Dambreuses. The first real train,

and the first real journey, occur in Part Two, Chapter Three, when Frédéric goes to Creil

in the hope of seducing Mme Arnoux. Given the benign impatience of his traveller,

Flaubert informs the excursion with an approving lyricism: green plains, stations slipping

by like little stage sets, fleecy smoke from the engine dancing briefly on the grass before

dispersing. There are several more railway journeys in the novel, and the passengers

seem happy enough; at least, none of them howls with boredom like a neglected dog.

And though Flaubert aggressively excised from 'La Paysanne' Mme Colet's line about the

 


 

running smoke on the horizon, this doesn't debar from his own countryside (Part Three,

Chapter Four) 'the smoke of a railway engine stretching out in a horizontal line, like a

gigantic ostrich feather whose tip kept blowing away.'

 

We may detect his private opinion only at one point. Pellerin, the artist among Frédéric's

companions, a man who specialises in complete theories and incomplete sketches,

produces one of his rare finished paintings. Flaubert allows himself a private smile: 'It

represented the Republic, or Progress, or Civilisation, in the figure of Jesus Christ,

driving a locomotive through a virgin forest.'

 

10. The penultimate sentence of Gustave's life, uttered as he stood feeling dizzy but not at

all alarmed: 'I think I'm going to have a kind of fainting fit. It's lucky it should happen

today; it would have been a great nuisance tomorrow, in the train.'

11. At the buffers. Croisset today. The vast paper factory was churning away on the site

of Flaubert's house. I wandered inside; they were happy to show me round. I gazed at the

pistons, the steam, the vats and the slopping trays: so much wetness to produce something

as dry as paper. I asked my guide if they made the sort of paper that was used for books;

she said they made every sort of paper. The tour, I realised, would not prove sentimental.

Above our heads a huge drum of paper, some twenty feet wide, was slowly tracking

along on a conveyor. It seemed out of proportion to its surroundings, like a piece of pop

sculpture on a deliberately provoking scale. I remarked that it resembled a gigantic roll of

lavatory paper; my guide confirmed that this was exactly what it was.

Outside the thumping factory things were scarcely quieter. Lorries bullied past on the

road that had once been a tow-path; pile-drivers banged on both sides of the river; no boat

could pass without hooting. Flaubert used to claim that Pascal had once visited the house

at Croisset; and a tenacious local legend maintained that Abbé Prévost wrote Manon

Lescaut there. Nowadays there is no one left to repeat such fictions; and no one to believe

them either.

 

A sullen Normandy rain was falling. I thought of the horse's silhouette on the far bank,

and the quiet splosh as the eel-fishermen cast off. Could even eels live in this cheerless

commercial conduit? If they did, they would probably taste of diesel and detergent. My

eye moved upriver, and suddenly I noticed it, squat and shuddering. A train. I'd seen the

rails before, a set laid between the road and the water; the rain was now making them

glisten and smirk—I'd assumed without thinking that they were for the straddling dock

cranes to run on. But no: he hasn't even been spared this. The swaddled goods train was

drawn up about two hundred yards away, ready to make its run past Flaubert's pavilion. It

would doubtless hoot derisively as it drew level; perhaps it was carrying poisons, enema

pumps and cream tarts, or supplies for chemists and mathematicians. I didn't want to see

the event (irony can be heavy-handed as well as ruthless). I climbed into my car and

drove off.

 

The Flaubert Apocrypha

 

It is not what they built. It is what they knocked down.

 


 

It is not the houses. It is the spaces between the houses.

It is not the streets that exist. It is the streets that no longer exist.

 

 

But it's also what they didn't build. It's the houses they dreamed and sketched. It's the

brusque boulevards of the imagination; it's that untaken, sauntering path between toupeed

cottages; it's the trompe l'oeil cul-de-sac which bluffs you into the belief that you're

entering some smart avenue.

 

 

Do the books that writers don't write matter? It's easy to forget them, to assume that the

apocryphal bibliography must contain nothing but bad ideas, justly abandoned projects,

embarrassing first thoughts. It needn't be so: first thoughts are often best, cheeringly

rehabilitated by third thoughts after they've been loured at by seconds. Besides, an idea

isn't always abandoned because it fails some quality-control test. The imagination doesn't

crop annually like a reliable fruit tree. The writer has to gather whatever's there:

sometimes too much, sometimes too little, sometimes nothing at all. And in the years of

glut there is always a slatted wooden tray in some cool, dark attic, which the writer

nervously visits from time to time; and yes, oh dear, while he's been hard at work

downstairs, up in the attic there are puckering skins, warning spots, a sudden brown

collapse and the sprouting of snowflakes. What can he do about it?

 

 

With Flaubert, the apocrypha cast a second shadow. If the sweetest moment in life is a

visit to the brothel which doesn't come off, perhaps the sweetest moment in writing is the

arrival of that idea for a book which never has to be written, which is never sullied with a

definite shape, which never needs be exposed to a less loving gaze than that of its author.

 

 

Of course, the published works themselves aren't immutable: they might now look

different had Flaubert been awarded time and money to put his literary estate in order.

Bouvard et Pécuchet would have been finished; Madame Bovary might have been

suppressed (how seriously do we take Gustave's petulance against the overbearing fame

of the book? a little seriously); and L'Education sentimentale might have had a different

ending. Du Camp records his friend's dismay at the book's historical misfortune: a year

after publication came the Franco-Prussian war, and it seemed to Gustave that the

invasion and the debacle at Sedan would have provided a grand, public and irrebuttable

conclusion to a novel which set out to trace the moral failure of a generation.

 

 

'Imagine', Du Camp reports him as saying, 'the capital one might have made out of

certain incidents. Here, for instance, is one which would have been excellent in calibre.

The capitulation has been signed, the army is under arrest, the Emperor, sunk back in a

corner of his large carriage, is gloomy and dull-eyed; he smokes a cigarette to keep

himself in countenance and, though a tempest is raging within him, tries to appear

impassive. Beside him are his aides-de-camp and a Prussian General. All are silent, each

glance is lowered; there is pain in every heart.

 

 

'Where the two roads cross the procession is stopped by a column of prisoners guarded by

some Uhlans, who wear the chapska perched on their ear, and ride with couched lances.

The carriage has to be stopped before the human flood, which advances amid a cloud of

dust, reddened by the rays of the sun. The men walk dragging their feet and with

slouched shoulders. The Emperor's languid eye contemplates this crowd. What a strange

 

 


 

way to review his troops. He thinks of previous reviews, of the drums beating, of the

waving standards, of his generals covered with gold lace and saluting him with their

swords, and of his guard shouting, "Vive l'Empereur!"

 

'A prisoner recognises him and salutes him, then another and another.

 

'Suddenly a Zouave leaves the ranks, shakes his fist and cries, "Ah! There you are, you

villain; we have been ruined by you!"

 

'Then ten thousand men yell insults, wave their arms threateningly, spit upon the carriage,

and pass like a whirlwind of curses. The Emperor still remains immovable without

making a sign or uttering a word, but, he thinks, "Those are the men they used to call my

Praetorian Guards!"

 

'Well, what do you think of that for a situation? It is pretty powerful, is it not? That would

have made rather a stirring final scene for my Education! I cannot console myself for

having missed it.'

 

Should we mourn such a lost ending? And how do we assess it? Du Camp probably

coarsened it in the retelling, and there would have been many Flaubertian redraftings

before publication. Its appeal is clear: the fortissimo climax, the public conclusion to a

nation's private failing. But does the book need such an ending? Having had 1848, do we

need 1870 as well? Better to let the novel die away in disenchantment; better the

downbeat reminiscing of two friends than a swirling salon-picture.

 

For the Apocrypha proper, let us be systematic.

 

1. Autobiography. 'One day, if I write my memoirs—the only thing I shall write well, if

ever I put myself to the task of doing it—you will find a place in them, and what a place!

For you have blown a large breach in the walls of my existence.' Gustave writes this in

one of his earliest letters to Louise Colet; and over a seven-year period (1846-53) he

makes occasional references to the planned autobiography. Then he announces its official

abandonment. But was it ever more than just a project for a project? 'I'll put you in my

memoirs' is one of the handier clichés of literary wooing. File it alongside 'I'll put you in

motion pictures', 'I could immortalise you in paint', 'I can just see your neck in marble',

etc, etc.

2. Translations. Lost works, rather than strict apocrypha; but we might note here: a) Juliet

Herbert's translation of Madame Bovary, which the novelist oversaw, and which he

proclaimed 'a masterpiece'; b) the translation referred to in a letter of 1844: 'I have read

Candide twenty times. I have translated it into English…' This does not sound like a

school exercise: more like a piece of self-imposed apprenticeship. Judging from

Gustave's erratic use of English in his letters, the translation probably added a layer of

unintentional comedy to the intentions of the original. He couldn't even copy English

place-names accurately: in 1866, making notes on the 'coloured Minton tiles' at the South

Kensington Museum, he turns Stoke-upon-Trent into 'Stroke-upon-Trend'.

3. Fiction. This section of the Apocrypha contains a large amount of juvenilia, useful

mainly to the psychobiographer. But the books a writer fails to write in his adolescence


 

are of a different nature from the books he fails to write once he has announced his

profession. These are the not-books for which he must take responsibility.

 

In 1850, while in Egypt, Flaubert spends two days pondering the story of Mycerinus, a

pious king of the fourth dynasty who is credited with reopening temples closed by his

predecessors. In a letter to Bouilhet, however, the novelist characterises his subject more

crudely as 'the king who fucks his daughter'. Perhaps Flaubert's interest was encouraged

by the discovery (or indeed the memory) that in 1837 the king's sarcophagus had been

excavated by the British and shipped back to London. Gustave would have been able to

inspect it when he visited the British Museum in 1851.

 

I tried to inspect it myself the other day. The sarcophagus, they told me, is not one of the

Museum's more interesting possessions, and hasn't been on display since 1904. Though

believed to be fourth dynasty when it was shipped, it later turned out to be twenty-sixth

dynasty: the portions of mummified body inside might, or equally might not, be those of

Mycerinus. I felt disappointed, but also relieved: what if Flaubert had continued with his

project, and inserted a meticulously researched description of the king's tomb? Dr Enid

Starkie would have been given the chance to swat another Mistake in Literature.

 

(Perhaps I should award Dr Starkie an entry in my pocket guide to Flaubert; or would that

be unnecessarily vindictive? S for Sade, or S for Starkie? It's coming along well, by the

way, Braithwaite's Dictionary of Accepted Ideas. All you need to know about Flaubert to

know as much as the next person! Only a few more entries and I'll be finished. The letter

X is going to be a problem, I can see. There's nothing under X in Flaubert's own

Dictionary.)

 

In 1850, from Constantinople, Flaubert announces three projects: 'Une nuit de Don Juan'

(which reaches the planning stage); 'Anubis', the story of 'the woman who wants to be

fucked by a god'; and 'My Flemish novel about the young girl who dies a virgin and a

mystic…in a little provincial town, at the bottom of a garden planted with cabbages and

bulrushes…' Gustave complains in this letter to Bouilhet about the dangers of planning a

project too thoroughly: 'It seems to me, alas, that if you can so thoroughly dissect your

children who are still to be born, you don't get horny enough actually to father them.' In

the present cases, Gustave didn't get horny enough; though some see in his third project a

vague forerunner of either Madame Bovary or Un coeur simple.

 

In 1852-3 Gustave makes serious plans for 'La Spirale', a:grand, metaphysical, fantastical

and bawling novel', whose hero lives a typically Flaubertian double life, being happy in

his dreams and unhappy in his real life. Its conclusion, of course: that happiness exists

only in the imagination.

 

In 1853, 'one of my old dreams' is resuscitated: a novel about chivalry. Despite Ariosto

such a project is still feasible, Gustave declares: the additional elements he will bring to

the subject are 'terror and a broader poetry'.

 

In 1861: 'I've long been meditating a novel on insanity, or rather on how one becomes

insane.' From about this time, or a little later, he was also meditating, according to Du

Camp, a novel about the theatre; he would sit in the green room jotting down the

 


 

confidences of over-candid actresses. 'Only Le Sage in Gil Blas has touched upon the

truth. I will reveal it in all its nakedness, for it is impossible to imagine how comic it is.'

 

From this point on, Flaubert must have known that any full-length novel would probably

take him five to seven years; and therefore that most of his back-burner projects would

inevitably boil themselves dry in the pot. From the last dozen years of his life we find

four main ideas, plus an intriguing fifth, a sort of roman trouvé.

 

a) 'Harel-Bey', an Eastern story. 'If I were younger and had the money, I'd go back to the

Orient—to study the modern Orient, the Orient of the Isthmus of Suez. A big book about

that is one of my old dreams. I'd like to show a civilised man who turns barbarian, and a

barbarian who becomes a civilised man—to develop that contrast between two worlds

that end up merging…But it's too late.'

 

b) A book about the Battle of Thermopylae, which he planned to write after finishing

 

Bouvard et Pécuchet.

 

c) A novel featuring several generations of a Rouen family.

 

d) If you cut a flatworm in half, the head will grow a new tail; more surprisingly, the tail

will grow a new head. This is what happened with the regretted ending to L'Education

sentimentale: it generated an entire novel of its own, called first 'Under Napoleon III', and

later 'A Parisian Household'. 'I will write a novel about the Empire [Du Camp reports him

saying] and bring in the evening receptions at Compiegne, with all the ambassadors,

marshals and senators ratding their decorations as they bend to the ground to kiss the

hand of the Prince Imperial. Yes indeed! The period will furnish material for some capital

books.'

 

e) The roman trouvé was found by Charles Lapierre, editor of Le Nouvelliste de Rouen.

Dining at Croisset one evening, Lapierre told Flaubert the scandalous history of

Mademoiselle de P—. She had been born into the Normandy nobility, had connections at

Court, and was appointed reader to the Empress Eugene. Her beauty, they said, was

enough to damn a saint. It was certainly enough to damn her: an open liaison with an

officer of the Imperial Guard caused her dismissal. Subsequently she became one of the

queens of the Parisian demi-monde, ruling in the late 1860s over a loucher version of the

Court from which she had been excluded. During the Franco-Prussian War, she

disappeared from sight (along with the rest of her profession), and afterwards her star

waned. She descended, by all accounts, to the lowest levels of harlotry. And yet,

encouragingly (for fiction as well as for herself), she proved able to rise again: she

became the established mistress of a cavalry officer, and by the time she died was the

legal wife of an admiral.

 

Flaubert was delighted with the story: 'Do you know, Lapierre, you've just given me the

subject of a novel, the counterpart of my Bovary, a Bovary of high society. What an

attractive figure!' He copied down the story at once, and began to make notes on it. But

the novel was never written, and the notes have never been found.

 

All these unwritten books tantalise. Yet they can, to an extent, be filled out, ordered,

reimagined. They can be studied in academies. A pier is a disappointed bridge; yet stare

 


 

at it for long enough and you can dream it to the other side of the Channel. The same is

true with these stubs of books.

 

But what of the unled lives? These, perhaps, are more truly tantalising; these are the real

apocrypha. Thermopylae instead of Bouvard et Pécuchet? Well, it's still a book. But if

Gustave himself had changed course? It's easy, after all, not to be a writer. Most people

aren't writers, and very little harm comes to them. A phrenologist—that careers master of

the nineteenth century—once examined Flaubert and told him he was cut out to be a

tamer of wild beasts. Not so inaccurate either. That quote again: 'I attract mad people and

animals.'

 

It is not just the life that we know. It is not just the life that has been successfully hidden.

It is not just the lies about the life, some of which cannot now be disbelieved. It is also

the life that was not led.

 

'Am I to be a king, or just a pig?' Gustave writes in his Intimate Notebook. At nineteen, it

always looks as simple as this. There is the life, and then there is the not-life; the life of

ambition served, or the life of porcine failure. Others try and tell you about your future,

but you never really believe them. 'Many things', Gustave writes at this time, 'have been

predicted to me: 1) that I'll learn to dance; 2) that I'll marry. We'll see—I don't believe it.'

 

He never married, and he never learned to dance. He was so resistant to dancing that most

of the principal male characters in his novels take sympathetic action and refuse to dance

as well.

 

What did he learn instead? Instead he learned that life is not a choice between murdering

your way to the throne or slopping back in a sty; that there are swinish kings and regal

hogs; that the king may envy the pig; and that the possibilities of the not-life will always

change tormentingly to fit the particular embarrassments of the lived life.

 

At seventeen, he announces that he wants to spend his whole life in a ruined castle by the

sea.

