SUMMARY : Several Contrivances of the Author to please the King and Queen. He shews his Skill in Musick. The King enquires into the State of Europe, which the Author relates to him. The King's Observations thereon.

 I  USED to attend the King's Levee once or twice a Week, and had often seen him under the Barber's Hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to behold: For the Razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary Scythe. His Majesty, according  to the Custom of the Country, was only shaved twice a Week. I once prevailed on the Barber to give me some of the Sudsor Lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the strongest Stumps of Hair. I then took a Piece of fine Wood, and cut it like the back of a Comb, making several Holes in it at equal Distance with as small a Needle as I could get from
Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the Stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my Knife toward the Points, that I made
a very tolerable Comb; which was a seasonable Supply, my own being so much broken in the Teeth, that it was almost
useless: Neither did I know any Artist in that Country so nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.

And this puts me in Mind of an Amusement wherein I spent many of my leisure Hours. I desired the Queen's Woman to
save for me the Combings of her Majesty's Hair, whereof in Time I got a good Quantity, and consulting with my Friend the
Cabinet-Maker, who had received general Orders to do little Jobbs for me, I directed him to make two Chair-Frames, no
larger than those I had in my Box, and then to bore little Holes with a fine Awl round those Parts where I designed the
Backs and Seats; through these Holes I wove the strongest Hairs I could pick out, just after the manner of Cane-Chairs in
England. When they were finished, I made a Present of them to her Majesty, who kept them in her Cabinet, and used to
shew them for Curiosities, as indeed they were the Wonder of every one that beheld them. The Queen would have had me
sit upon one of these Chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would rather die a thousand Deaths than
place a dishonourable Part of my Body on those precious Hairs that once adorned her Majesty's Head. Of these Hairs (as
I had always a Mechanical Genius) I likewise made a neat little Purse about five Foot long, with her Majesty's Name
decyphered in Gold Letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the Queen's Consent. To say the Truth, it was more for
Show than Use, being not of Strength to bear the Weight of the larger Coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some
little Toys that Girls are fond of.

The King, who delighted in Musick, had frequent Consorts at Court, to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my Box
on a Table to hear them: But, the Noise was so great, that I could hardly distinguish the Tunes. I am confident that all the
Drums and Trumpets of a Royal Army, beating and sounding together just at your Ears, could not equal it. My practice was
to have my Box removed from the Places where the Performers sat, as far as I could, then to shut the Doors and Windows
of it, and draw the Window-Curtains; after which I found their Musick not disagreeable.

I had learned in my Youth to play a little upon the Spinet Glumdalclitch kept one in her Chamber, and a Master attended
twice a Week to teach her: I call it a Spinet, because it somewhat resembled that Instrument, and was play'd upon in the
same Manner. A fancy came into my Head that I would entertain the King and Queen with an English Tune upon this
Instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: For, the Spinet was near sixty Foot long, each key being almost a Foot
wide, so that, with my Arms extended, I could not reach to above five Keys, and to press them down required a good
smart Stroak with my Fist, which would be too great a Labour, and to no Purpose. The Method I contrived was this. I
prepared two round Sticks about the Bigness of common Cudgels; they were thicker at one End than the other, and I
covered the thicker Ends with a Piece of a Mouse's Skin, that by rapping on them, I might neither damage the Tops of the
Keys, nor interrupt the Sound. Before the Spinet a Bench was placed about four Foot below the Keys, and I was put upon
the Bench. I ran sideling upon it that Way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper Keys with my two Sticks, and
made a Shift to play a Jigg, to the great Satisfaction of both their Majesties: But it was the most violent Exercise I ever
underwent, and yet I could not strike above sixteen Keys, nor, consequently, play the Bass and Treble together, as other
Artists do; which was a great Disadvantage to my Performance.

