AFTER we had supped, Mrs. Arnold politely offered to send a couple of her footmen for my son's baggage; which he at first
seemed to decline; but upon her pressing the request, he was obliged to inform her, that a stick and a wallet were all the
movable things upon this earth that he could boast of. "Why, ay, my son," cried I, "you left me but poor, and poor I find you are
come back; and yet I make no doubt you have seen a great deal of the world."-"Yes, sir," replied my son; "but travelling after
fortune is not the way to secure her; and indeed, of late I have desisted from the pursuit."-"I fancy, sir," cried Mrs. Arnold, "that
the account of your adventures would be amusing: the first part of them I have often heard from my niece; but could the
company prevail for the rest, it would be an additional obligation."

   "Madam," replied my son, "I promise you the pleasure you have in hearing, will not be half so great as my vanity in repeating
them; and yet in the whole narrative

I can scarcely promise you one adventure, as my account is rather of what I saw than what I did. The first misfortune of my life,
which you all know, was great; but, though it distressed, it could not sink me. No person ever had a better knack at hoping
than I. The less kind I found fortune at one time, the more I expected from her another, and being now at the bottom of her
wheel, every new revolution might lift, but could not depress me. I proceeded, therefore, toward London in a fine morning, no
way uneasy about to-morrow; but cheerful as the birds that carolled by the road, and comforted myself with reflecting that
London was the mart where abilities of every kind were sure of meeting distinction and reward.

   "Upon my arrival in town, sir, my first care was to deliver your letter of recommendation to our cousin, who was himself in
little better circumstances than I. My first scheme, you know, sir, was to be an usher in an academy, and I asked his advice on
the affair. Our cousin received the proposal with a true sardonic grin. 'Ay,' cried he, 'this is indeed a very pretty career that has
been chalked out for you. I have been an usher at a boarding-school myself; and may I die by an anodyne necklace, but I had
rather be an under-turnkey in Newgate. I was up early and late: I was browbeat by the master, hated for my ugly face by the
mistress, worried by the boys within, and never permitted to stir out to meet civility abroad. But are you

sure you are fit for a school? Let me examine you a little. Have you been bred apprentice to the business?'-'No.'-'Then you
won't do for a school. Can you dress the boys' hair?'-'No.'-'Then you won't do for a school. Have you had the
small-pox?'-'No.'-'Then you won't do for a school. Can you lie three in a bed?'-'No.'-'Then you will never do for a school.
Have you got a good stomach?'-'Yes.'-'Then you will by no means do for a school. No, sir, if you are for a genteel, easy
profession, bind yourself seven years as an apprentice to turn a cutler's wheel, but avoid a school by any means. 'Yet come,'
continued he, 'I see you are a lad of spirit and some learning; what do you think of commencing author, like me? You have read
in books, no doubt, of men of genius starving at the trade. At present I'll show you forty very dull fellows about town that live
by it in opulence;-all honest jogtrot men, who go on smoothly and dully, and write history and politics, and are praised; men,
sir, who, had they been bred cobblers, would all their lives have only mended shoes, but never made them.'

   "Finding that there was no great degree of gentility affixed to the character of an usher, I resolved to accept his proposal; and
having the highest respect for literature, hailed the antiqua mater of Grub Street with reverence. I thought it my glory to pursue a
track which Dryden and Otway trod before me; I considered the goddess of this region as the parent of

excellence; and however an intercourse with the world might give us good sense, the poverty she entailed I supposed to be the
true nurse of genius. Big with these reflections, I sat down, and finding that the best things remained to be said on the wrong
side, I resolved to write a book that should be wholly new. I therefore dressed up three paradoxes with some ingenuity. They
were false, indeed, but they were new. The jewels of truth have been so often imported by others, that nothing was left for me
to import, but some splendid things that, at a distance, looked every bit as well. Witness, you powers, what fancied importance
sat perched upon my quill while I was writing! The whole learned world, I made no doubt, would rise to oppose my systems;
but then I was prepared to oppose the whole learned world. Like the porcupine, I sat selfcollected, with a quill pointed against
every opposer."

   "Well said, my boy," cried I; "and what subject did you treat upon? I hope you did not pass over the importance of
monogamy. But I interrupt, go on: you published your paradoxes; well, and what did the learned world say to your
paradoxes?"

   "Sir," replied my son, "the learned world said nothing to my paradoxes; nothing at all, sir. Every man of them was employed in
praising his friends and himself, or condemning his enemies, and unfortunately, as I had neither, I suffered the cruellest
mortificationneglect.