 

At eighteen, he decides that some freakish wind must have mistakenly transplanted him

to France: he was born, he declares, to be Emperor of Cochin-China, to smoke 36-fathom

pipes, to have 6,000 wives and 1,400 catamites; but instead, displaced by this

meteorological hazard, he is left with immense, insatiable desires, fierce boredom, and an

attack of the yawns.

 

At nineteen, he thinks that after he's finished his legal studies he'll go off and become a

Turk in Turkey, or a muleteer in Spain, or a cameleer in Egypt.

 

At twenty, he still wants to become a muleteer, though by now the Spanish location has

been narrowed to that of Andalusia. Other career possibilities include the life of a

lazzarone in Naples; though he'd settle for being the driver of the coach which plies

between Nimes and Marseilles. Yet is any of this rare enough? The ease with which even

the bourgeois travel nowadays comes as an agony to one who has 'the Bosphorus in the

soul'.

 


 

At twenty-four, with his father and sister newly dead, he plans what to do with his life

should his mother die as well: he would sell up everything and live in Rome, Syracuse or

Naples.

 

Still twenty-four, and presenting himself to Louise Colet as a fellow of infinite whim, he

claims that he has thought long and very seriously about the idea of becoming a bandit in

Smyrna. But at the very least 'someday I shall go and live far away from here and never

be heard of again'. Perhaps Louise is little amused by Ottoman banditry; for now a more

domestic fantasy appears. If only he were free, he would leave Croisset and come to live

with her in Paris. He imagines their life together, their marriage, a sweet existence of

mutual love and mutual companionship. He imagines their having a child together; he

imagines Louise's death and his own subsequent tenderness in caring for the motherless

infant (we do not, alas, have Louise's response to this particular flight). The exotic appeal

of the domestic does not, however, last. Within a month the tense of the verb curdles: 'It

seems to me that if I had been your husband, we would have been happy together. After

we'd been happy, then we would have hated one another. This is normal.' Louise is

expected to be grateful that Gustave's far-sightedness has spared her such an

unsatisfactory life.

 

So instead, and still twenty-four, Gustave sits over a map with Du Camp and plans a

monster journey to Asia. It would last six years and would cost, at their own rough

estimate, three million six hundred thousand and a few odd francs.

 

At twenty-five he wants to be a Brahmin: the mystic dance, the long hair, the face

dripping with holy butter. He officially renounces wanting to be a Camaldolese, a brigand

or a Turk. 'Now it's a Brahmin, or nothing at all—which would be simpler.' Go on, be

nothing at all, life urges. Being a pig is simple.

 

At twenty-nine, inspired by Humboldt, he wants to go off and live in South America,

among the savannahs, and never be heard of again.

 

At thirty he muses—as he did throughout his life—on his own previous incarnations, on

his apocryphal or metempsychotic lives in the more interesting times of Louis XIV, Nero

and Pericles. Of one preincarnation he is certain: he was, at some point during the Roman

Empire, the director of a troupe of travelling comedians, the sort of plausible rogue who

bought women in Sicily and turned them into actresses, a rowdy mixture of teacher, pimp

and artist. (Reading Plautus has reminded Gustave of this previous life: it gives him le

frisson historique.) Here we should also note Gustave's apocryphal ancestry: he liked to

claim that he had Red Indian blood in his veins. This seems to have been not quite the

case; though one of his ancestors did emigrate to Canada in the seventeenth century and

become a beaver-trapper.

 

Still thirty, he projects a seemingly more probable life, but one which proves equally to

be a not-life. He and Bouilhet play at imagining themselves old men, patients in some

hospice for incurables: ancients who sweep the streets and babble to one another of that.

happy time when they were both thirty and walked all the way to La Roche-Guyon. The

mocked senility was never attained: Bouilhet died at forty-eight, Flaubert at fifty-eight.

 


 

At thirty-one, he remarks to Louise—a parenthesis to a hypothesis—that if he had ever

had a son, he would have taken great pleasure in procuring women for him.

 

Also at thirty-one, he reports a brief, untypical lapse to Louise: the desire to chuck in

literature. He will come and live with her, inside her, his head between her breasts; he is

fed up, he says, with masturbating that head of his to make the phrases spurt. But this

fantasy is also a chilling tease: it's recounted in the past tense, as something which

Gustave, in a moment of weakness, fleetingly imagined himself doing. He would always

rather have his head between his own hands than between Louise's breasts.

 

At thirty-two, he confesses to Louise the manner in which he has spent many hours of his

life: imagining what he would do if he had an income of a million francs a year. In such

dreams servants would ease him into shoes studded with diamonds; he would cock an ear

to the whinny of his coach-horses, whose splendour would make England die of jealousy;

he would give oyster banquets, and have his dining-room surrounded by espaliers of

flowering jasmine, out of which bright finches would swoop. But this, at a million a year,

was a cheap dream. Du Camp reports Gustave's plan for 'A Winter in Paris'—an

extravaganza incorporating the luxury of the Roman Empire, the refinement of the

Renaissance, and the faerie of the Thousand and One Nights. The Winter had been

seriously costed, and it came out at twelve thousand million francs 'at the most'. Du Camp

also adds, more generally, that 'when these dreams took possession of him, he became

almost rigid, and reminded one of an opium-eater in a state of trance. He seemed to have

his head in the clouds, to be living in a dream of gold. This habit was one reason why he

found steady work difficult.'

 

At thirty-five, he reveals 'my private dream': to buy a little palazzo on the Grand Canal. A

few months later, a kiosk on the Bosphorus is added to the real estate in his head. A few

months more, and he is ready to leave for the East, to stay there, to die there. The painter

Camille Rogier, who lives in Beirut, has invited him. He could go; just like that. He

could; he doesn't.

 

At thirty-five, however, the apocryphal life, the not-life, begins to die away. The reason is

clear: the real life has really begun. Gustave was thirty-five when Madame Bovary came

out in book form. The fantasies are no longer needed; or rather, different, particular,

practical fantasies are now required. For the world, he will play the Hermit of Croisset;

for his friends in Paris, he will play the Idiot of the Salons; for George Sand he will play

the Reverend Father Cruchard, a fashionable Jesuit who enjoys hearing the confessions of

society women; for his intimate circle he will play Saint Polycarpe, that obscure Bishop

of Smyrna, martyred in the nick of time at the age of ninety-five, who pre-echoed

Flaubert by stopping up his ears and crying out, 'Oh Lord! Into what an age you have

caused me to be born!' But these identities are no longer lurid alibis towards which he

might credibly escape; they are playthings, alternative lives issued under licence by the

celebrated author. He does not run off to become a bandit in Smyrna; instead, he

summons the useful Bishop of Smyrna to live within his skin. He has proved not a tamer

of wild beasts, but a tamer of wild lives. Pacification of the apocryphal is complete:

writing can begin.

 

10: The Case Against


 

What makes us want to know the worst? Is it that we tire of preferring to know the best?

Does curiosity always hurdle self-interest? Or is it, more simply, that wanting to know

the worst is love's favourite perversion?

 

For some, this curiosity operates as baleful fantasy. I had a patient once, a respectable

nine-to-fiver otherwise untouched by imagination, who confessed that while making love

to his wife he liked to picture her spread blissfully beneath mountainous hidalgos, sleek

lascars, rummaging dwarfs. Shock me, the fantasy urges, appal me. For others, the search

is real. I have known couples to take pride in one another's tawdry behaviour: each

pursuing the other's folly, the other's vanity, the other's weakness. What were they really

after? Something, evidently, which lay beyond what they appeared to seek. Perhaps some

final confirmation that mankind itself was ineradicably corrupt, that life was indeed just a

gaudy nightmare in the head of an imbecile?

 

I loved Ellen, and I wanted to know the worst. I never provoked her; I was cautious and

defensive, as is my habit; I didn't even ask questions; but I wanted to know the worst.

Ellen never returned this caress. She was fond of me—she would automatically agree, as

if the matter weren't worth discussing, that she loved me—but she unquestioningly

believed the best about me. That's the difference. She didn't ever search for that sliding

panel which opens the secret chamber of the heart, the chamber where memory and

corpses are kept. Sometimes you find the panel, but it doesn't open; sometimes it opens,

and your gaze meets nothing but a mouse skeleton. But at least you've looked. That's the

real distinction between people: not between those who have secrets and those who don't,

but between those who want to know everything and those who don't. This search is a

sign of love, I maintain.

 

It's similar with books. Not quite the same, of course (it never is); but similar. If you quite

enjoy a writer's work, if you turn the page approvingly yet don't mind being interrupted,

then you tend to like that author unthinkingly. Good chap, you assume. Sound fellow.

They say he strangled an entire pack of Wolf Cubs and fed their bodies to a school of

carp? Oh no, I'm sure he didn't: sound fellow, good chap. But if you love a writer, if you

depend upon the drip-feed of his intelligence, if you want to pursue him and find him—

despite edicts to the contrary—then it's impossible to know too much. You seek the vice

as well. A pack of Wolf Cubs, eh? Was that twenty-seven or twenty-eight? And did he

have their little scarves sewn up into a patchwork quilt? And is it true that as he ascended

the scaffold he quoted from the Book of Jonah?And that he bequeathed his carp pond to

the local Boy Scouts?

 

But here's the difference. With a lover, a wife, when you find the worst—be it infidelity

or lack of love, madness or the suicidal spark—you are almost relieved. Life is as I

thought it was; shall we now celebrate this disappointment? With a writer you love, the

instinct is to defend. This is what I meant earlier: perhaps love for a writer is the purest,

the steadiest form of love. And so your defence comes the more easily. The fact of the

matter is, carp are an endangered species, and everyone knows that the only diet they will

accept if the winter has been especially harsh and the spring turns wet before St Oursin's

Day is that of young minced Wolf Cub. Of course he knew he would hang for the

offence, but he also knew that humanity is not an endangered species, and reckoned

therefore that twenty-seven (did you say twenty-eight?) Wolf Cubs plus one middle

 

 


 

ranking author (he was always ridiculously modest about his talents) were a trivial price

to pay for the survival of an entire breed of fish. Take the long view: did we need so

many Wolf Cubs? They would only have grown up and become Boy Scouts. And if

you're still mired in sentimentality, look at it this way: the admission fees so far received

from visitors to the carp pond have already enabled the Boy Scouts to build and maintain

several church halls in the area.

 

So go on. Read the charge-sheet. I had expected it at some point. But don't forget this:

Gustave has been in the dock before. How many offences are there this time?

 

1. That he hated humanity.

Yes, yes, of course. You always say that. I'll give you two sorts of answer. First, let's start

with basics. He loved his mother: doesn't that warm your silly, sentimental, twentiethcentury

heart? He loved his father. He loved his sister. He loved his niece. He loved his

friends. He admired certain individuals. But his affections were always specific; they

were not given away to all comers. This seems enough to me. You want him to do more?

You want him to 'love humanity', to goose the human race? But that means nothing.

Loving humanity means as much and as little as loving raindrops, or loving the Milky

Way. You say that you love humanity? Are you sure you aren't treating yourself to easy

self-congratulation, seeking approval, making certain you're on the right side?

 

Secondly, even if he did hate humanity—or was profoundly unimpressed by it, as I would

prefer to say—was he wrong? You, clearly, are quite impressed by humanity: it's all

clever irrigation schemes, missionary work and micro-electronics to you. Forgive him for

seeing it differently. It's clear we're going to have to discuss this at some length. But let

me first, briefly, quote to you one of your wise men of the twentieth century: Freud. Not,

you will agree, someone with an axe to grind? You want his summing-up on the human

race, ten years before his death? 'In the depths of my heart I can't help being convinced

that my dear fellow-men, with a few exceptions, are worthless.' This from the man that

most people, for most of this century, believed most thoroughly understood the human

heart. It is a little embarrassing, is it not?

 

But come, it's time for you to be rather more specific.

 

2. That he hated democracy.

La démocrasserie, as he called it in a letter to Taine. Which do you prefer—

democrappery or democrassness? Democrappiness, perhaps? He was, it is true, very

unimpressed by it. From which you should not conclude that he favoured tyranny, or

absolute monarchy, or bourgeois monarchy, or bureaucratised totalitarianism, or anarchy,

or whatever. His preferred model of government was a Chinese one—that of the

Mandarinate; though he readily admitted that its chances of introduction into France were

extremely small. The Mandarinate seems a step back to you? But you forgive Voltaire his

enthusiasm for enlightened monarchy: why not forgive Flaubert, a century later, his

enthusiasm for enlightened oligarchy? He did not, at least, entertain the childish fantasy

of some literati: that writers are better fitted to run the world than anybody else.

 

The main point is this: Flaubert thought democracy merely a stage in the history of

 


 

government, and he thought it a typical vanity on our part to assume that it represented

the finest, proudest way for men to rule one another. He believed in—or rather, he did not

fail to notice—the perpetual evolution of humanity, and therefore the evolution of its

social forms: 'Democracy isn't mankind's last word, any more than slavery was, or

feudalism was, or monarchy was.' The best form of government, he maintained, is one

that is dying, because this means it's giving way to something else.

 

3. That he didn't believe in progress.

I cite the twentieth century in his defence.

 

4. That he wasn't interested enough in politics.

Interested 'enough'? You admit, at least, that he was interested. You are suggesting,

tactfully, that he didn't like what he saw (correct), and that if he had seen more, he would

perhaps have come round to your way of thinking in these matters (incorrect). I should

like to make two points, the first of which I shall put into italics, since this seems to be

your favourite mode of utterance. Literature includes politics, and not vice versa. This

isn't a fashionable view, neither with writers nor politicians, but you will forgive me.

Novelists who think their writing an instrument of politics seem to me to degrade writing

and foolishly exalt politics. No, I'm not saying they should be forbidden from having

political opinions or from making political statements. It's just that they should call that

part of their work journalism. The writer who imagines that the novel is the most

effective way of taking part in politics is usually a bad novelist, a bad journalist, and a

bad politician.

 

Du Camp followed politics carefully, Flaubert sporadically. Which do you prefer? The

former. And which of them was the greater writer? The latter. And what were their

politics? Du Camp became a lethargic meliorist; Flaubert remained 'an enraged liberal'.

Does that surprise you? But even if Flaubert had described himself as a lethargic

meliorist, I should make the same point: what a curious vanity it is of the present to

expect the past to suck up to it. The present looks back at some great figure of an earlier

century and wonders, Was he on our side? Was he a goodie? What a lack of selfconfidence

this implies: the present wants both to patronise the past by adjudicating on its

political acceptability, and also to be flattered by it, to be patted on the back and told to

keep up the good work. If this is what you understand by Monsieur Flaubert not being

'interested enough' in politics, then I'm afraid my client must plead guilty.

 

5. That he was against the Commune.

Well, what I've said above is part of the answer. But there is also this consideration, this

incredible weakness of character on my client's part: he was on the whole against people

killing one another. Call it squeamishness, but he did disapprove. He never killed anyone

himself, I have to admit; in fact, he never even tried. He promises to do better in future.

 

6. That he was unpatriotic.

Permit me a short laugh. Ah. That's better. I thought patriotism was a bad thing

nowadays. I thought we would all rather betray our country than our friends. Is that not

 


 

so? Have things turned upside down yet again? What am I expected to say? On

September 22nd, 1870, Flaubert bought himself a revolver; at Croisset, he drilled his

ragged collection of men in expectation of a Prussian advance; he took them out on night

patrols; he told them to shoot him if he tried to run away. By the time the Prussians came,

there was not much he could sensibly do except look after his aged mother. He could

perhaps have submitted himself to some army medical board, but whether they would

have enthused over the application of a 48-year-old epileptic syphilitic with no military

experience except that acquired while shooting wild-life in the desert—

 

7. That he shot wild-life in the desert.

Oh, for Christ's sake. We plead noli contendere. And besides I haven't finished with the

question of patriotism. May I instruct you briefly on the nature of the novelist? What is

the easiest, the most comfortable thing for a writer to do? To congratulate the society in

which he lives: to admire its biceps, applaud its progress, tease it endearingly about its

follies. 'I am as much a Chinaman as a Frenchman,' Flaubert declared. Not, that is, more

of a Chinaman: had he been born in Peking, no doubt he would have disappointed

patriots there too. The greatest patriotism is to tell your country when it is behaving

dishonourably, foolishly, viciously. The writer must be universal in sympathy and an

outcast by nature: only then can he see clearly. Flaubert always sides with minorities,

with 'the Bedouin, the Heretic, the philosopher, the hermit, the Poet'. In 1867 forty-three

gypsies pitched camp in the Cours La Reine and aroused much hatred among the

Rouennais. Flaubert delighted in their presence and gave them money. No doubt you

wish to pat him on the head for this. If he'd known he was gaining the approval of the

future, he'd probably have kept the money to himself.

