Essay on Virginia Woolf’s To the Lighthouse

         In To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf tells the story of the Ramsay family and their relationships with each other and those around them. One relationship in particular that I found to be important is that of the husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay. Their relationship seems to be quite dysfunctional, yet somehow they manage to love each other. Is it a love of power, however, or is it a love of the heart?
         Mr. Ramsay is a very domineering man. He is an egotist and a man who loves to get his way. He is well educated and holds a high position in society. All of these factors attribute to his dominance over his wife and children. In the beginning section of the novel, James, the youngest son, wishes to go to the lighthouse. Mr. Ramsay tells James he will not be able to go due to the bad weather, but Mrs. Ramsay attempts to disagree by telling James there is still hope. This angers Mr. Ramsay:

        The extraordinary irrationality of her remark, the folly of women’s minds enraged him. He had ridden through the
        valley of death, been shattered and shivered; and now, she flew in the face of facts, made his children hope what
        was utterly out of the question, in effect, told lies. He stamped his foot on the stone step. "Damn you," he said.
        (pg. 31-32)

He is angry because she is taking some of his power away. He cannot control the children if she is always opposing everything he says. He expects her to agree with him, and when she doesn’t he is angry. He is very insecure with himself, so he needs his wife to back him up and feel sorry for him when he is hurt. He always seems to be stuck on this idea that his wife, and all women for that matter, should give him sympathy anytime that he needs it. He does this repeatedly within his family, and even in the end of the story with Lily Briscoe. He feeds off of their sympathy, and it makes him feel more secure in his power: "this was one of those moments when an enormous need urged him, without being conscious what it was, to approach any woman, to force them, he did not care how, his need was so great, to give him what he wanted: sympathy" (pg.150-151). From the quote, it seems as if sympathy is like an addiction or a necessary element of life. If he doesn’t receive sympathy from a woman, than he can no longer go on living. There is an urgency in his voice - he feels that he must "force them" to give him sympathy. This is how it was in his marriage to Mrs. Ramsay. He doesn’t use physical force, but mental force to get her to do what he wants. I think that this idea of mental domination is why he assumes power over his family, forcing them to hate and fear him.
         Mrs. Ramsay is very aware that her husband has a thirst for power. She is constantly watching and observing his every move and emotion, always being careful not to step over him in any way. She is a beautiful and intelligent woman, but the constant reminder by her husband that she is a lesser person then he is becomes too much for her. She believes this, and he is triumphant.

        She did not like, even for a second, to feel finer than her husband; and further, could not bear not being entirely
        sure, when she spoke to him, of the truth of what she said. Universities and people wanting him, lectures and
        books and their being of the highest importance - all relation, and his coming to her like that, openly, so that any
        one could see, that discomposed her; for then people said that he depended on her, when they must know that
        of the two he was infinitely the more important, and what she gave the world, in comparison with what he gave,
        negligible (pg.39).

He has pushed his education at her so much that she actually believes that she is inferior. In public, she doesn’t want anyone to think that she holds any power, but at home she holds more power within the family. Her children love her, and her husband depends on her for that treasured sympathy. She truly is the powerful one, yet she doesn’t seem to see it. For one moment, at the end of the first section, she gets a taste of that power and is actually happy.

        He knew, of course he knew, that she loved him. He could not deny it. And smiling she looked out of the
        window and said (thinking to herself, Nothing on earth can equal this happiness)-
        "Yes, you were right. It’s going to be wet tomorrow. You won’t be able to go." And she looked at him
        smiling. For she had triumphed again. She had not said it: yet he knew" (pg. 124).

She realizes that his happiness relies heavily on her and her ability to sympathize and love him. I think that gives her a strong power over him, but she doesn’t seem to believe enough in herself to overcome the domination of Mr. Ramsay. She knows that their relationship is not the ideal one, but she never seems to take a step towards changing it.

        It was Augustus Carmichael shuffling past, precisely now, at the very moment when it was painful to be
        reminded of the inadequacy of human relationships, that the most perfect was flawed, and could not bear
        the examination which, loving her husband, with her instinct for truth, she turned upon it; when it was painful
        to feel herself convicted of unworthiness, and impeded in her proper function by these lies, these exaggerations -
        it was at this moment when she was fretted thus ignobly in the wake of her exaltation, that Mr. Carmichael
        shuffled past (p.40).

It is clear that she is more intelligent than Mr. Ramsay thinks, but one cannot comprehend why a knowing woman would stay with her husband in such conditions. The love that she feels for Mr. Ramsay is always clouded with doubt or issues of power, therefore it doesn’t seem like it is reasonable to endure her husband as she does. It is safe to assume that death might have been her only escape from the arms of her husband.
         The death of Mrs. Ramsay is rather strange. In the text, her death is merely mentioned as almost a side note at the end of a paragraph, and then isn’t mentioned again for many chapters. It doesn’t give much detail to how it happened, just that she had died suddenly. "Mr. Ramsay, stumbling along a passage one dark morning, stretched his arms out, but Mrs. Ramsay having died rather suddenly the night before, his arms, though stretched out, remained empty" (pg.128). It doesn’t even seem as though he mourns her at all. The description of the deaths of his two other children, Prue and Andrew, is in a similar manner. I think that this absence of description and mourning by Mr. Ramsay is a perfect example of the relationship that he had with Mrs. Ramsay and his family. He is too caught up in his own life to stop and pause for them. Not until the end of the story do you see Mr. Ramsay express a little bit of sorrow for his lost family, but even then it doesn’t seem sincere. He is speaking with Lily Briscoe before he takes Cam and James to the lighthouse, and he is looking for sympathy from Lily - almost as if he needs to feel that power that was lost rather than the people that were gone.

        "Such expeditions," said Mr. Ramsay, scraping the ground with his toe, "are very painful." Still Lily said
        nothing. (She is stock, she is a stone, he said to himself.) "They are very exhausting," he said, looking, with
        a sickly look that nauseated her (he was acting, she felt, this great man was dramatising himself), at his beautiful
        hands. It was horrible, it was indecent. Would they never come, she asked, for she could not sustain this
        enormous weight of sorrow, support these heavy draperies of grief (he had assumed a pose of extreme
        decrepitude; he even tottered a little as he stood there) a moment longer (pg. 151-152).

I think that Mr. Ramsay can only love himself.  He might have thought that he loved his wife, but in actuality it was the idea of his wife loving him that he liked the most. He plays on the heartstrings of his family and of women without care for their own feelings. Even in the end he remains the dominant figure.
        As to the question of the love between Mr. and Mrs. Ramsay being a love of power or of heart, I have to say it was one of power. There was an odd bond between them, but when reading this novel you don’t see them giving each other much affection or saying loving words to each other. Mr. Ramsay did love someone - himself. I think that Mrs. Ramsay was much more intelligent than she gave herself credit for, and that she was loved deeply by her children. One never knows why the human race endures unnecessary trials and suffers through unnecessary relationships. Here is another example of the imperfect human relationship.

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