   "As I was meditating one day in a coffee-house on the fate of my paradoxes, a little man happening to enter the room, placed
himself in the box before me, and after some preliminary discourse, finding me to be a scholar, drew out a bundle of proposals,
begging me to subscribe to a new edition he was going to give to the world of Propertius, with notes. This demand necessarily
produced a reply that I had no money; and that concession led him to inquire into the nature of my expectations. Finding that
my expectations were just as great as my purse, 'I see,' cried he, 'you are unacquainted with the town; I'll teach you a part of it.
Look at these proposals; upon these very proposals I have subsisted very comfortably for twelve years. The moment a
nobleman returns from his travels, a Creolian arrives from Jamaica, or a dowager from a country-seat, I strike for a
subscription. I first besiege their hearts with flattery, and then pour in my proposals at the breach. If they subscribe readily the
first time, I renew my request to beg a dedication fee. If they let me have that, I smite them once more for engraving their
coat-of-arms at the top. Thus,' continued he, 'I live by vanity, and laugh at it. But, between ourselves, I am too well-known; I
should be glad to borrow your face a bit: a nobleman of distinction has just returned from Italy; my face is familiar to his porter;
but if you bring this copy of verses, my life for it you succeed, and we divide the spoil."

   "Bless us, George," cried I, "and is this the employment of poets now? Do men of their exalted talents thus stoop to beggary?
Can they so far disgrace their calling as to make a vile traffic of praise for bread?"

   "Oh, no, sir," returned he, "a true poet can never be so base; for wherever there is genius there is pride. The creatures I now
describe are only beggars in rhyme. The real poet, as he braves every hardship for fame, so he is equally a coward to
contempt; and none but those who are unworthy protection condescend to solicit it.

   "Having a mind too proud to stoop to such indignities, and yet a fortune too humble to hazard a second attempt for fame, I
was now obliged to take a middle course, and write for bread. But I was unqualified for a profession where mere industry
alone was to ensure success. I could not suppress my lurking passion for applause; but usually consumed that time in efforts
after excellence which takes up but little room, when it should have been more advantageously employed in the diffusive
productions of fruitful mediocrity. My little piece would therefore come forth in the midst of periodical publications, unnoticed
and unknown. The public were more importantly employed than to observe the easy simplicity of my style, or the harmony of
my periods. Sheet after sheet was thrown off to oblivion. My essays were buried among the essays upon liberty, Eastern tales,
and cures for the bite of a mad dog;

while Philautos, Philalethes, Philelutheros, and Philanthropos, all wrote better, because they wrote faster, than I.

   "Now, therefore, I began to associate with none but disappointed authors like myself, who praised, deplored, and despised
each other. The satisfaction we found in every celebrated writer's attempt was inversely as their merits. I found that no genius in
another could please me. My unfortunate paradoxes had entirely dried up that source of comfort. I could neither read nor write
with satisfaction; for excellence in any other was my aversion, and writing was my trade.

   "In the midst of these gloomy reflections, as I was one day sitting on a bench in St. James' Park, a young gentleman of
distinction, who had been my intimate acquaintance at the university, approached me. We saluted each other with some
hesitation; he almost ashamed of being known to one who made so shabby an appearance, and I afraid of a repulse. But my
suspicions soon vanished; for Ned Thornhill was at the bottom a very good-natured fellow."

   "What did you say, George?" interrupted I, "Thornhill, was not that his name? It can certainly be no other than my
landlord."-"Bless me," cried Mrs. Arnold, "is Mr. Thornhill so near a neighbor of yours? He has long been a friend in our family,
and we expect a visit from him shortly."

   "My friend's first care," continued my son, "was to alter my appearance by a fine suit of his own clothes, and then I was
admitted to his table, upon the footing of half friend, half underling. My business was to attend him at auctions, to put him in
spirits when he sat for his picture, to take the left hand in his chariot when not filled by another, and to assist at tattering a kip,
as the phrase was, when he had a mind for a frolic. Besides this, I had twenty other little employments in the family. I was to do
many small things without bidding; to carry the corkscrew; to stand godfather to all the butler's children; to sing when I was bid;
to be never out of humor; always to be humble, and, if I could, to be very happy.