 

8. That he didn't involve himself in life.

'You can depict wine, love, women and glory on the condition that you're not a drunkard,

a lover, a husband or a private in the ranks. If you participate in life, you don't see it

clearly: you suffer from it too much or enjoy it too much.' This isn't a reply of guilty, it's

a complaint that the charge is wrongly phrased. What do you mean by life? Politics?

We've dealt with that. The emotional life? Through his family, friends and mistresses,

Gustave knew all the stations of the cross. Marriage, you mean perhaps? A curious

complaint, though not a new one. Does marriage produce better novels than

bachelorhood? Are the philoprogenitive better writers than the childless? I should like to

see your statistics.

 

The best life for a writer is the life which helps him write the best books he can. Are we

confident that our judgment in the matter is better than his? Flaubert was more 'involved',

to use your term, than many: Henry James by comparison was a nun. Flaubert may have

tried to live in an ivory tower—

 

8. That he tried to live in an ivory tower.

but he failed. 'I have always tried to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is beating at

its walls, threatening to undermine it.'

 

Three points need to be made. One is that the writer chooses—as far as he can—the

 


 

extent of what you call his involvement in life: despite his reputation, Flaubert occupied a

half-and-half position. 'It isn't the drunkard who writes the drinking song': he knew that.

On the other hand, it isn't the teetotaller either. He put it best, perhaps, when he said that

the writer must wade into life as into the sea, but only up to the navel.

 

Secondly, when readers complain about the lives of writers—why didn't he do this; why

didn't he protest to the newspapers about that; why wasn't he more involved in life?—

aren't they really asking a simpler, and vainer, question: why isn't he more like us? But if

a writer were more like a reader, he'd be a reader, not a writer: it's as uncomplicated as

that.

 

Thirdly, what is the thrust of the complaint as far as the books are concerned?

Presumably the regret that Flaubert wasn't more involved in life isn't just a philanthropic

wish for him: if only old Gustave had had a wife and kiddies, he wouldn't have been so

glum about the whole shooting-match? If only he'd got caught up in politics, or good

works, or become a governor of his old school, he'd have been taken out of himself

more? Presumably you think there are faults in the books which could have been

remedied by a change in the writer's life. If so, I think it is up to you to state them. For

myself, I cannot think that, for instance, the portrait of provincial manners in Madame

Bovary is lacking in some particular aspect which would have been remedied had its

author clinked tankards of cider every evening with some gouty Norman bergère.

 

9. That he was a pessimist.

Ah. I begin to see what you mean. You wish his books were a bit more cheerful, a bit

more…how would you put it, life-enhancing? What a curious idea of literature you do

have. Is your PhD from Bucharest? I didn't know one had to defend authors for being

pessimists. This is a new one. I decline to do so. Flaubert said: 'You don't make art out of

good intentions.' He also said: 'The public wants works which flatter its illusions.'

 

10. That he teaches no positive virtues.

Now you are coming out into the open. So this is how we are to judge our writers—on

their 'positive virtues'? Well, I suppose I must play your game briefly: it's what you have

to do in the courts. Take all the obscenity trials from Madame Bovary to Lady

Chatterley's Lover: there's always some element of games-playing, of compliance, in the

defence. Others might call it tactical hypocrisy. (Is this book sexy? No, M'Lud, we hold

that it would have an emetic, not a mimetic, effect on any reader. Does this book

encourage adultery? No, M'Lud, look how the miserable sinner who gives herself time

and time again to riotous pleasure is punished in the end. Does this book attack marriage?

No, M'Lud, it portrays a vile and hopeless marriage so that others may learn that only by

following Christian instructions will their own marriages be happy. Is this book

blasphemous? No, M'Lud, the novelist's thought is chaste.) As a forensic argument, of

course, it has been successful; but I sometimes feel a residual bitterness that one of these

defence counsel, when speaking for a true work of literature, did not build his act on

simple defiance. (Is this book sexy? M'Lud, we bloody well hope so. Does it encourage

adultery and attack marriage? Spot on, M'Lud, that's exactly what my client is trying to

do. Is this book blasphemous? For Christ's sake, M'Lud, the matter's as clear as the

 


 

loincloth on the Crucifixion. Put it this way, M'Lud: my client thinks that most of the

values of the society in which he lives stink, and he hopes with this book to promote

fornication, masturbation, adultery, the stoning of priests and, since we've temporarily got

your attention, M'Lud, the suspension of corrupt judges by their earlobes. The defence

rests its case.)

 

So, briefly: Flaubert teaches you to gaze upon the truth and not blink from its

consequences; he teaches you, with Montaigne, to sleep on the pillow of doubt; he

teaches you to dissect out the constituent parts of reality, and to observe that Nature is

always a mixture of genres; he teaches you the most exact use of language; he teaches

you not to approach a book in search of moral or social pills—literature is not a

pharmacopoeia; he teaches the pre-eminence of Truth, Beauty, Feeling and Style. And if

you study his pr to life, he teaches courage, stoicism, friendship; the importance of

intelligence, scepticism and wit; the folly of cheap patriotism; the virtue of being able to

remain by yourself in your own room; the hatred of hypocrisy; distrust of the doctrinaire;

the need for plain speaking. Is that the way you like writers to be described (I do not care

for it much myself)? Is it enough? It's all I'm giving you for the moment: I seem to be

embarrassing my client.

 

11. That he was a sadist.

Rubbish. My client was a soft touch. Cite me a single sadistic, or even unkind, thing he

did in his whole life. I'll tell you the unkindest thing I know about him: he was caught

being beastly to a woman at a party for no obvious reason. When asked why, he replied,

'Because she might want to come into my study.' That's the worst thing I know about my

client. Unless you count the occasion in Egypt when he tried to go to bed with a prostitute

while suffering from the pox. That was a little deceitful, I admit. But he didn't succeed:

the girl, following the normal precautions of her profession, asked to examine him and,

when he refused, sent him packing.

 

He read Sade, of course. What educated French writer doesn't? I gather he is currently

popular among Parisian intellectuals. My client told the Goncourt brothers that Sade was

'entertaining nonsense'. He kept a few gruesome mementoes around him, it is true; he

enjoyed recounting horrors; there are lurid passages in his early work. But you say he had

a 'Sadeian imagination'? I am puzzled. You specify: Salammbô contains scenes of

shocking violence. I reply: do you think they didn't happen? Do you think the Ancient

World was all rose petals, lute music, and plump vats of honey sealed with bear fat?

 

11a. That there are a lot of animals slaughtered in his books.

 

He isn't Walt Disney, no. He was interested in cruelty, I agree. He was interested in

everything. As well as Sade, there was Nero. But listen to what he says about them:

'These monsters explain history for me.' He is, I must add, all of seventeen at the time.

And let me give you another quote: 'I love the vanquished, but I also love the victors.' He

strives, as I've said, to be as much a Chinaman as a Frenchman. There is an earthquake in

Leghorn: Flaubert doesn't cry out in sympathy. He feels as much sympathy for these

victims as he does for slaves who died centuries earlier turning some tyrant's grindstone.

You are shocked? It's called having a historical imagination. It's called being a citizen,

 


 

not just of the world, but of all time. It's what Flaubert described as being 'brother in God

to everything that lives, from the giraffe and the crocodile to man'. It's called being a

writer.

 

12. That he was beastly to women.

Women loved him. He enjoyed their company; they enjoyed his; he was gallant,

flirtatious; he went to bed with them. He just didn't want to marry them. Is that a sin?

Perhaps some of his sexual attitudes were pungently those of his time and his class; but

who then in the nineteenth century shall escape whipping? He stood, at least, for honesty

in sexual dealings: hence his preference for the prostitute over the grisette. Such honesty

brought him more trouble than hypocrisy would have done—with Louise Colet, for

instance. When he told her the truth it sounded like cruelty. But she was a pest, wasn't

she? (Let me answer my own question. I think she was a pest; she sounds like a pest;

though admittedly we hear only Gustave's side of the story. Perhaps someone should

write her account: yes, why not reconstruct Louise Colet's Version? I might do that. Yes,

I will.)

 

If I may say so, a lot of your charges could probably be reclassified under a single

heading: That he wouldn't have liked us if he'd known us. To which he might be inclined

to plead guilty; if only to see the expression on our face.

 

13 That he believed in Beauty.

 

I think I've got something lodged in my ear. Probably a bit of wax. Just give me a

moment to grip my nose and blow out through my eardrums.

 

14. That he was obsessed with style.

You are babbling. Do you still think the novel divides, like Gaul, into three parts—the

Idea, the Form and the Style? If so, you are taking your own first tremulous steps into

fiction. You want some maxims for writing? Very well. Form isn't an overcoat flung over

the flesh of thought (that old comparison, old in Flaubert's day); it's the flesh of thought

itself. You can no more imagine an Idea without a Form than a Form without an Idea.

Everything in art depends on execution: the story of a louse can be as beautiful as the

story of Alexander. You must write according to your feelings, be sure those feelings are

true, and let everything else go hang. When a line is good, it ceases to belong to any

school. A line of prose must be as immutable as a line of poetry. If you happen to write

well, you are accused of lacking ideas.

 

All these maxims are by Flaubert, except for the one by Bouilhet.

 

15. That he didn't believe Art had a social purpose.

No, he didn't. This is wearying. 'You provide desolation,' wrote George Sand, 'and I

provide consolation.' To which Flaubert replied, 'I cannot change my eyes.' The work of

art is a pyramid which stands in the desert, uselessly: jackals piss at the base of it, and

bourgeois clamber to the top of it; continue this comparison. Do you want art to be a

healer? Send for the AMBULANCE GEORGE SAND. Do you want art to tell the truth?

 


 

Send for the AMBULANCE FLAUBERT: though don't be surprised, when it arrives, if it

runs over your leg. Listen to Auden: 'Poetry makes nothing happen.' Do not imagine that

Art is something which is designed to give gentle uplift and self-confidence. Art is not a

brassière. At least, not in the English sense. But do not forget that brassière is the French

for life jacket.

 

11: Louise Colet's Version

Now hear my story. I insist. Look, take my arm, like that, and let's just walk. I have tales

to tell; you will like them. We'll follow the quai, and cross that bridge—no, the second

one—and perhaps we could take a cognac somewhere, and wait until the gas-lamps dim,

and then walk back. Come, you're surely not frightened of me? So why that look? You

think I am a dangerous woman? Well, that's a form of flattery—I accept the compliment.

Or perhaps…perhaps it's what I might have to say that you're frightened of? Aha…well,

it's too late now. You have taken my arm; you cannot drop it. After all, I am older than

you. It is your job to protect me.

 

I have no interest in slander. Slip your fingers down my forearm, if you want to; yes,

there, now feel the pulse. I am not vengeful tonight. Some friends say, Louise, you must

answer fire with fire, lie with lie. But I do not wish to. Of course I have lied in my time; I

have—what is that word your sex favours?—I have schemed. But women scheme when

they are weak, they lie out of fear. Men scheme when they are strong, they lie out of

arrogance. You don't agree? I only speak from observation; yours may be different, I

grant. But you see how calm I am? I am calm because I feel strong. And—what's that?

Perhaps, if I am strong, then I am scheming like a man? Come, let's not be complicated.

 

I did not need Gustave to come into my life. Look at the facts. I was thirty-five, I was

beautiful, I was…renowned. I had conquered first Aix, then Paris. I had won the

Academia's poetry prize twice. I had translated Shakespeare. Victor Hugo called me

sister, Béranger called me Muse. As for my private life: my husband was respect in his

profession; my…protector was the most brilliant philosopher of his age. You haven't read

Victor Cousin? Then you should. A fascinating mind. The only man who truly

understood Plato. A friend of your philosopher Mr Mill. And then, there was—or there

was soon to be—Musset, Vigny, Champfleury. I do not boast of my conquests; I do not

need to. But you see my point. I was the candle; he was the moth. The mistress of

Socrates deigned to cast her smile on this unknown poet. I was his catch; he wasn't mine.

 

We met at Pradier's. I could see the banality of that; though of course he couldn't. The

sculptor's studio, the free talk, the unclothed model, the mixture of demi-monde and

three-quarter-monde. To me it was all familiar (why, only a few years before I'd danced

there with a stiff-backed medical student by the name of Achille Flaubert). And, of

course, I wasn't present as a spectator; I was there to sit for Pradier. Whereas Gustave? I

do not want to be harsh, but when I first set eyes on him I knew the type at once: the big,

gangling provincial, so eager and relieved to find himself at last in artistic circles. I know

how they talk, out in the provinces, with that mixture of fake self-confidence and real

fear: 'Go to Pradier's, my boy, you'll always find some little actress there to be your

mistress, and grateful she'll be too.' And the boy in Toulouse or Poitiers or Bordeaux or

Rouen, still secretly anxious about the long journey to the capital, feels his head filling up

 


 

with snobbery and lust. I understood, you see, because I had been a provincial myself. I

had made the journey from Aix a dozen years earlier. I had come a long way; and I could

recognise the signs of travel in others.

 

Gustave was twenty-four. To my mind, age does not matter; love is what matters. I did

not need to have Gustave in my life. If I had been looking for a lover—I admit my

husband's fortunes were not at their brightest, and my friendship with the Philosopher

was a little turbulent at that time—then I should not have chosen Gustave. But I have no

stomach for fat bankers. And besides, you do not look, you do not choose, do you? You

are chosen; you are elected into love by a secret ballot against which there is no appeal.

 

I do not blush at the difference between our ages? Why should I? You men are so

conformist in love, so provincial in imagination; that is why we have to flatter you, to

prop you up with little lies. So: I was thirty-five, Gustave was twenty-four. I state it and

pass on. Perhaps you do not want to pass on; in which case I shall answer your unspoken

question. If you wish to examine the mental condition of the couple entering into such a

liaison, then you do not need to look at mine. Examine Gustave's. Why? I will give you a

pair of dates. I was born in 1810, in September, the 15th day of the month. You

remember Gustave's Madame Schlesinger, the woman who first cicatrised his adolescent

heart, the woman with whom everything was doomed and hopeless, the woman of whom

he used to boast furtively, the woman for whose sake he had bricked up his heart (and

you accuse our sex of vain romance?). Well, this Mme Schlesinger, I happen to know,

was also born in 1810, and also in September. Eight days after me, to be precise, on the

23rd. You see?

 

You look at me in a way that is familiar. I surmise that you want me to tell you how

Gustave was as a lover. Men, I know, talk of such things with eagerness, with a little

contempt; it is as if they were describing the last meal they had, course by course. So

much detachment. Women are not like that; or at least the details, the weaknesses they

dwell on in narration, are only rarely the physical ones that men delight in. We look for

signs that speak to us of character—good or bad. Men look only for signs which flatter

them. They are so vain in bed, much more vain than women. Outside, the sexes are more

evenly matched, I admit.

 

I will reply a little more freely, because you are who you are; and because it is Gustave of

whom I speak. He always used to lecture people, tell them about the honesty of the artist,

the necessity .not to speak like a bourgeois. Well, if I lift the sheets a little, he has only

himself to blame.

 

He was eager, my Gustave. It was—God knows—never easy to persuade him to meet

me; but once he was there…Whatever the battles that occurred between us, none of them

was fought in the province of the night. There, we embraced by lightning; there, violent

wonder lay entwined with soft playfulness. He cried a bottle of water from the River

Mississippi with which, he said, he planned to baptise my breast as a sign of love. He was

a strong young man, and I delighted in that strength: he once signed a letter to me 'Your

wild boy of Aveyron'.

 

He had, of course, the eternal delusion of strong young men, that women gauge passion

 


 

by counting the number of times that the assault is renewed in the course of a single

night. Well, to some extent we do: who would deny that? It is flattering, is it not? But it is

not what counts finally. And after a while, there seems something almost military about

it. Gustave had a way of talking about the women he had enjoyed. He would recall some

prostitute he had frequented in the rue de la Cigogne: 'I fired five shots into her,' he

would boast to me. It was his habitual turn of phrase. I found it coarse, but I did not mind:

we were artists together, you see. However, I noted the metaphor. The more shots you

fire into somebody, the more likely they are to be dead at the end of it. Is that what men

want? Do they need a corpse as proof of their virility? I suspect they do, and women,

with the logic of flattery, remember to exclaim at the transporting moment, 'Oh, I die! I

die!' or some such phrase. After a bout of love, I often find that my brain is at its sharpest;

I see things clearly; I feel poetry coming to me. But I know better than to interrupt the

hero with my babblings; instead I ape the satisfied cadaver.

 

In the province of the night there was harmony between us. Gustave was not shy. Nor

was he narrow in his tastes. I was—why should I be modest—undoubtedly the most

beautiful, the most renowned, the most desirable woman with whom he ever slept (if I

had any rival, it was only a strange beast I shall tell you of later). He was, naturally,

sometimes nervous in the face of my beauty; and at other times needlessly pleased with

himself. I understood. Before me there had been prostitutes, of course, grisettes, and

friends. Ernest, Alfred, Louis, Max: the band of students, that was how I thought of them.

Sodality confirmed by sodomy. No, perhaps that's unfair; I do not know precisely who,

precisely when, precisely what; though I do know that Gustave was never tired of

doubles ententes about la pipe. I also know he was never tired of gazing at me as I lay on

my front.

 

I was different, you see. Prostitutes were uncomplicated; grisettes could be paid off too;

men were different—friendship, however deep, had its known limits. But love? And

losing yourself? And some partnership, some equality? He didn't dare risk it. I was the

only woman to whom he was sufficiently drawn; and he chose, out of fear, to humiliate

me. I think we should feel sorry for Gustave.

 

He used to send me flowers. Special flowers; the convention of an unconventional lover.

He sent me a rose once. He gathered it one Sunday morning at Croisset, from a hedge in

his garden. 'I kiss it,' he wrote. 'Put it quickly to your mouth, and then—you know

where…Adieu! A thousand kisses. I am yours from night to day, from day to night.' Who

could resist such sentiments? I kissed the rose, and that night, in bed, I placed it where he

desired me to. In the morning, when I awoke, the rose had by the motions of the night

been reduced to its fragrant parts. The sheets smelt of Croisset—that place which I did

not yet know would be forbidden to me; there was a petal between two of my toes, and a

thin scratch down the inside of my right thigh. Gustave, eager and clumsy as he was, had

forgotten to smooth the stem of the rose.

 

The next flower was not such a happy one. Gustave went off on his tour of Brittany. Was

I wrong to make a fuss? Three months! We had known one another less than a year, all

Paris knew of our passion, and he chose three months in the company of Du Camp! We

could have been like George Sand and Chopin; greater than them! And Gustave insists on

disappearing for three months with that ambitious catamite of his. Was I wrong to make a

 


 

fuss? Was it not a direct insult, an attempt to humiliate me? And yet he said, when I

expressed my feelings to him in public (I am not ashamed of love—why should I be? I

would declare myself in the waiting-room of a railway station if it were necessary), he

said that I was humiliating him. Imagine! He cast me off. Ultima, I wrote on the last letter

he sent me before his departure.

 

It wasn't, of course, his last letter. No sooner was he striding across that tedious

countryside, pretending to be interested in disused châteaux and drab churches (three

months!), than hean to miss me. The letters started to arrive, the apologies, the

confessions, the pleas that I should reply to him. He was always like that. When he was at

Croisset, he dreamed of the hot sand and the shimmering Nile; when he was on the Nile,

he dreamed of damp fogs and shimmering Croisset. He didn't really like travel, of course.

He liked the idea of travel, and the memory of travel, but not travel itself. For once I

agree with Du Camp, who used to say that Gustave's preferred form of travel was to lie

on a divan and have the scenery carried past him. As for that famous oriental trip of

theirs, Du Camp (yes, the odious Du Camp, the unreliable Du Camp) maintained that

Gustave spent most of the journey in a state of torpor.

 

But anyway: while he was tramping through that dull and backward province with his

malign companion, Gustave sent me another flower, plucked from beside the tomb of

Châteaubriand. He wrote of the calm sea at St Malo, the pink sky, the sweet air. It makes

a fine scene, does it not? The romantic grave on that rocky promontory; the great man

lying there, his head pointing out to sea, listening for all eternity to the comings and

goings of the tide; the young writer, with stirrings of genius inside him, kneels by the

tomb, watches the pink drain slowly from the evening sky, reflects—in the way young

men are wont to do—on eternity, the fugitive nature of life and the consolations of

greatness, then gathers a flower which has rooted itself in Châteaubriand's dust, and sends

it to his beautiful mistress in Paris…Could I be unmoved by such a gesture? Of course

not. But I could not help observing that a flower plucked from a grave brings with it

certain reverberations when sent to one who has written Ultima on a letter received not

long before. And I also could not help observing that Gustave's letter was posted from

Pontorson, which is forty kilometres from St Malo. Did Gustave pick the flower for

himself and then, after forty kilometres, grow weary of it? Or perhaps—such a suggestion

arises in me only because I have lain next to the contagious soul of Gustave himself—did

he gather it elsewhere? Did he think of the gesture a little too late? Who can resist l'esprit

de l'escalier, even in love?

 

My flower—the one that I remember best out of many—was gathered where I said it had

been. In Windsor Park. It was after my tragic visit to Croisset and the humiliation of not

being received, after the brutality, the pain and the horror of it all. You have heard

different versions, no doubt? The truth is simple.

 

I had to see him. We had to talk. You do not dismiss love in the way you dismiss your

hairdresser. He would not come to me in Paris; so I went to him. I took the train (beyond

Mantes, this time) to Rouen. I was rowed downstream to Croisset; in my soul, hope

struggled with fear, while the ancient oarsman struggled with the current. We came in

sight of a charming, low white house in the English style; a laughing house, as it seemed

to me. I disembarked; I pushed the iron grille; I was allowed no further. Gustave refused

 


 

me entrance. Some barnyard crone turned me away. He would not see me there; he

condescended to see me at my hotel. My Charon rowed me back. Gustave travelled

separately by steamer. He overtook us on the river and arrived ahead of me. It was farce,

it was tragedy. We went to my hotel. I talked, but he could not hear. I spoke of possible

happiness. The secret of happiness, he told me, is to be happy already. He did not

understand my anguish. He embraced me with a self-restraint that was humiliating. He

told me to marry Victor Cousin.

 

I fled to England. I could not bear to be in France a moment longer: my friends confirmed

my impulse. I went to London. I was received there with kindness. I was introduced to

many distinguished spirits. I met Mazzini; I met the Countess Guiccioli. My meeting with

the Countess was an uplifting occasion—we became firm friends at once—but also,

privately, a saddening one. George Sand and Chopin, the Countess Guiccioli and

Byron…would they ever say Louise Colet and Flaubert? It gave me, I confess to you

frankly, many hours of quiet grief, which I tried to bear with philosophy. What would

become ofus? What would become of me? Is it wrong, I kept asking myself, to be

ambitious in love? Is that wrong? Answer me.

 

I went to Windsor. I remember a fine round tower covered in ivy. I wandered in the park

and picked a convolvulus for Gustave. I must tell you that he was always vulgarly

ignorant about flowers. Not their botanical aspect—he probably learned all about that at

some stage, as he learned about most other things (except the heart of woman)—but their

symbolic aspect. It is such an elegant tongue, the language of flowers: supple, courtly and

precise. When the beauty of the flower resounds with the beauty of the sentiment which it

is hired to communicate…well, there is a happiness which the gift of rubies can rarely

surpass. The happiness is made the more poignant by the fact that the flower fades. But

perhaps, by the time the flower fades, he will have sent another one…

 

Gustave understood nothing of this. He was the sort of person who might, after much

hard study, have finally learnt two phrases from the language of flowers: the gladiolus,

which when placed at the centre of a bouquet indicates by the number of its blooms the

hour for which the rendezvous is set; and the petunia, which announces that a letter has

been intercepted. He would understand such rough and practical uses. Here, take this rose

(no matter what colour, though there are five different meanings for five different roses in

the language of flowers): put it first to your lips, and then place it between your thighs.

Such was the fierce gallantry of which Gustave was capable. He would not, I am sure,

have understood the significance of the convolvulus; or, if he had made any effort, he

would still have got it wrong. There are three messages which can be sent by means of

the convolvulus. A white one signifies Why are you fleeing me? A pink one signifies I

shall bind myself to you. A blue one signifies I shall wait for better days. You must guess

the colour of the flower I chose in Windsor Park.

 

Did he understand women at all? I often doubted it. We quarrelled, I remember, over that

Nilotic whore of his, Kuchuk Hanem. Gustave kept notes during his travels. I asked if I

could read them. He refused; I asked again; and so on. Finally, he let me. They are

not…pleasant, those pages. What Gustave found enchanting about the East I found

degrading. A courtesan, an expensive courtesan, who drenches herself in sandalwood oil

to cover the nauseating stench of the bedbugs with which she is infested. Is that uplifting,

 


 

I ask, is it beautiful? Is it rare, is it splendid? Or is it sordid and disgustingly ordinary?

 

But the matter is not really one of aesthetics; not here. When I expressed my distaste,

Gustave interpreted it as mere jealousy. (I was a little jealous—who would not be, when

reading the private journal of a man you love and finding in it no mention of yourself, but

instead only lush apostrophes to verminous whores?) Perhaps it was understandable that

Gustave thought I was only jealous. But listen now to his argument, listen now to his

understanding of the female heart. Do not be jealous of Kuchuk Hanem, he told me. She

is an Oriental woman; the Oriental woman is a machine; one man is the same as the next

to her. She felt nothing for me; she has already forgotten me; she lives in a drowsy round

of smoking, going to the baths, painting her eyelids and drinking coffee. As for her

physical pleasure, it must be very slight, because at an early age that famous button, the

seat of all enjoyment, has been excised.

 

Such comfort! Such consolation! I need not be jealous because she did not feel anything!

And this man claimed to understand the human heart! She was a mutilated machine, and

besides she has already forgotten him: I am meant to be comforted by that? Such

belligerent consolation made me think more, not less, about that strange woman he had

coupled with on the Nile. Could we have been more different from one another? I

Western, she Eastern; I entire, she mutilated; I exchanging the deepest bargain of the

heart with Gustave, she involved in a brief physical transaction; I a woman of

independence and resource, she a caged creature dependent on her trade with men; I

meticulous, groomed and civilised, she filthy, stinking and savage. It may sound strange,

but I became interested in her. No doubt the coin is always fascinated by its obverse.

Years later, when I travelled to Egypt, I tried to seek her out. I went to Esneh. I found the

squalid hovel where she lived, but she herself was not there. Perhaps she had fled at the

news of my coming. Perhaps it was better that we did not meet; the coin shouldn't be

allowed to see its other side.

 

Gustave used to humiliate me, of course, even from the beginning. I wasn't allowed to

write to him directly; I had to send my letters via Du Camp. I wasn't allowed to visit him

at Croisset. I wasn't allowed to meet his mother, even though I had in fact once been

introduced to her on a street corner in Paris. I happen to know that Mme Flaubert thought

her son treated me abominably.

 

He humiliated me in other ways too. He lied to me. He spoke ill of me to his friends. He

ridiculed, in the sacred name of truth, most of what I wrote. He affected not to know that

I was terribly poor. He boasted of the fact that in Egypt he had caught a disease of love

from some five-sou courtesan. He took vulgar public revenge on me by mocking in the

pages of Madame Bovary a seal I had once given him as a token of love. He who claimed

that art should be impersonal!

 

Let me tell you how Gustave would humiliate me. When our love was young, we would

exchange presents—small tokens, often meaningless in themselves, but which seemed to

enclose the very essence of their donor. He feasted for months, for years, on a small pair

of my slippers that I gave him; I expect he has burnt them by now. Once he sent me a

paperweight, the very paperweight which had sat on his desk. I was greatly touched; it

seemed the perfect gift from one writer to another: what had formerly held down his

 


 

prose would now hold down my verses. Perhaps I commented on this once too often;

perhaps I expressed my gratitude too sincerely. This is what Gustave told me: that it was

no sadness for him to get rid of the paperweight, because he had another which did the

work just as efficiently. Did I want to know what it was? If you wish, I replied. His new

paperweight, he informed me, was a section of mizzenmast—he made a gesture of

extravagant size—which his father had extracted with delivery forceps from the posterior

of an old seaman. The seaman—Gustave continued as if this were the best story he had

heard for many years—apparently claimed that he had no notion of how the section of

mast had reached the position in which it was found. Gustave threw back his head and

laughed. What intrigued him most was how, in that case, they knew from which mast the

piece of wood had come.

 

Why did he humiliate me so? It was not, I believe, as is frequently the case in love, that

those qualities which initially charmed him—my vivacity, my freedom, my sense of

equality with men—eventually came to irritate him. It was not so, because he behaved in

this strange and bearish fashion from the very beginning, even when he was most in love

with me. In his second letter he wrote, 'I have never seen a cradle without thinking of a

grave; the sight of a naked woman makes me imagine her skeleton.' These were not the

sentiments of a conventional lover.

 

Posterity, perhaps, will take the easy answer: that he contemned me because I was

contemptible, and that since he was a great genius his judgment must have been correct.

It was not so; it never is so. He feared me: that is why he was cruel to me. He feared me

in both familiar and unfamiliar ways. In the first case, he feared me as many men fear

women: because their mistresses (or their wives) understand them. They are scarcely

adult, some men: they wish women to understand them, and to that end they tell them all

their secrets; and then, when they are properly understood, they hate their women for

understanding them.

 

In the second case—the more important one—he feared me because he feared himself.

He feared that he might love me completely. It was not simply terror that I might invade

his study and his solitude; it was terror that I might invade his heart. He was cruel

because he wanted to drive me away; but he wanted to drive me away because he feared

that he might love me completely. I will tell you my secret belief: that for Gustave, in a

way he only half-apprehended, I represented life, and that his rejection of me was the

more violent because it provoked in him the deepest shame. And is any of this my fault? I

loved him; what more natural than that I should want to give him the chance to love me

back? I was fighting not just for my own sake, but for his too: I did not see why he should

not permit himself to love. He said that there were three preconditions for happiness—

stupidity, selfishness and good health—and that he was only sure of possessing the

second of these. I argued, I fought, but he wanted to believe that happiness was

impossible; it gave him some strange consolation.

 

He was a difficult man to love, that is certain. The heart was distant and withdrawn; he

was ashamed of it, wary of it. True love can survive absence, death and infidelity, he

once told me; true lovers can go ten years without meeting. (I was not impressed by such

remarks; I merely deduced that he would feel most at his ease about me if I were absent,

unfaithful or dead.) He liked to flatter himself that he was in love with me; but I never

 


 

knew a less impatient love. 'Life is like riding,' he wrote to me once. 'I used to like the

gallop; now I like the walk.' He wasn't yet thirty when he wrote that; he had already

decided to be old before his time. Whereas for me…the gallop! the gallop! the wind in

the hair, the laughter forced from the lungs!

 

It flattered his vanity to think himself in love with me; it also gave him, I believe, some

unadmitted pleasure constantly to long for my flesh and yet always to forbid himself the

attaining of it: to deny himself was just as exciting as to indulge himself. He used to tell

me I was less of a woman than most women; that I was a woman in flesh but a man in

spirit; that I was an hermaphrodite nouveau, a third sex. He told me this foolish theory

many times, but really he was just telling it to himself: the less of a woman he made me

out to be, the less of a lover he would need to be.

 

What he wanted most of me, I finally came to believe, was an intellectual partnership, an

affair of the mind. In those years he was working hard on his Bovary (though not,

perhaps, as hard as he liked to maintain) and at the end of the day, since a physical

release was too complicated for him and would contain too many things he couldn't

entirely command, he sought an intellectual release. He would sit down at a table, take a

sheet of writing paper, and discharge himself into me. You do not find the image

flattering? I did not intend it to be. The days of loyally believing false things about

Gustave are over. Incidentally, he never did baptise my breast with Mississippi water; the

only time a bottle passed between us was when I sent him some Taburel water to stop his

hair falling out.

 

But this affair of the mind was no easier, I can tell you, than our affair of the heart. He

was rough, awkward, bullying and haughty; then he was tender, sentimental, enthusiastic

and devoted. He didn't know the rules. He declined to acknowledge my ideas sufficiently,

just as he declined to acknowledge my feelings sufficiently. He did, of course, know

everything. He informed me that mentally he was aged sixty and I was a mere twenty. He

informed me that if I drank water all the time, and never wine, I should get cancer of the

stomach. He informed me that I should marry Victor Cousin. (Victor Cousin, for that

matter, was of the opinion that I should marry Gustave Flaubert.)

 

He sent me his work. He sent me 'Novembre'. It was weak and mediocre; I did not

comment, except to myself. He sent me the first Education sentimentale; I was not

greatly impressed, but how could I not praise it? He rebuked me for liking it. He sent me

his Tentation de saint Antoine; I genuinely admired it, and told him so. He rebuked me

again. The parts of his work that I admired were, he assured me, those which were easiest

to do; the alterations I cautiously suggested would, he declared, only weaken the book.