   "In this honorable post, however, I was not without a rival. A captain of marines, who was formed for the place by nature,
opposed me in my patron's affections. His mother had been laundress to a man of quality, and thus he early acquired a taste for
pimping and pedigree. As this gentleman made it a study of his life to be acquainted with lords, though he was dismissed from
several for his stupidity, yet he found many of them who were as dull as himself, that permitted his assiduities. As flattery was
his trade, he practiced it with the easiest address imaginable; but it came awkward and stiff from me; and as every day my
patron's desire of flattery increased, so every hour being better acquainted with his defects, I became

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more unwilling to give it. Thus I was once more fairly going to give up the field to the captain, when my friend found occasion
for my assistance. This was nothing less than to fight a duel for him, with a gentleman whose sister it was pretended he had used
ill. I readily complied with his request; and though I see you are displeased with my conduct, yet as it was a debt indispensably
due to friendship, I could not refuse. I undertook the affair, disarmed my antagonist, and soon after had the pleasure of finding
that the lady was only a woman of the town, and the fellow her bully and a sharper. This piece of service was repaid with the
warmest professions of gratitude; but as my friend was to leave town in a few days, he knew no other method of serving me,
but by recommending me to his uncle, Sir William Thornhill, and another nobleman of great distinction, who enjoyed a post
under the government. When he was gone, my first care was to carry his recommendatory letter to his uncle, a man whose
character for every virtue was universal, yet just. I was received by his servants with the most hospitable smiles; for the looks of
the domestics ever transmit their master's benevolence. Being shown into a grand apartment, where Sir William soon came to
me, I delivered my message and letter, which he read, and after pausing some minutes,-'Pray, sir,' cried he, 'inform me what
you have done for my kinsman, to deserve this warm recomme>

Transfer interrupted!

sir, I guess your merits, you have fought for him; and so you would expect a reward from me for being the instrument of his
vices. I wish, sincerely wish, that my present refusal may be some punishment f or your guilt; but still more, that it may be some
inducement to your repentance.'-The severity of this rebuke I bore patiently, because I knew it was just. My whole
expectations now, therefore, lay in my letter to the great man. As the doors of the nobility are almost ever beset with beggars,
all ready to thrust in some sly petition, I found it no easy matter to gain admittance. However, after bribing the servants with half
my worldly fortune, I was at last shown into a spacious apartment, my letter being previously sent up for his lordship's
inspection. During this anxious interval I had full time to look round me. Every thing was grand and of happy contrivance; the
paintings, the furniture, the gildings, petrified me with awe, and raised my idea of the owner. Ah, thought I to myself, how very
great must the possessor of all these things be, who carries in his head the business of the state, and whose house displays half
the wealth of a kingdom; sure his genius must be unfathomable! During these awful reflections I heard a step come heavily
forward. Ah, this is the great man himself! No, it was only a chamber-maid. Another foot was heard soon after. This must be
he! No, it was only the great man's valet de chambre, At last his lordship actually

made his appearance. 'Are you,' cried he, 'the bearer of this here letter?' I answered with a bow. 'I learn by this,' continued he,
'as how that'-But just at that instant a servant delivered him a card, and without taking further notice, he went out of the room,
and left me to digest my own happiness at leisure. I saw no more of him, till told by a footman that his lordship was going to his
coach at the door. Down I immediately followed, and joined my voice to that of three or four more, who came, like me, to
petition for favors. His lordship, however, went too fast for us, and was gaining his chariot door with large strides, when I
hallooed out to know if I was to have any reply. He was by this time got in, and muttered an answer, half of which only I heard,
the other half was lost in the rattling of his chariot wheels. I stood for some time with my neck stretched out, in the posture of
one that was listening to catch the glorious sounds, till, looking round me, I found myself alone at his lordship's gate.

   "My patience," continued my son, "was now quite exhausted; stung with the thousand indignities I had met with, I was willing
to cast myself away, and only wanted the gulf to receive me. I regarded myself as one of those vile things that nature designed
should be thrown by into her lumber-room, there to perish in obscurity. I had still, however, half a guinea left, and of that I
thought Fortune herself should not

deprive me; but in order to be sure of this, I was resolved to go instantly and spend it while I had it, and then trust to
occurrence for the rest. As I was going with this resolution, it happened that Mr. Crispe's office seemed invitingly open to give
me a welcome reception. In this office Mr. Crispe kindly offers all his Majesty's subjects a generous promise of thirty pounds a
year; for which promise all they give in return is their liberty for life, and permission to let him transport them to America as
slaves. I was happy at finding a place where I could lose my fears in desperation, and entered this cell, for it had the
appearance of one, with the devotion of a monastic. Here I found a number of poor creatures, all in circumstances like myself,
expecting the arrival of Mr. Crispe, presenting a true epitome of English impatience. Each untractable soul, at variance with
Fortune, wreaked her injuries on their own hearts; but Mr. Crispe at last came down, and all our murmurs were hushed. He
deigned to regard me with an air of peculiar approbation, and indeed he was the first man who for a month past had talked to
me with smiles. After a few questions, he found I was fit for every thing in the world. He paused a while upon the properest
means of providing for me, and slapping his forehead as if he had found it, assured me that there was at that time an embassy
talked of from the synod of Pennsylvania to the Chickasaw Indians, and that he would use his interest to get me

made secretary. I knew in my own heart that the fellow lied, and yet his promise gave me pleasure; there was something so
magnificent in the sound. I fairly, therefore, divided my half guinea, one-half of which went to be added to his thirty thousand
pound, and with the other half I resolved to go to the next tavern to be there more happy than he.