He was 'astonished' by the 'excessive enthusiasm' I had shown for the Education! So that

is how an unknown, unpublished provincial chooses to thank a celebrated Parisian poet

(with whom he claims to be in love) for her words of praise. My comments on his work

were valuable only as an irritating pretext which permitted him to lecture me on Art.

 

Of course I knew he was a genius. I always considered him a magnificent writer of prose.

He undervalued my talents, but that is no reason why I should undervalue his. I am not

like the odious Du Camp, who would proudly claim many years of friendship with

Gustave, but would always deny him genius. I have been at those dinners where the

 


 

merits of our contemporaries are discussed, and where Du Camp, as each new name was

suggested, would with infinite urbanity correct the general view. 'Well then, Du Camp,'

someone finally suggested with a little impatience, 'what about our dear Gustave?' Du

Camp smiled approvingly and patted five little fingertips against five others in a prissily

judicial manner. 'Flaubert is a writer of rare merit,' he replied, using Gustave's family

name in a manner that shocked me, 'but he is held back from being a genius by ill health.'

You would have thought he was practising for his memoirs.

 

As for my own work! Naturally, I used to send it to Gustave. He told me that my style

was soft, slack and banal. He complained that my titles were vague and pretentious, and

smelt of the blue-stocking. He lectured me like a schoolmaster on the difference between

saisir and s'en saisir. His way of praising me was to say that I wrote as naturally as a hen

laying eggs, or to remark, after he had destroyed a work with his criticisms, 'Everything I

have not marked seems to me either good or excellent.' He told me to write with the head,

and not with the heart. He told me that hair only shone after much combing, and that the

same could be said of style. He told me not to put myself into my work, and not to

poeticise things (I am a poet!). He told me I had the love of Art, but not the religion of

Art.

 

What he wanted, of course, was for me to write as much like he did as I possibly could.

This is a vanity I have often noted in writers; the more eminent the writer, the more

pronounced this vanity is likely to be. They believe that everyone should write as they do:

not as well as they do, of course, but in the same fashion. In such a way do mountains

long for foothills.

 

Du Camp used to say that Gustave did not have an ounce of feeling for poetry in him. It

gives me little pleasure to agree with him, but I do so. Gustave lectured us all on poetry—

though they were usually Bouilhet's lectures rather than his own—but he did not

understand it. He wrote no poetry himself. He used to say that he wanted to give prose

the strength and stature of poetry; but part of this project seemed to include first cutting

poetry down to size. He wanted his prose to be objective, scientific, devoid of personal

presence, devoid of opinions; so he decided that poetry ought to be written according to

the same principles. Tell me how you write love poetry which is objective, scientific, and

devoid of any personal presence. Tell me that. Gustave mistrusted feelings; he feared

love; and he elevated this neurosis into an artistic creed.

 

Gustave's vanity was more than just literary. He believed not merely that others should

write as he did, but that others should live as he did. He loved to quote Epictetus to me:

Abstain, and Hide your Life. To me! A woman, a poet, and a poet of love! He wanted all

writers to live obscurely in the provinces, ignore the natural affections of the heart,

disdain reputation, and spend solitary, backbreaking hours reading obscure texts by the

light of a tiring candle. Well, that may be the proper way to nurse genius; but it is also the

way to suffocate talent. Gustave didn't understand this, couldn't see that my talent

depended on the swift moment, the sudden feeling, the unexpected meeting: on life, that's

what I'm saying.

 

Gustave would have made me into a hermit had he been able: the hermit of Paris. Always

he would advise me not to see people; not to answer so-and-so's letter; not to take this

 


 

admirer too seriously; not to take Count X—as a lover. He claimed he was defending my

work, and that every hour spent in society was an hour subtracted from my desk. But that

is not how I worked. You cannot yoke the dragonfly and make it drive the corn-mill.

 

Of course, Gustave denied there was any vanity in him. Du Camp in one of his books—I

forget which, there were always so many—made a reference to the malign effect on man

of too much solitude: he called it a false counsellor who nurses at her breasts the twin

infants of Egotism and Vanity. Gustave naturally took this as a personal attack.

'Egotism?' he wrote to me. 'So be it. But Vanity? No. Pride is one thing: a wild beast

which lives in caves and roams the desert; Vanity, on the other hand, is a parrot which

hops from branch to branch and chatters away in full view.' Gustave imagined he was a

wild beast - he loved to think of himself as a polar bear, distant, savage and solitary. I

went along with this, I even called him a wild buffalo of the American prairie; but

perhaps he was really just a parrot.

 

You think me too harsh? I loved him; that is why I am allowed to be harsh. Listen.

Gustave despised Du Camp for wanting the Légion d'honneur. A few years later he

accepted it himself. Gustave despised salon society. Until he was taken up by the

Princesse Mathilde. Did you hear about Gustave's glove bill in the days when he was

prancing by candlelight? He owed two thousand francs to his tailor, and five hundred

francs for gloves. Five hundred francs! He received only eight hundred for the rights of

his Bovary. His mother had to sell land to bail him out. Five hundred francs for gloves!

The white bear in white gloves? No, no: the parrot, the parrot in gloves.

 

I know what they say about me; what his friends have said. They say I had the vanity to

suppose that I might marry him. But Gustave used to write me letters describing what it

would have been like if we had been married. Was I therefore wrong to hope? They say I

had the vanity to go down to Croisset and make an embarrassing scene on his doorstep.

But when I first knew him Gustave used to write frequently about my forthcoming visits

to his house. Was I therefore wrong to hope? They say I had the vanity to suppose that he

and I might one day share the authorship of some literary work. But he told me that one

of my stories was a masterpiece, and that one of my poems would move a stone. Was I

therefore wrong to hope?

 

I know too what will become of us when we are both dead. Posterity will jump to

conclusions: that is its nature. People will take Gustave's side. They will understand me

too quickly; they will turn my own generosity against me and despise me for the lovers I

took; and they will cast me as the woman who briefly threatened to interfere with the

writing of the books which they have enjoyed reading. Someone—perhaps even Gustave

himself—will burn my letters; his own (which I have carefully preserved, so much

against my own best interests) will survive to confirm the prejudices of those too lazy to

understand. I am a woman, and also a writer who has used up her allotment of renown

during her own lifetime; and on those two grounds I do not expect much pity, or much

understanding, from posterity. Do I mind? Naturally I mind. But I am not vengeful

tonight; I am resigned. I promise you. Slip your fingers down my wrist once more. There;

I told you so.

 

13: Braithwaite's Dictionary of Accepted Ideas


 

ACHILLE

Gustave's elder brother. Mournful-looking man with long beard. Inherited his job

and Christian name from his father. Achille's shouldering of family expectations

freed Gustave to become an artist. Died from softening of the brain.

 

BOUILHET, LOUIS

Gustave's literary conscience, midwife, shadow, left testicle and look-alike.

Middle name Hyacinthe. The less successful Doppelgänger that every great man

needs. Quote with mild disapproval his gallant remark to a self-conscious girl:

'When the chest is flat, one is nearer the heart.'

 

COLET, LOUISE

a) Tedious, importunate, promiscuous woman, lacking talent of her own or

understanding of the genius of others, who tried to trap Gustave into marriage.

Imagine the squawking children! Imagine Gustave miserable! Imagine Gustave

happy!

b) Brave, passionate, deeply misunderstood woman crucified by her love for the

heartless, impossible, provincial Flaubert. She rightly complained: 'Gustave never

writes to me of anything except Art—or himself.' Proto-feminist who committed

the sin of wanting to make someone else happy.

 

DU CAMP, MAXIME

Photographer, traveller, careerist, historian of Paris, Academician. Wrote with

steel nibs whereas Gustave always used a quill pen. Censored Madame Bovary for

the Revue de Paris. If Bouilhet is Gustave's literary alter ego, Du Camp is his

social one. Became a literary outcast after referring in his memoirs to Gustave's

epilepsy.

 

EPILEPSY

Stratagem enabling Flaubert the writer to sidestep a conventional career, and

Flaubert the man to sidestep life. The question is merely at what psychological

level the tactic was evolved. Were his symptoms intense psychosomatic

phenomena? It would be too banal if he merely had epilepsy.

 

FLAUBERT, GUSTAVE

The hermit of Croisset. The first modern novelist. The father of Realism. The

butcher of Romanticism. The pontoon bridge linking Balzac to Joyce. The

precursor of Proust. The bear in his lair. The bourgeois bourgeoisophobe. In

Egypt, 'the father of the Moustache'. Saint Polycarpe; Cruchard; Quarafon; le

Vicaire-Général; the Major; the old Seigneur; the Idiot of the Salons. All these

titles were acquired by a man indifferent to ennobling forms of address: 'Honours

dishonour, titles degrade, employment stupefies.'

 

GONCOURTS

Remember the Goncourts on Flaubert: 'Though perfectly frank by nature, he is

never wholly sincere in what he says he feels or suffers or loves.' Then remember

everyone else on the Goncourts: the envious, unreliable brothers. Remember

further the unreliability of Du Camp, of Louise Colet, of Flaubert's niece, of

Flaubert himself. Demand violently: how can we know anybody?

 

HERBERT, JULIET

'Miss Juliet'. The ethics of English governesses abroad in the mid-nineteenth

century have not yet received sufficient scholarly attention.

 


 

IRONY

The modern mode: either the devil's mark or the snorkel of sanity. Flaubert's

fiction poses the question: Does irony preclude sympathy? There is no entry for

ironie in his Dictionary. This is perhaps intended to be ironic.

 

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

Spent ten years writing L'Idiot de la famille when he could have been writing

Maoist tracts. A highbrow Louise Colet, constantly pestering Gustave, who

wanted only to be left alone. Conclude: 'It is better to waste your old age than to

do nothing at all with it.'

 

KUCHUK HANEM

A litmus test. Gustave had to choose sides between the Egyptian courtesan and

the Parisian poetess—bedbugs, sandalwood oil, shaven pudenda, clitoridectomy

and syphilis versus cleanliness, lyric poetry, comparative sexual fidelity and the

rights of women. He found the issue fmely balanced.

 

LETTERS

Follow Gide, and call the Letters Flaubert's masterpiece. Follow Sartre, and call

them a perfect example of free-association from a pre-Freudian couch. Then

follow your nose.

 

MME FLAUBERT

Gustave's gaoler, confidante, nurse, patient, banker and critic. She said: 'Your

mania for sentences has dried up your heart.' He found the remark 'sublime'. Cf.

George Sand.

 

NORMANDY

Always wet. Inhabited by a sly, proud, taciturn people. Put your head on one side

and remark, 'Of course, we must never forget that Flaubert came from Normandy.'

 

ORIENT

The crucible in which Madame Bovary was fired. Flaubert left Europe a

Romantic, and returned from the Orient a Realist. Cf. Kuchuk Hanem.

 

PRUSSIANS

Vandals in white gloves, clock-thieves who know Sanskrit. More horrifying than

cannibals or Communards. When the Prussians withdrew from Croisset, the house

had to be fumigated.

 

QUIXOTE, DON

Was Gustave an Old Romantic? He had a passion for the dreamy knight cast

adrift in a vulgar, materialist society. 'Madame Bovary, c'est moi' is an allusion to

Cervantes' reply when asked on his deathbed for the source of his famous hero.

Cf. Transvestism.

 

REALISM

Was Gustave a New Realist? He always publicly denied the label: 'It was because

I hated realism that I wrote Madame Bovary.' Galileo publicly denied that the

earth went round the sun.

 

SAND, GEORGE

Optimist, socialist, humanitarian. Despised until met, loved thereafter. Gustave's

second mother. After staying at Croisset she sent her complete works (in the 77volume

edition).

 

TRANSVESTISM

 


 

Gustave in young manhood: 'There are days when one longs to be a woman.'

Gustave in maturity: 'Madame Bovary, c'est moi.' When one of his doctors called

him 'an hysterical old woman', he judged the observation 'profound'.

 

USA

Flaubert's references to the Land of Liberty are sparing. Of the future he wrote: 'It

will be utilitarian, militaristic, American and Catholic—very Catholic.' He

probably preferred the Capitol to the Vatican.

 

VOLTAIRE

What did the great nineteenth-century sceptic think of the great eighteenthcentury

sceptic? Was Flaubert the Voltaire of his age? Was Voltaire the Flaubert

of his age? 'Histoire de l'esprit humain, histoire de la sottise humaine.' Which of

them said that?

 

WHORES

Necessary in the nineteenth century for the contraction of syphilis, without which

no one could claim genius. Wearers of the red badge of courage include Flaubert,

Daudet, Maupassant, Jules de Goncourt, Baudelaire, etc. Were there any writers

unafflicted by it? If so, they were probably homosexual.

 

XYLOPHONE

There is no record of Flaubert ever having heard the xylophone. Saint-Saens used

the instrument in his Danse Macabre of 1874 to suggest rattling bones; this might

have amused Gustave. Perhaps he heard the glockenspiel in Switzerland.

 

YVETOT

'See Yvetot and die.' If asked the source of this little-known epigram, smile

mysteriously and remain silent.

 

ZOLA, EMILE

Is the great writer responsible for his disciples? Who chooses whom? If they call

you Master, can you afford to despise their work? On the other hand, are they

sincere in their praise? Who needs whom more: the disciple the master, or the

master the disciple? Discuss without concluding.

 

13: Pure Story

This is a pure story, whatever you may think.

 

When she dies, you are not at first surprised. Part of love is preparing for death. You feel

confirmed in your love when she dies. You got it right. This is part of it all.

 

Afterwards comes the madness. And then the loneliness: not the spectacular solitude you

had anticipated, not the interesting martyrdom of widowhood, but just loneliness. You

expect something almost geological—vertigo in a shelving canyon—but it's not like that;

it's just misery as regular as a job. What do we doctors say? I'm deeply sorry, Mrs Blank;

there will of course be a period of mourning but rest assured you will come out of it; two

of these each evening, I would suggest; perhaps a new interest, Mrs Blank; car

maintenance, formation dancing?; don't worry, six months will see you back on the

roundabout; come and see me again any time; oh nurse, when she calls, just give her this

repeat will you, no I don't need to see her, well it's not her that's dead is it, look on the

bright side. What did she say her name was?

 


 

And then it happens to you. There's no glory in it. Mourning is full of time; nothing but

time. Bouvard and Pécuchet record in their 'Copie' a piece of advice on How to Forget

Friends Who Have Died: Trotulas (of the Salerno school) says that you should eat stuffed

sow's heart. I might yet have to fall back on this remedy. I've tried drink, but what does

that do? Drink makes you drunk, that's all it's ever been able to do. Work, they say, cures

everything. It doesn't; often, it doesn't even induce tiredness: the nearest you get to it is a

neurotic lethargy. And there is always time. Have some more time. Take your time. Extra

time. Time on your hands.

 

Other people think you want to talk. 'Do you want to talk about Ellen?' they ask, hinting

that they won't be embarrassed if you break down. Sometimes you talk, sometimes you

don't; it makes little difference. The words aren't the right ones; or rather, the right words

don't exist. 'Language is like a cracked kettle on which we beat out tunes for bears to

dance to, while all the time we long to move the stars to pity.' You talk, and you find the

language of bereavement foolishly inadequate. You seem to be talking about other

people's griefs. I loved her; we were happy; I miss her. She didn't love me; we were

unhappy; I miss her. There is a limited choice of prayers on offer: gabble the syllables.

 

'It may seem bad, Geoffrey, but you'll come out of it. I'm not taking your grief lightly; it's

just that I've seen enough of life to know that you'll come out of it.' The words you've

said yourself while scribbling a prescription (No, Mrs Blank, you could take them all and

they wouldn't kill you). And you do come out of it, that's true. After a year, after five. But

you don't come out of it like a train coming out of a tunnel, bursting through the Downs

into sunshine and that swift, rattling descent to the Channel; you come out of it as a gull

comes out of an oil-slick. You are tarred and feathered for life.

 

And still you think about her every day. Sometimes, weary of loving her dead, you

imagine her back to life again, for conversation, for approval. After his mother's death,

Flaubert used to get his housekeeper to dress up in her old check dress and surprise him

with an apocryphal reality. It worked, and it didn't work: seven years after the funeral he

would still burst into tears at the sight of that old dress moving about the house. Is this

success or failure? Remembrance or self-indulgence? And will we know when we start

hugging our grief and vainly enjoying it? 'Sadness is a vice' (1878).

 

Or else you try to sidestep her image. Nowadays, when I remember Ellen, I try to think of

a hailstorm that berated Rouen in 1853. 'A first-rate hailstorm,' Gustave commented to

Louise. At Croisset the espaliers were destroyed, the flowers cut to pieces, the kitchen

garden turned upside down. Elsewhere, harvests were wrecked, and windows smashed.

Only the glaziers were happy; the glaziers, and Gustave. The shambles delighted him: in

five minutes Nature had reimposed the true order of things upon that brief, factitious

order which man conceitedly imagines himself to be introducing. Is there anything

stupider than a melon cloche, Gustave asks. He applauds the hailstones that shattered the

glass. 'People believe a little too easily that the function of the sun is to help the cabbages

along.'

 

This letter always calms me. The function of the sun is not to help the cabbages along,

and I am telling you a pure story. She was born in 1920, married in 1940, gave birth in

1942 and 1946, died in 1975

 


 

I'll start again. Small people are meant to be neat, aren't they; but Ellen wasn't. She was

just over five feet tall, yet moved awkwardly; she ran at things and tripped. She bruised

easily, but didn't notice it. I once seized her arm as she was about to step out heedlessly

into Piccadilly, and though she was wearing a coat and blouse, the next day her arm bore

the purple imprint of a robot's pincers. She didn't comment on the bruises, and when I

pointed them out to her she couldn't remember diving towards the road.

 

I'll start again. She was a much-loved only child. She was a much-loved only wife. She

was loved, if that's the word, by what I suppose I must agree to call her lovers, though I'm

sure the word over-dignifies some of them. I loved her; we were happy; I miss her. She

didn't love me; we were unhappy; I miss her. Perhaps she was sick of being loved. At

twenty-four Flaubert said he was 'ripe—ripe before my time, that's true. But it's because

I've been reared in a hothouse.' Was she loved too much? Most people can't be loved too

much, but perhaps Ellen could. Or perhaps her concept of love was simply different: why

do we always assume it's the same for everyone else? Perhaps for Ellen love was only a

Mulberry harbour, a landing place in a heaving sea. You can't possibly live there:

scramble ashore; push on. And old love? Old love is a rusty tank standing guard over a

slabby monument: here, once, something was liberated. Old love is a row of beach huts in

November.

 

In a village pub, far from home, I once overheard two men talking about Betty Corrinder.

Perhaps the spelling isn't right; but that was the name. Betty Corrinder, Betty Corrinder—

they never said just Betty, or That Corrinder Woman or whatever, but always Betty

Corrinder. She was, it seems, a bit fast; though speed, of course, is always exaggerated by

those standing still. Fast, this Betty Corrinder was, and pubmen sniggered enviously.

'You know what they say about Betty Corrinder.' It was a statement, not a question,

though a question now followed it. 'What's the difference between Betty Corrinder and

the Eiffel Tower? Go on, what's the difference between Betty Corrinder and the Eiffel

Tower?' A pause for the last few moments of private knowledge. 'Not everyone's been up

the Eiffel Tower.'

 

I blushed for my wife two hundred miles away. Were there places she prowled where

envious men told jokes about her? I didn't know. Besides, I exaggerate. Perhaps I didn't

blush. Perhaps I didn't mind. My wife was not like Betty Corrinder, whatever Betty

Corrinder was like.

 

In 1872 there was much discussion in French literary society about the treatment that

should be accorded to the adulterous woman. Should a husband punish her, or forgive

her? Alexandre Dumas fils, in L'Homme-Femme, offered uncomplicated advice: 'Kill

her!' His book was reprinted thirty-seven times in the course of the year.

 

At first I was hurt; at first I minded, I thought less of myself. My wife went to bed with

other men: should I worry about that? I didn't go to bed with other women: should I

worry about that? Ellen was always nice to me: should I worry about that? Not nice out

of adulterous guilt, but just nice. I worked hard; she was a good wife to me. You aren't

allowed to say that nowadays, but she was a good wife to me. I didn't have affairs

because I wasn't interested enough to do so; besides, the stereotype of the philandering

doctor is somehow repugnant. Ellen did have affairs, because, I suppose, she was

 


 

interested enough. We were happy; we were unhappy; I miss her. 'Is it splendid, or

stupid, to take life seriously?' (1855).

 

What it's hard to convey is how untouched by it all she was. She wasn't corrupted; her

spirit didn't coarsen; she never ran up bills. Sometimes she stayed away a little longer

than seemed right; the length of her shopping trips often yielded suspiciously few

purchases (she wasn't that discriminating); those few days in town to catch up on the

theatres occurred more often than I would have liked. But she was honourable: she only

ever lied to me about her secret life. About that she lied impulsively, recklessly, almost

embarrassingly; but about everything else she told me the truth. A phrase used by the

prosecutor of Madame Bovary to describe Flaubert's art comes back to me: he said it was

'realistic but not discreet'.

 

Did the wife, made lustrous by adultery, seem even more desirable to the husband? No:

not more, not less. That's part of what I mean by saying that she was not corrupted. Did

she display the cowardly docility which Flaubert describes as characteristic of the

adulterous woman? No. Did she, like Emma Bovary, 'rediscover in adultery all the

platitudes of marriage'? We didn't talk about it. (Textual note. The first edition of

Madame Bovary has 'all the platitudes of her marriage'. For the edition of 1862, Flaubert

planned to drop her, and thus widen the attack of the phrase. Bouilhet advised caution—it

was only five years since the trial—and so the possessive pronoun, which indicts only

Emma and Charles, remained in the editions of 1862 and 1869. It was finally dropped,

and the more general accusation made official, in the edition of 1872.) Did she find, in

Nabokov's phrase, that adultery is a most conventional way to rise above the

conventional? I wouldn't have imagined so: Ellen didn't think in such terms. She wasn't a

defier, a conscious free spirit; she was a rusher, a lunger, a bolter, a bunker. Perhaps I

made her worse; perhaps those who forgive and dote are more irritating than they ever

suspect. 'Next to not living with those one loves, the worst torture is living with those one

doesn't love' (1847).

 

She was just over five feet; she had a broad, smooth face, with an easy pink in her

cheeks; she never blushed; her eyes—as I have told you—were greeny-blue; she wore

whatever clothes the mysterious bush-telegraph of women's fashion instructed her to

wear; she laughed easily, she bruised easily; she rushed at things. She rushed off to

cinemas we both knew to be closed; she went to winter sales in July; she would go to stay

with a cousin whose holiday postcard from Greece arrived the next morning. There was a

suddenness in these actions which argued more than desire. In L'Education sentimentale

Frédéric explains to Mme Arnoux that he took Rosanette as his mistress 'out of despair,

like someone committing suicide'. It's crafty pleading, of course; but plausible.

 

Her secret life stopped when the children came, and returned when they went to school.

Sometimes, a temporary friend might take me on one side. Why do they think you want

to know? Or rather, why do they think you don't know already—why don't they

understand about love's relentless curiosity? And why do these temporary friends never

want to tip you off about the more important thing: the fact that you're no longer loved? I

became adept at turning the conversation, at saying how much more gregarious than me

Ellen was, at hinting that the medical profession always attracts calumniators, at saying,

Did you read about those terrible floods in Venezuela? On such occasions I always felt,

 


 

perhaps wrongly, that I was being disloyal to Ellen.

 

We were happy enough; that's what people say, isn't it? How happy is happy enough? It

sounds like a grammatical mistake—happy enough, like rather unique—but it answers

the need for a phrase. And as I say, she didn't run up bills. Both Madame Bovarys (people

forget that Charles marries twice) are brought down by money; my wife was never like

that. Nor, as far as I know, did she accept gifts.

 

We were happy; we were unhappy; we were happy enough. Is despair wrong? Isn't it the

natural condition of life after a certain age? I have it now; she had it earlier. After a

number of events, what is there left but repetition and diminishment? Who wants to go on

living? The eccentric, the religious, the artistic (sometimes); those with a false sense of

their own worth. Soft cheeses collapse; firm cheeses indurate. Both go mouldy.

 

I have to hypothesise a little. I have to fictionalise (though that's not what I meant when I

called this a pure story). We never talked about her secret life. So I have to invent my

way to the truth. Ellen was about fifty when the mood began to come upon her. (No, not

that: she was always healthy; her menopause was quick, almost careless.) She had had a

husband, children, lovers, a job. The children had left home; the husband was always the

same. She had friends, and what are called interests; though unlike me she didn't have

some rash devotion to a dead foreigner to sustain her. She had travelled enough. She

didn't have unfulfilled ambitions (though 'ambition', it seems to me, is mostly too strong a

word for the impulse that makes people do things). She wasn't religious. Why go on?

 

'People like us must have the religion of despair. One must be equal to one's destiny,

that's to say impassive like it. By dint of saying "That is so! That is so!" and of gazing

down into the black pit at one's feet, one remains calm.' Ellen did not even have this

religion. Why should she? For my sake? The despairing are always being urged to abstain

from selfishness, to think of others first. This seems unfair. Why load them with

responsibility for the welfare of others, when their own already weighs them down?

 

Perhaps there was something else as well. Some people, as they grow older, seem to

become more convinced of their own significance. Others become less convinced. Is

there any point to me? Isn't my ordinary life summed up, enclosed, made pointless by

someone else's slightly less ordinary life? I'm not saying it's our duty to negate ourselves

in the face of those we judge more interesting. But life, in this respect, is a bit like

reading. And as I said before: if all your responses to a book have already been

duplicated and expanded upon by a professional critic, then what point is there to your

reading? Only that it's yours. Similarly, why live your life? Because it's yours. But what

if such an answer gradually becomes less and less convincing?

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that Ellen's secret life led her into despair. For God's

sake, her life is not a moral tale. No one's is. All I'm saying is that both her secret life and

her despair lay in the same inner chamber of her heart, inaccessible to me. I could touch

the one no more than the other. Did I try? Of course I tried. But I was not surprised when

the mood came upon her. 'To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three

requirements for happiness—though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless.' My

wife had only good health to offer.

 


 

Does life improve? On television the other night I watched the Poet Laureate asked that

question. 'The only thing I think is very good today is dentistry,' he replied; nothing else

came to mind. Mere antiquarian prejudice? I don't think so. When you are young, you

think that the old lament the deterioration of life because this makes it easier for them to

die without regret. When you are old, you become impatient with the way in which the

young applaud the most insignificant improvements—the invention of some new valve or

sprocket—while remaining heedless of the world's barbarism. I don't say things have got

worse; I merely say the young wouldn't notice if they had. The old times were good

because then we were young, and ignorant of how ignorant the young can be.

 

Does life improve? I'll give you my answer, my equivalent of dentistry. The one thing

that is very good in life today is death. There's still room for improvement, it's true. But I

think of all those nineteenth-century deaths. The deaths of writers aren't special deaths;

they just happen to be described deaths. I think of Flaubert lying on his sofa, struck

down—who can tell at this distance? - by epilepsy, apoplexy or syphilis, or perhaps some

malign axis of the three. Yet Zola called it une belle mort—to be crushed like an insect

beneath a giant finger. I think of Bouilhet in his final delirium, feverishly composing a

new play in his head and declaring that it must be read to Gustave. I think of the slow

decline of Jules de Goncourt: first stumbling over his consonants, the c's turning to t's in

his mouth; then being unable to remember the titles of his own books; then the haggard

mask of imbecility (his brother's phrase) slipping over his face; then the deathbed visions

and panics, and all night long the rasping breaths that sounded (his brother's words again)

like a saw cutting through wet wood. I think of Maupassant slowly disintegrating from

the same disease, transported in a strait jacket to the Passy sanatorium of Dr Blanche,

who kept the Paris salons entertained with news of his celebrated client; Baudelaire dying

just as inexorably, deprived of speech, arguing with Nadar about the existence of God by

pointing mutely at the sunset; Rimbaud, his right leg amputated, slowly losing all feeling

in the limbs that remained, and repudiating, amputating his own genius—'Merde pour la

poésie'; Daudet 'vaulting from forty-five to sixty-five', his joints collapsing, able to

become bright and witty for an evening by giving himself five morphine injections in a

row, tempted by suicide—'But one doesn't have the right.'

 

'Is it splendid or stupid to take life seriously?' (1855). Ellen lay with a tube in her throat

and a tube in her padded forearm. The ventilator in its white oblong box provided regular

spurts of life, and the monitor confirmed them. Of course the act was impulsive; she

bolted, she bunked from it all. 'But one doesn't have the right'? She did. She didn't even

discuss it. The religion of despair held no interest for her. The ECG trace unrolled on the

monitor; it was familiar handwriting. Her condition was stable, but hopeless. Nowadays

we don't put NTBR—Not To Be Resuscitated—on a patient's notes; some people find it

heartless. Instead we put 'No 333'. A final euphemism.

 

I looked down at Ellen. She wasn't corrupted. Hers is a pure story. I switched her off.

They asked if I wanted them to do it; but I think she would have preferred me to.

Naturally, we hadn't discussed that either. It's not complicated. You press a switch on the

ventilator, and read off the final phrase of the ECG trace: the farewell signature that ends

with a straight line. You unplug the tubes, then rearrange the hands and arms. You do it

swiftly, as if trying not to be too much trouble to the patient.

 


 

The patient. Ellen. So you could say, in answer to that earlier question, that I killed her.

You could just. I switched her off. I stopped her living. Yes.

 

Ellen. My wife: someone I feel I understand less well than a foreign writer dead for a

hundred years. Is this an aberration, or is it normal? Books say: She did this because. Life

says: She did this. Books are where things are explained to you; life is where things

aren't. I'm not surprised some people prefer books. Books make sense of life. The only

problem is that the lives they make sense of are other people's lives, never your own.

 

Perhaps I am too accepting. My own condition is stable, yet hopeless. Perhaps it's just a

question of temperament. Remember the botched brothel-visit in L'Education

sentimentale and remember its lesson. Do not participate: happiness lies in the

imagination, not the act. Pleasure is found first in anticipation, later in memory. Such is

the Flaubertian temperament. Compare the case, and the temperament, of Daudet. His

schoolboy visit to a brothel was so uncomplicatedly successful that he stayed there for

two or three days. The girls kept him concealed most of the time for fear of a police raid;

they fed him on lentils and pampered him thoroughly. He emerged from this giddying

ordeal, he later admitted, with a lifelong passion for the feel of a woman's skin, and with

a lifelong horror of lentils.

 

Some abstain and observe, fearing both disappointment and fulfilment. Others rush in,

enjoy, and take the risks: at worst, they might contract some terrible disease; at best, they

might escape with no more than a lasting aversion to pulses. I know in which camp I

belong; and I know where I'd look for Ellen.

 

Maxims for life. Les unions complètes sont rares. You cannot change humanity, you can

only know it. Happiness is a scarlet cloak whose lining is in tatters. Lovers are like

Siamese twins, two bodies with a single soul; but if one dies before the other, the survivor

has a corpse to lug around. Pride makes us long for a solution to things—a solution, a

purpose, a final cause; but the better telescopes become, the more stars appear. You

cannot change humanity, you can only know it. Les unions complètes sont rares.

 

A maxim upon maxims. Truths about writing can be framed before you've published a

word; truths about life can be framed only when it's too late to make any difference.

 

According to Salammbô, the equipment of a Carthaginian elephant driver used to include

a mallet and a chisel. If, in the midst of battle, the animal threatened to run out of control,

the driver was under orders to split its skull. The chances of this happening must have

been fairly high: to make them more ferocious, the elephants were first intoxicated with a

mixture of wine, incense and pepper, then goaded with spears.

 

Few of us have the courage to use the mallet and the chisel. Ellen did. I sometimes feel

embarrassed by people's sympathy. 'It's worse for her,' I want to say; but I don't. And

then, after they've been kind, and promised me outings as if I were a child, and brusquely

tried to make me talk for my own good (why do they think I don't know where my own

good lies?), I am allowed to sit down and dream about her a little. I think of a hailstorm

in 1853, of the broken windows, the battered harvests, the wrecked espaliers, the

shattered melon cloches. Is there anything stupider than a melon cloche? Applaud the

 


 

stones that break the glass. People understand a little too quickly the function of the sun.

The function of the sun is not to help the cabbages along.

 

14: Examination Paper

Candidates must answer four questions: both Parts of Section A, and two questions from

Section B. All marks will be awarded for the correctness of the answers; none for

presentation or handwriting. Marks will be deducted for facetious or conceitedly brief

answers. Time: three hours.