   "As I was going out with that resolution, I was met at the door by the captain of a ship, with whom I had formerly some little
acquaintance, and he agreed to be my companion over a bowl of punch. As I never chose to make a secret of my
circumstances, he assured me that I was upon the very point of ruin in listening to the office-keeper's promises; for that he only
designed to sell me to the plantations. 'But,' continued he, 'I fancy you might, by a much shorter voyage, be very easily put into
a genteel way of bread. Take my advice. My ship sails to-morrow for Amsterdam; what if you go in her as a passenger? The
moment you land, all you have to do is to teach the Dutchmen English, and I'll warrant you'll get pupils and money enough. I
suppose you understand English,' added he, 'by this time, or the deuce is in it.' I confidently assured him of that but expressed a
doubt whether the Dutch would be willing to learn English. He affirmed, with an oath, that they were fond of it to distraction;
and upon that affirmation I agreed with his proposal, and embarked the next day to teach the Dutch English in Holland.

The wind was fair, our voyage short, and after having paid my passage with half my movables, I found myself, as fallen from the
skies, a stranger in one of the principal streets of Amsterdam. In this situation I was unwilling to let any time pass unemployed in
teaching. I addressed myself, therefore, to two or three of those I met, whose appearance seemed most promising; but it was
impossible to make ourselves mutually understood. It was not till this very moment I recollected that, in order to teach the
Dutchmen English, it was necessary that they should first teach me Dutch. How I came to overlook so obvious an objection is
to me amazing; but certain it is I overlooked it.

   "This scheme thus blown up, I had some thoughts of fairly shipping back to England again; but falling into company with an
Irish student who was returning from Louvain, our conversation turning upon topics of literature (for, by the way, it may be
observed that I always forgot the meanness of my circumstances when I could converse upon such subjects), from him I
learned that there were not two men in his whole university who understood Greek. This amazed me. I instantly resolved to
travel to Louvain, and there live by teaching Greek; and in this design I was heartened by my brother student, who threw out
some hints that a fortune might be got by it.

   "I set boldly forward the next morning. Every day lessened the burden of my movables, like AEsop and his

basket of bread; for I paid them for my lodgings to the Dutch as I travelled on. When I came to Louvain, I was resolved not to
go sneaking to the lower professors; but openly tendered my talents to the principal himself. I went, had admittance, and
offered him my service as a master of the Greek language, which I had been told was a desideratum in this university. The
principal seemed at first to doubt my abilities; but of these I offered to convince him, by turning a part of any Greek author he
should fix upon into Latin. Finding me perfectly earnest in my proposals, he addressed me thus: 'You see me, young man,'
continued he, 'I never learned Greek, and I don't find that I have ever missed it. I have had a doctor's cap and gown without
Greek! I have ten thousand florins a year without Greek; I eat heartily without Greek; and, in short,' continued he, 'as I don't
know Greek, I do not believe there is any good in it.'

   "I was now too far from home to think of returning; so I resolved to go forward. I had some knowledge of music, with a
tolerable voice, and now turned what was once my amusement into a present means of subsistence. I passed among the
harmless peasants of Flanders, and among such of the French as were poor enough to be very merry; for I ever found them
sprightly in proportion to their wants. Whenever I approached a peasant's house toward night-fall, I played one of my most
merry tunes, and that procured me not only a lodging.

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but subsistence for the next day. I once or twice attempted to play for people of fashion; but they always thought my
performance odious, and never rewarded me even with a trifle. This was to me the more extraordinary, as whenever I used in
better days to play for company, when playing was my amusement, my music never failed to throw them into raptures, and the
ladies especially; but as it was now my only means, it was received with contempt; a proof how ready the world is to underrate
those talents by which a man is supported.

   "In this manner I proceeded to Paris, with no design but just to look about me, and then to go forward. The people of Paris
are much fender of strangers that have money than of those that have wit. As I could not boast much of either, I was no great
favorite. After walking about the town four or five days, and seeing the outside of the best houses, I was preparing to leave this
retreat of venal hospitality, when passing through one of the principal streets, whom should I meet but our cousin to whom you
first recommended me. This meeting was very agreeable to me, and I believe not displeasing to him. He inquired into the nature
of my journey to Paris, and informed me of his own business there, which was to collect pictures, medals, intaglios, and
antiques of all kinds, for a gentleman in London, who had just stepped into taste and a large fortune. I was the more surprised
at seeing our cousin

pitched upon for this office, as he himself had often assured me he knew nothing of the matter. Upon asking how he had been
taught the art of a cognoscento so very suddenly, he assured me that nothing was more easy. The whole secret consisted in a
strict adherence to two rules: the one, always to observe the picture might have been better if the painter had taken more pains;
and the other, to praise the works of Pietro Perugino. 'But,' says he, 'as I once taught you how to be an author in London, I'll
now undertake to instruct you in the art of picture-buying at Paris.'

   "With this proposal I very readily closed, as it was living, and now all my ambition was to live. I went, therefore, to his
lodgings, improved my dress by his assistance, and after some time accompanied him to auctions of pictures, where the English
gentry were expected to be purchasers. I was not a little surprised at his intimacy with people of the best fashion, who referred
themselves to his judgment upon every picture or medal, as to an unerring standard of taste. He made very good use of my
assistance upon these occasions; for when asked his opinion, he would gravely take me aside and ask mine, shrug, look wise,
return, and assure the company that he could give no opinion upon an affair of so much importance. Yet there was sometimes
an occasion for a more supported assurance. I remember to have seen him, after giving his opinion that the coloring of a picture
was not mellow enough, very

deliberately take a brush with brown varnish, that was accidentally lying by, and rub it over the piece with great composure
before all the company, and then ask if he had not improved the tints.

   "When he had finished his commission in Paris, he left me strongly recommended to several men of distinction, as a person
very proper for a travelling tutor; and after some time I was employed in that capacity by a gentleman who brought his ward to
Paris, in order to set him forward on his tour through Europe. I was to be the young gentleman's governor; but with a proviso,
that he should always be permitted to govern himself. My pupil, in fact, understood the art of guiding in money concerns much
better than I. He was heir to a fortune of about two hundred thousand pounds, left him by an uncle in the West Indies, and his
guardians, to qualify him for the management of it, had bound him apprentice to an attorney. Thus avarice was his prevailing
passion; all his questions on the road were how money might be saved; which was the least expensive course of travel; whether
any thing could be bought that would turn to account when disposed of again in London. Such curiosities on the way as could
be seen for nothing he was ready enough to look at; but if the sight of them was to be paid for he usually asserted that he had
been told they were not worth seeing. He never paid a bill that be would not observe how amazingly expensive travelling was,
and

all this though he was not yet twenty-one. When arrived at Leghorn, as we took a walk to look at the port and shipping, he
inquired the expense of the passage by sea home to England. This he was informed was but a trifle compared to his returning
by land; he was therefore unable to withstand the temptation; so paying me the small part of my salary that was due, he took
leave, and embarked with only one attendant for London.

   "I now, therefore, was left once more upon the world at large; but then it was a thing I was used to. However, my skill in
music could avail me nothing in a country where every peasant was a better musician than I; but by this time I had acquired
another talent, which answered my purpose as well, and this was a skill in disputation. In all the foreign universities and
convents there are upon certain days philosophical theses maintained against every adventitious disputant; for which, if the
champion opposes with any dexterity, he can claim a gratuity in money, a dinner, and a bed for one night. In this manner,
therefore, I fought my way towards England, walking along from city to city, examined mankind more nearly, and, if I may so
express it, saw both sides of the picture. My remarks, however, are but few; I found that monarchy was the best government
for the poor to live in, and commonwealths for the rich. I found that riches in general were in every country another name

for freedom; and that no man is so fond of liberty himself, as not to be desirous of subjecting the will of some individuals in
society to his own.

   "Upon my arrival in England I resolved to pay my respects first to you, and then to enlist as a volunteer in the first expedition
that was going forward; but on my journey down my resolutions were changed by meeting an old acquaintance, who, I found,
belonged to a company of comedians that were going to make a summer campaign in the country. The company seemed not
much to disapprove of me for an associate. They all however apprized me of the importance of the task at which I aimed; that
the public was a many-headed monster; and that only such as had very good heads could please it: that acting was not to be
learned in a day; and that without some traditional shrugs, which had been on the stage, and only on the stage, these three
hundred years, I could never pretend to please. The next difficulty was in fitting me with parts, as almost every character was in
keeping. I was driven for some time from one character to another, till at last Horatio was fixed upon, which the presence of the
present company has happily hindered me from acting."