 

SECTION A: LITERARY CRITICISM

 

PART I

 

It has become clear to the examiners in recent years that candidates are finding it

increasingly difficult to distinguish between Art and Life. Everyone claims to understand

the difference, but perceptions vary greatly. For some, Life is rich and creamy, made

according to an old peasant recipe from nothing but natural products, while Art is a pallid

commercial confection, consisting mainly of artificial colourings and flavourings. For

others, Art is the truer thing, full, bustling and emotionally satisfying, while Life is worse

than the poorest novel: devoid of narrative, peopled by bores and rogues, short on wit,

long on unpleasant incidents, and leading to a painfully predictable denouement.

Adherents of the latter view tend to cite Logan Pearsall Smith: 'People say that life is the

thing; but I prefer reading.' Candidates are advised not to use this quotation in their

answers.

 

Consider the relationship between Art and Life suggested by any two of the following

statements or situations.

 

a) 'The day before yesterday, in the woods near Touques, at a charming spot near a

spring, I came across some cigar butts and some bits of pât&eactue;. There'd been a

picnic there! I'd described exactly that in Novembre eleven years ago! Then it was purely

imagined, and the other day it was experienced. Everything you invent is true: you can be

sure of that. Poetry is a subject as precise as geometry…My poor Bovary is without a

doubt suffering and weeping even now in twenty villages of France.'

—Letter to Louise Colet, August 14th, 1853

 

b) In Paris, Flaubert used a closed cab to avoid detection, and presumably seduction, by

Louise Colet. In Rouen, Léon uses a closed cab for the seduction of Emma Bovary. In

Hamburg, within a year of the publication of Madame Bovary, cabs could be hired for

sexual purposes; they were known as Bovarys.

 

c) (As his sister Caroline lay dying) 'My own eyes are as dry as marble. It's strange how

sorrows in fiction make me open up and overflow with feeling, whereas real sorrows

remain hard and bitter in my heart, turning to crystal as soon as they arise.'

—Letter to Maxime du Camp, March 15th, 1846

 

d) 'You tell me that I seriously loved that woman [Mme Schlesinger]. I didn't; it isn't true.

Only when I was writing to her, with that capacity I possess for producing feelings within

myself by means of the pen, did I take my subject seriously: but only when I was writing.

 


 

Many things which leave me cold when I see or hear about them none the less move me

to enthusiasm or irritation or pain if I talk about them myself or—particularly—if I write

about them. This is one of the effects of my mountebank nature.'

—Letter to Louise Colet, October 8th, 1846

 

e) Giuseppe Marco Fieschi (1790-1836) attained notoriety for his part in a plot on the life

of Louis Philippe. He took lodgings in the boulevard du Temple and constructed, with the

help of two members of the Société des Droits de l'Homme, an 'infernal machine',

consisting of twenty gun-barrels which could be discharged simultaneously. On July

28th, 1835, as Louis Philippe was riding past with his three sons and numerous staff,

Fieschi fired his broadside against established society.

 

Some years later, Flaubert moved into a house built on the same site in the boulevard du

Temple.

 

f) 'Yes, indeed! The period [of Napoleon III's reign] will furnish material for some capital

books. Perhaps after all, in the universal harmony of things, the coup d'état and all its

results were only intended to provide a few able penmen with some attractive scenes.'

—Flaubert reported in Du Camp, Souvenirs litteraires

 

PART II

 

Trace the mellowing of Flaubert's attitude towards critics and criticism as represented by

the following quotations:

 

 

a) 'These are the truly stupid things: 1) literary criticism, whatever it may be, good or

bad; 2) the Temperance Society…'

—Intimate Notebook

 

 

b) 'There is something so essentially grotesque about gendarmes that I cannot help

laughing at them; these upholders of the law always produce the same comic effect on me

as do attorneys, magistrates and professors of literature.'

—Over Strand and Field

 

 

c) 'You can calculate the worth of a man by the number of his enemies, and the

importance of a work of art by the amount that it is attacked. Critics are like fleas: they

love clean linen and adore any form of lace.'

—Letter to Louise Colet, June 14th, 1853

 

 

d) 'Criticism occupies the lowest rung in the hierarchy of literature: as regards form,

almost always, and as regards moral worth, incontestably. It's lower even than rhyming

games and acrostics, which at least demand a modicum of invention.'

—Letter to Louise Colet, June 28th, 1853

 

 

e) 'Critics! Eternal mediocrity living off genius by denigrating and exploiting it! Race of

cockchafers slashing the finest pages of art to shreds! I'm so fed up with typography and

the misuse people make of it that if the Emperor were to abolish all printing tomorrow, I

should walk all the way to Paris on my knees and kiss his arse in gratitude.'

—Letter to Louise Colet, July 2nd, 1853

 

 


 

f) 'How rare a sense of literature is! You'd think that a knowledge of languages,

archaeology, history, and so on, would help. But not a bit of it! Supposedly educated

people are becoming more and more inept when dealing with art. Even what art is

escapes them. They find the annotations more interesting than the text. They set more

store by the crutches than the legs.'

—Letter to George Sand, January 1st, 1869

 

g) 'How rare it is to see a critic who knows what he's talking about.'

—Letter to Eugène Fromentin, July 19th, 1876

 

h) 'Disgusted with the old style of criticism, they sought acquaintance with the new, and

sent for theatre reviews from the newspapers. What assurance! What obstinacy! What

lack of integrity! Masterpieces insulted and platitudes revered! The blunders of the

supposed scholars and the stupidity of the supposed wits!'

—Bouvard et Pécuchet

 

SECTION B

 

Economics

 

Flaubert and Bouilhet went to the same school; they shared the same ideas and the same

whores; they had the same aesthetic principles, and similar literary ambitions; each tried

the theatre as his second genre. Flaubert called Bouilhet 'my left testicle'. In 1854,

Bouilhet stayed a night in the Mantes hotel that Gustave and Louise used to patronise: 'I

slept in your bed,' he reported, 'and I shat in your latrines (what curious symbolism!).'

The poet always had to work for a living; the novelist never had to. Consider the probable

effect on their writings and reputations if their finances had been reversed.

 

Geography

 

'No more soporific atmosphere than that of this region. I suspect that it contributed

greatly to the slowness and difficulty with which Flaubert worked. When he thought he

was struggling against words, he was struggling against the sky; and perhaps in another

climate, the dryness of the air exalting his spirits, he might have been less exigent, or

have obtained his results without such efforts' (Gide, writing at Cuverville, Seine-

Maritime, January 26th, 1931). Discuss.

 

Logic (with Medicine)

 

a) Achille-Cléophas Flaubert, jousting with his younger son, asked him to explain what

literature was for. Gustave, turning the question back on his surgeon father, asked him to

explain what the spleen was for: 'You know nothing about it, and neither do I, except that

it is as indispensable to our bodily organism as poetry is to our mental organism.' Dr

Flaubert was defeated.

 

b) The spleen consists of units of lymphoid tissue (or white pulp) plus the vascular

network (or red pulp). It is important in removing from the blood old or injured red cells.

It is active in producing antibodies: splenectomised individuals produce less antibody.

There is evidence that a tetrapeptide called tuftsin is derived from protein produced in the

spleen. Though its removal, especially in childhood, increases the chances of meningitis

 


 

and septicaemia, the spleen is no longer regarded as an essential organ: it can be removed

without significant loss of active behaviour in the individual.

 

What do you conclude from this?

 

Biography (with Ethics)

 

Maxime du Camp composed the following epitaph for Louise Colet: 'She who lies here

compromised Victor Cousin, ridiculed Alfred de Musset, reviled Gustave Flaubert, and

tried to assassinate Alphonse Karr. Requiescat in pace.' Du Camp published this epitaph

in his Souvenirs litteraires. Who comes out of it better: Louise Colet or Maxime du

Camp?

 

Psychology

 

E1 was born in 1855.

E2 was partly born in 1855.

E1 had an unclouded childhood but emerged into adulthood inclined to nervous

crisis.

E2 had an unclouded childhood but emerged into adulthood inclined to nervous

crisis.

E 1 led a life of sexual irregularity in the eyes of right-thinking people.

E2 led a life of sexual irregularity in the eyes of right-thinking people.

E1 imagined herself to be in financial difficulties.

E2 knew herself to be in financial difficulties.

E1 committed suicide by swallowing prussic acid.

E2 committed suicide by swallowing arsenic.

E1 was Eleanor Marx.

• E2 was Emma Bovary.

The first English translation of Madame Bovary to be published was by Eleanor Marx.

Discuss.

Psychoanalysis

 

Speculate on the significance of this dream, noted down by Flaubert at Lamalgue in

1845: 'I dreamed that I was out walking with my mother in a great forest filled with

monkeys. The further we walked, the more of them there were. They were laughing and

leaping about in the branches of the trees. There were more and more of them; they got

bigger and bigger; they were getting in our way. They kept looking at me, and I became

 


 

frightened. They surrounded us in a big circle: one of them wanted to stroke me, and took

my hand. I shot him in the shoulder with my rifle, and made him bleed; he started

howling horribly. Then my mother said to me: "Why did you injure him, he's your friend.

What's he done to you? Can't you see that he loves you? And that he looks just like you!"

The monkey was looking at me. I felt my soul being torn apart and I woke up…feeling as

if I was at one with the animals, and fraternising with them in a tender, pantheistic

communion.'

 

Philately

 

Gustave Flaubert appeared on a French stamp (denomination 8F + 2F) in 1952. It is an

indifferent portrait 'after E. Giraud' in which the novelist—slightly Chinese in

physiognomy—has been uncharacteristically awarded a modern shirt-collar and tie. The

stamp is the lowest denomination in a series issued in aid of the National Relief Fund: the

higher denominations celebrate (in ascending order) Manet, Saint-Saens, Poincaré,

Haussmann and Thiers.

 

Ronsard was the first French writer to appear on a stamp. Victor Hugo figured on three

separate stamps between 1933 and 1936, once in a series issued in aid of the Unemployed

Intellectuals' Relief Fund. Anatole France's portrait helped this charity in 1937; Balzac's

in 1939. Daudet's mill got on a stamp in 1936. Pétainist France celebrated Frédéric

Mistral (1941) and Stendhal (1942). Saint-Exupéry, Lamartine and Châteaubriand

appeared in 1948; Baudelaire, Verlaine and Rimbaud in the decadent rush of 1951. The

latter year also brought stamp-collectors Alfred de Musset, who had succeeded Flaubert

in Louise Colet's bed,but now preceded him by one year onto the public envelope.

 

a) Should we feel slighted on Flaubert's behalf? And if so, should we feel more, or less,

slighted on behalf of Michelet (1953), Nerval (1955), George Sand (19S7), Vigny (1963),

Proust (1966), Zola (1967), Sainte-Beuve (1969), Merimee and Dumas père (1970), or

Gautier (1972)?

 

b) Estimate the chances of either Louis Bouilhet or Maxime du Camp or Louise Colet

appearing on a French stamp.

 

Phonetics

 

a) The co-proprietor of the Hôtel du Nil, Cairo, where Flaubert stayed in 185o, was called

Bouvaret. The protagonist of his first novel is called Bovary; the co-protagonist of his last

novel is called Bouvard. In his play Le Candidat there is a Comte de Bouvigny; in his

play Le Château des coeurs there is a Bouvignard. Is this all deliberate?

 

b) Flaubert's name was first misprinted by the Revue de Paris as Faubert. There was a

grocer in the rue Richelieu called Faubet. When La Presse reported the trial of Madame

Bovary, they called its author Foubert. Martine, George Sand's femme de confiance,

called him Flambart. Camille Rogier, the painter who lived in Beirut, called him Folbert:

'Do you get the subtlety of the joke?' Gustave wrote to his mother. (What is the joke?

Presumably a dual-language rendering of the novelist's self-image: Rogier was calling

him Crazy Bear.) Bouilhet also started calling him Folbert. In Mantes, where he used to

meet Louise, there was a Cafe Flambert. Is this all coincidence?

 


 

c) According to Du Camp, the name Bovary should be pronounced with a short o (as in

bother). Should we follow his instruction; and if so, why?

 

Theatrical History

 

Assess the technical difficulties involved in implementing the following stage direction

(Le Château des coeurs, Act VI, scene viii):

 

The Stock-Pot, the handles of which have been transformed into wings, rises into the air

and turns itself over, and while it increases in size so that it appears to hover over the

whole town, the vegetables—carrots, turnips and leeks—that come out of it remain

suspended in the air and turn into luminous constellations.

 

History (with Astrology)

 

Consider the following predictions of Gustave Flaubert:

 

a) (185o) 'It seems to me almost impossible that before very long England won't take

control of Egypt. Aden is already full of her troops. It couldn't be easier: just across Suez,

and one fine morning Cairo will be full of redcoats. The news will reach France a couple

of weeks later and we'll all be very surprised! Remember my prediction.'

 

b) (1852) 'As humanity perfects itself, man becomes degraded. When everything is

reduced to the mere counter-balancing of economic interests, what room will there be for

virtue? When Nature has been so subjugated that she has lost all her original forms,

where will that leave the plastic arts? And so on. In the mean time, things are going to get

very murky.'

 

c) (1870, on the outbreak of the Franco-Prussian war) 'It will mean the return of racial

conflicts. Before a century has passed we'll see millions of men killed in a single go. The

East against the West, the old world against the new. Why not?'

 

d) (1850) 'From time to time, I open a newspaper. Things seem to be proceeding at a

dizzy rate. We are dancing not on the edge of a volcano, but on the wooden seat ofa

latrine, and it seems to me more than a touch rotten. Soon society will go plummeting

down and drown in nineteen centuries of shit. There'll be quite a lot of shouting.'

 

e) (1871) 'The Internationals are the Jesuits of the future.'

 

15: And the Parrot…

And the parrot? Well, it took me almost two years to solve the Case of the Stuffed Parrot.

The letters I had written after first returning from Rouen produced nothing useful; some

of them weren't even answered. Anyone would have thought I was a crank, a senile

amateur scholar hooked-on trivia and pathetically trying to make a name for himself.

Whereas in fact the young are much crankier than the old—far more egotistical, selfdestructive

and even plain bloody odd. It's just that they get a more indulgent press.

When someone of eighty, or seventy, or fifty-four commits suicide, it's called softening

of the brain, post-menopausal depression, or a final swipe of mean vanity designed to

make others feel guilty. When someone of twenty commits suicide, it's called a highminded

refusal to accept the paltry terms on which life is offered, an act not just of

 


 

courage but of moral and social revolt. Living? The old can do that for us. Pure crankery,

of course. I speak as a doctor.

 

And while we're on the subject, I should say that the notion of Flaubert killing himself is

pure crankery as well. The crankery of a single man: a Rouennais called Edmond

Ledoux. This fantasist crops up twice in Flaubert's biography; each time all he does is

spread gossip. His first unwelcome utterance is the assertion that Flaubert actually

became engaged to Juliet Herbert. Ledoux claimed to have seen a copy of La Tentation

de saint Antoine inscribed by Gustave to Juliet with the words 'A ma fiancée'. Odd that he

saw it in Rouen, rather than in London, where Juliet lived. Odd that nobody else ever saw

this copy. Odd that it hasn't survived. Odd that Flaubert never mentioned such an

engagement. Odd that the act would run diametrically counter to what he believed in.

 

Odd, too, that Ledoux's other slanderous assertion—of suicide—also runs counter to the

writer's deepest beliefs. Listen to him. 'Let us have the modesty of wounded animals, who

withdraw into a corner and remain silent. The world is full of people who bellow against

Providence. One must, if only on the score of good manners, avoid behaving like them.'

And again, that quotation which roosts in my head: 'People like us must have the religion

of despair. By dint of saying "That is so! That is so!" and of gazing down into the black

pit at one's feet, one remains calm.'

 

Those are not the words of a suicide. They are the words of a man whose stoicism runs as

deep as his pessimism. Wounded animals don't kill themselves. And if you understand

that gazing down into the black pit engenders calm, then you don't jump into it. Perhaps

this was Ellen's weakness: an inability to gaze into the black pit. She could only squint at

it, repeatedly. One glance would make her despair, and despair would make her seek

distraction. Some outgaze the black pit; others ignore it; those who keep glancing at it

become obsessed. She chose the exact dosage: the only occasion when being a doctor's

wife seemed to help her.

 

Ledoux's account of the suicide goes like this: Flaubert hanged himself in his bath. I

suppose it's more plausible than saying that he electrocuted himself with sleeping pills;

but really…What happened was this. Flaubert got up, took a hot bath, had an apoplectic

fit, and stumbled to a sofa in his study; there he was found expiring by the doctor who

later issued the death certificate. That's what happened. End of story. Flaubert's earliest

biographer talked to the doctor concerned and that's that. Ledoux's version requires the

following chain of events: Flaubert got into his hot bath, hanged himself in some as yet

unexplained fashion, then climbed out, hid the rope, staggered to his study, collapsed on

the sofa and, when the doctor arrived, managed to die while feigning the symptoms of an

apoplectic fit. Really, it's too ridiculous.

 

No smoke without fire, they say. I'm afraid there can be. Edmond Ledoux is a prime

example of spontaneous smoke. Who was he, anyway, this Ledoux? Nobody seems to

know. He wasn't an authority on anything. He's a complete nonentity. He only exists as

the teller of two lies. Perhaps someone in the Flaubert family once did him harm (did

Achille fail to cure his bunion?) and this is his effective revenge. Because it means that

few books on Flaubert can end without a discussion—always followed by a dismissal—

of the suicide claim. As you see, it's happened all over again here. Another long

 


 

digression whose tone of moral indignation is probably counter-productive. And I

intended writing about the parrots. At least Ledoux didn't have a theory about them.

 

But I have. Not just a theory, either. As I say, it took me a good two years. No, that's

boastful: what I really mean is that two years elapsed between the question arising and

dissolving. One of the snobbier academics to whom I wrote even suggested that the

matter wasn't really of any interest at all. Well, I suppose he has to guard his territory.

Someone, however, gave me the name of M. Lucien Andrieu.

 

I decided not to write to him; after all, my letters so far hadn't proved very successful.

Instead, I made a summer trip to Rouen, in August 1982. I stayed at the Grand Hôtel du

Nord, abutting the Gros Horloge. In the corner of my room, running from ceiling to floor,

was a soil-pipe, inefficiently boxed-in, which roared at me every five minutes or so, and

appeared to carry the waste of the entire hotel. After dinner I lay on my bed listening to

the sporadic bursts of Gallic evacuation. Then the Gros Horloge struck the hour with a

loud and tinny closeness, as if it were inside my wardrobe. I wondered what the chances

of sleep might be.

 

My apprehension was misconceived. After ten o'clock, the soil-pipe went quiet; and so

did the Gros Horloge. It may be a tourist attraction in the daytime, but Rouen

thoughtfully disconnects its chimes when visitors are trying to sleep. I lay in bed on my

back with the lights out and thought about Flaubert's parrot: to Félicité, it was a grotesque

but logical version of the Holy Ghost; to me, a fluttering, elusive emblem of the writer's

voice. When Félicité lay in bed dying, the parrot came back to her, in magnified form,

and welcomed her into Heaven. As I teetered off towards sleep, I wondered what my

dreams might be.

 

They weren't about parrots. I had my railway dream instead. Changing trains at

Birmingham, some time during the war. The distant guard's van at the end of the

platform, pulling out. My suitcase rubbing at my calf. The blacked-out train; the station

dimly lit. A timetable I couldn't read, a blur of figures. No hope anywhere; no more

trains; desolation, darkness.

 

You'd think such a dream would realise when it had made its point? But dreams have no

sense of how they're going down with the dreamer, any more than they have a sense of

delicacy. The station dream—which I get every three months or so—simply repeats itself,

a loop of film endlessly rerunning, until I wake up heavychested and depressed. I awoke

that morning to the twin sounds of time and shit: the Gros Horloge and my corner soilpipe.

Time and shit: was Gustave laughing?

 

At the Hôtel-Dieu the same gaunt, white-coated gardien showed me round again. In the

medical section of the museum, I noticed something I had missed before: a do-it-yourself

enema pump. As hated by Gustave Flaubert: 'Railways, poisons, enema pumps, cream

tarts…' It consisted of a narrow wooden stool, a hollow spike and a vertical handle. You

sat astride the stool, worked your way on to the spike, and then pumped yourself full of

water. Well, at least it would give you privacy. The gardien and I had a conspiratorial

laugh; I told him I was a doctor. He smiled and went to fetch something sure to interest

me.

 


 

He returned with a large cardboard shoebox containing two preserved human heads. The

skin was still intact, though age had turned it brown: as brown as an old jar of redcurrant

jam, perhaps. Most of the teeth were in place, but the eyes and hair had not survived. One

of the heads had been re-equipped with a coarse black wig and a pair of glass eyes (what

colour were they? I can't remember; but less complicated, I'm sure, than the eyes of

Emma Bovary). This attempt to make the head more realistic had the opposite effect: it

looked like a child's horror mask, a trick-or-treat face from a joke-shop window.

 

The gardien explained that the heads were the work of Jean-Baptiste Laumonier,

predecessor of Achille-Cléophas Flaubert at the hospital. Laumonier was looking for new

methods of preserving corpses; and the city had allowed him to experiment with the

heads of executed criminals. An incident from Gustave's childhood came back to me.

Once, out on a walk with his Oncle Parain at the age of six, he had passed a guillotine

which had just been used: the cobbles were bright with blood. I mentioned this hopefully;

but the gardien shook his head. It would have been a nice coincidence, but the dates were

incompatible. Laumonier had died in 1818; besides, the two specimens in the shoebox

had not in fact been guillotined. I was shown the deep creases just below the jaw where

the hangman's noose had once tightened. When Maupassant saw Flaubert's body at

Croisset, the neck was dark and swollen. This happens with apoplexy. It's not a sign that

someone had hanged himself in the bath.

 

We continued through the museum until we reached the room containing the parrot. I

took out my Polaroid camera, and was allowed to photograph it. As I held the developing

print under my armpit, the gardien pointed out the Xeroxed letter I had noticed on my

first visit. Flaubert to Mme Brainne, July 28th, 1876: 'Do you know what I've had on my

table in front of me for the last three weeks? A stuffed parrot. It sits there on sentry duty.

The sight of it is beginning to irritate me. But I keep it there so that I can fill my head

with the idea of parrothood. Because at the moment I'm writing about the love between

an old girl and a parrot.'

 

'That's the real one,' said the gardien, tapping the glass dome in front of us. 'That's the

real one.'

 

'And the other?'

 

'The other is an impostor.'

 

'How can you be sure?'

 

'It's simple. This one comes from the Museum of Rouen.' He pointed to a round stamp on

the end of the perch, then drew my attention to a photocopied entry from the Museum

register. It recorded a batch of loans to Flaubert. Most of the entries were in some

museum shorthand which I couldn't decipher, but the loan of the Amazonian parrot was

clearly comprehensible. A series of ticks in the final column of the register showed that

Flaubert had returned every item lent to him. Including the parrot.

 

I felt vaguely disappointed. I had always sentimentally assumed—without proper

reason—that the parrot had been found among the writer's effects after his death (this

explained, no doubt, why I had secretly been favouring the Croisset bird). Of course the

 


 

photocopy didn't prove anything, except that Flaubert had borrowed a parrot from the

Museum, and that he'd returned it. The Museum stamp was a bit trickier, but not

conclusive…

 

'Ours is the real one,' the gardien repeated unnecessarily as he showed me out. It seemed

as if our roles had been reversed: he needed the reassurance, not me.

 

'I'm sure you're right.'

 

But I wasn't. I drove to Croisset and photographed the other parrot. It too sported a

Museum stamp. I agreed with the gardienne that her parrot was clearly authentic, and that

the Hôtel-Dieu bird was definitely an impostor.

 

After lunch I went to the Cimetière Monumental. 'Hatred of the bourgeois is the

beginning of all virtue,' wrote Flaubert; yet he is buried amongst the grandest families of

Rouen. During one of his trips to London he visited Highgate Cemetery and found it far

too neat: 'These people seem to have died with white gloves on.' At the Cimetière

Monumental they wear tails and full decorations, and have been buried with their horses,

dogs and English governesses.

 

Gustave's grave is small and unpretentious; in these surroundings, however, the effect is

not to make him look an artist, an anti-bourgeois, but rather to make him look an

unsuccessful bourgeois. I leaned against the railings which fence off the family plot—

even in death you can own a freehold—and took out my copy of Un coeur simple. The

description Flaubert gives of Félicité's parrot at the start of chapter four is very brief: 'He

was called Loulou. His body was green, the ends of his wings pink, his forehead blue,

and his throat golden.' I compared my two photographs. Both parrots had green bodies;

both had pink wing-tips (there was more pink in the Hôtel-Dieu version). But the blue

forehead and the golden throat: there was no doubting that they belonged to the parrot at

the Hôtel-Dieu. The Croisset parrot had it completely back to front: a golden forehead

and bluish-green throat.

 

That seemed to be it, really. All the same, I rang M. Lucien Andrieu and explained my

interests in a general way. He invited me to call the next day. As he gave me the

address—rue de Lourdines—I imagined the house he was speaking from, the solid,

bourgeois house of a Flaubert scholar. The. mansard roof pierced with an oeil-de-boeuf;

the pinkish brick, the Second Empire trimmings; inside, cool seriousness, glass-fronted

bookcases, waxed boards and parchment lampshades; I breathed a male, clubby smell.

 

My briefly-constructed house was an impostor, a dream, a fiction. The real house of the

Flaubert scholar was across the river in south Rouen, a run-down area where small

industries squat among rows of red-brick terrace houses. Lorries look too big for the

streets; there are few shops, and almost as many bars; one was offering tête de veau as its

plat du jour. Just before you get to the rue de Lourdines there is a signpost to the Rouen

abattoir.

 

Monsieur Andrieu was waiting for me on his doorstep. He was a small, elderly man

wearing a tweed jacket, tweed carpet slippers and a tweed trilby. There were three ranks

of coloured silk in his lapel. He took off his hat to shake hands, then replaced it; his head,

 


 

he explained, was rather fragile in the summer. He was to keep his tweed hat on all the

time we were in the house. Some people might have thought this a little cranky, but I

didn't. I speak as a doctor.

 

He was seventy-seven, he informed me, the secretary and oldest surviving member of the

Société des Amis de Flaubert. We sat on either side of a table in a front room whose

walls were crowded with bric-à-brac: commemorative plates, Flaubert medallions, a

painting of the Gros Horloge which M. Andrieu had done himself. It was small and

crowded, curious and personal: like a neater version of Félicité's room, or of Flaubert's

pavilion. He pointed out a cartoon portrait of himself, drawn by a friend; it showed him

as a gunslinger with a large bottle of calvados protruding from his hip pocket. I should

have asked the reason for such a ferocious characterisation of my mild and genial host;

but I didn't. Instead, I took out my copy of Enid Starkie's Flaubert: The Making of a

Master and showed him the frontispiece.

 

'C'est Flaubert, &ccdeil;a?' I asked, just for a final confirmation.

 

He chuckled.

 

'C'est Louis Bouilhet. Oui, oui, c'est Bouilhet.' It was clearly not the first time he had

been asked. I checked one or two more details with him, and then mentioned the parrots.

 

'Ah, the parrots. There are two of them.'

 

'Yes. Do you know which is the true one and which is the impostor?'

 

He chuckled again.

 

'They setup the museum at Croisset in 1905,' he replied. 'The year of my birth. Naturally,

I was not there. They gathered together what material they could find—well, you've seen

it for yourself.' I nodded. 'There wasn't much. Many things had been dispersed. But the

curator decided that there was one thing they could have, and that was Flaubert's parrot.

Loulou. So they went to the Museum of Natural History and said, Can we please have

Flaubert's parrot back. We want it for the pavilion. And the Museum said, Of course,

come with us.'

 

Monsieur Andrieu had told this story before; he knew its pauses.

 

'So, they took the curator to where they kept the reserve collection. You want a parrot?

they said. Then we go to the section of the birds. They opened the door, and they saw in

front of them…fifty parrots. Une cinquantaine de perroquets!

 

'What did they do? They did the logical thing, the intelligent thing. They came back with

a copy of Un coeur simple, and they read to themselves Flaubert's description of Loulou.'

Just as I had done the day before. 'And then they chose the parrot which looked most like

his description.

 

'Forty years later, after the last war, they started making the collection at the Hôtel-Dieu.

They in their turn went back to the Museum and said, Please can we have Flaubert's

parrot. Of course, said the Museum, take your pick, but make sure you get the right one.

 


 

So they too consulted Un coeur simple, and chose the parrot which most resembled

Flaubert's description. And that's how there are two parrots.'

 

'So the pavilion at Croisset, which had the first choice, must have the true parrot?'

 

M. Andrieu looked non-committal. He pushed his tweed trilby slightly further back on

his head. I took out my photographs. 'But if so, what about this?' I quoted the familiar

description of the parrot, and pointed to the non-conforming forehead and breast of the

Croisset version. Why should the parrot chosen second look more like the one in the book

than the parrot chosen first?

'Well. You have to remember two things. One, Flaubert was an artist. He was a writer of

the imagination. And he would alter a fact for the sake of a cadence; he was like that. Just

because he borrowed a parrot, why should he describe it as it was? Why shouldn't he

change the colours round if it sounded better?

 

'Secondly, Flaubert returned his parrot to the Museum after he'd finished writing the

story. That was in 1876. The pavilion was not set up until thirty years later. Stuffed

animals get the moth, you know. They fall apart. Félicité's did, after all, didn't it? The

stuffing came out of it.'

 

'Yes.'

 

'And perhaps they change colour with time. Of course, I am not an expert in the stuffing

of animals.'

 

'So you mean either of them could be the real one? Or, quite possibly, neither?'

 

He spread his hands slowly on the table, in a conjuror's calming gesture. I had a final

question.

 

'Are there still all those parrots left at the Museum? All fifty of them?'

 

'I don't know. I don't think so. You have to know that in the Twenties and Thirties, when

I was young, there was a great fashion for stuffed animals and birds. People had them in

their sitting-rooms. They thought they were pretty. So, a lot of museums sold off parts of

their collections which they didn't need. Why should they hold on to fifty Amazonian

parrots? They would only decay. I don't know how many they have now. I should think

the Museum got rid of most of them.'

 

We shook hands. On the doorstep M. Andrieu raised his hat to me, briefly uncovering his

fragile head to the August sun. I felt pleased and disappointed at the same time. It was an

answer and not an answer; it was an ending and not an ending. As with Félicité's final

heartbeats, the story was dying away 'like a fountain running dry, like an echo

disappearing'. Well, perhaps that's as it should be.

 

It was time to pay farewell. Like a conscientious doctor, I made the rounds of Flaubert's

three statues. What shape was he in? At Trouville his moustache still needs repair; though

the patching on his thigh now looks less conspicuous. At Barentin, his left leg is

beginning to split, there is a hole in the corner of his jacket, and a mossy discoloration

 


 

spots his upper body; I stared at the greenish marks on his chest, half-closed my eyes, and

tried to turn him into a Carthaginian interpreter. At Rouen, in the place des Carmes, he is

structurally sound, confident in his alloy of 93 per cent copper and 7 per cent tin; but he

still continues to streak. Each year he seems to cry a couple more cupreous tears, which

brightly vein his neck. This isn't inappropriate: Flaubert was always a great weeper. The

tears continue on down his body, giving him a fancy waistcoat and putting thin sidestripes

on his legs, as if he were wearing dress-trousers. This too isn't inappropriate: it's a

reminder that he enjoyed salon life as well as his Croisset retreat.

 

A few hundred yards north, at the Museum of Natural History, they took me upstairs.

This was a surprise: I'd assumed that reserve collections were always held in cellars.

Nowadays they probably have leisure centres down there instead: cafeterias and wallcharts

and video-games and everything to make learning easy. Why are they so keen to

turn learning into a game? They love to make it childish, even for adults. Especially for

adults.

 

It was a small room, perhaps eight feet by ten, with windows on the right and shelves

running away to the left. Despite a few ceiling lights, it remained quite dark, this burial

vault on the top floor. Though it wasn't, I suppose, altogether a tomb: some of these

creatures would be taken out again into the daylight, and allowed to replace moth-eaten

or unfashionable colleagues. So it was an ambivalent room, half-morgue and halfpurgatory.

It had an uncertain smell, too: somewhere between a surgery and a hardware

shop.

 

Everywhere I looked there were birds. Shelf after shelf of birds, each one covered in a

sprinkling of white pesticide. I was directed to the third aisle. I pushed carefully between

the shelves and then looked up at a slight angle. There, standing in a line, were the

Amazonian parrots. Of the original fifty only three remained. Any gaudiness in their

colouring had been dimmed by the dusting of pesticide which lay over them. They gazed

at me like three quizzical, sharp-eyed, dandruff-ridden, dishonourable old men. They did

look—I had to admit it—a little cranky. I stared at them for a minute or so, and then

dodged away.

 

Perhaps it was one of them.

 

Julian Barnes was born in Leicester, England, in 1946, was educated at Oxford

University, and now lives in London. He is the author of two previous novels, Metroland

(winner of the 1981 Somerset Maugham Award) and Before She Met Me. Mr. Barnes's

television criticism appears regularly in The Observer.