The King, who, as I before observed, was a Prince of excellent Understanding, would frequently order that I should be
brought in my Box, and set upon the Table in his Closet: He would then command me to bring one of my Chairs out of the
Box, and sit down within three Yards Distance upon the Top of the Cabinet, which brought me almost to a level with his
Face. In this Manner I had several Conversations with him. I one Day took the Freedom to tell his Majesty, that the
Contempt he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the World, did not seem answerable to those excellent Qualities
of the Mind he was Master of. That Reason did not extend it self with the Bulk of the Body: On the contrary, we observed
in our Country, that the tallest Persons were usually least provided with it. That among other Animals, Bees and Ants had
the Reputation of more Industry, Art and Sagacity, than many of the larger Kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me
to be, I hoped I might live to do his Majesty some signal Service. The King heard me with Attention, and began to conceive
a much better Opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired I would give him as exact an Account of the Government
of England, as I possibly could; because, as fond as Princes commonly are of their own Customs (for so he conjectured of
other Monarchs, by my former Discourses), he should be glad to hear of any Thing that might deserve Imitation.

Imagine with thy self, courteous Reader, how often I then wished for the Tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might
have enabled me to celebrate the Praise of my own dear native Country in a Stile equal to its Merits and Felicity.

I began my Discourse by informing his Majesty that our Dominions consisted of two Islands, which composed three mighty
Kingdoms under one Sovereign, beside our Plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the Fertility of our Soil, and the
Temperature of our Climate. I then spoke at large upon the Constitution of an English Parliament, partly made up of an
illustrious Body called the House of Peers, Persons of the noblest Blood, and of the most ancient and ample Patrimonies. I
described that extraordinary Care always taken of their Education in Arts and Arms, to qualify them for being Counsellors
born to the King and Kingdom; to have a share in the Legislature; to be Members of the highest Court of Judicature, from
whence there could be no Appeal; and to be Champions always ready for the Defence of their Prince and Country, by their
Valour, Conduct, and Fidelity. That these were the Ornament and Bulwark of the Kingdom, worthy Followers of their most
renowned Ancestors, whose Honour had been the Reward of their Virtue, from which their Posterity were never once
known to degenerate. To these we joined several holy Persons, as part of that Assembly, under the Title of Bishops, whose
peculiar Business it is to take care of Religion, and of those who instruct the People therein. These were searched, and
sought out, through the whole Nation, by the Prince and his wisest Counsellors, among such of the Priesthood as were most
deservedly distinguished by the Sanctity of their Lives, and the depth of their Erudition; who were indeed the spiritual
Fathers of the Clergy and the People.

That, the other Part of the Parliament consisted of an Assembly called the House of Commons, who were all principal
Gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by the People themselves, for their great Abilities and Love of their Country, to
represent the Wisdom of the whole Nation. And these two Bodies make up the most august Assembly in Europe, to
whom, in Conjunction with the Prince, the whole Legislature is Committed.

I then descended to the Courts of Justice, over which the Judges, those venerable Sages and Interpreters of the Law
presided, for determining the disputed Rights and Properties of Men, as well as for the Punishment of Vice, and Protection
of Innocence. I mentioned the prudent Management of our Treasury; the Valour and Atchievements of our Forces by Sea
and Land. I computed the Number of our People, by reckoning how many Millions there might be of each religious Sect, or
political Party among us. I did not omit even our Sports and Pastimes, or any other Particular which I thought might
redound to the Honour of my Country. And I finished all with a brief historical Account of Affairs and Events in England
for about an hundred Years past.

This Conversation was not ended under five Audiences, each of several Hours, and the King heard the whole with great
Attention, frequently taking Notes of what I spoke, as well as Memorandums of all Questions he intended to ask me.

When I had put an End to these long Discourses, his Majesty in a sixth Audience consulting his Notes, proposed many
Doubts, Queries, and Objections, upon every Article. He asked what Methods were used to cultivate the Minds and
Bodies of our young Nobility, and in what kind of Business they commonly spent the first and teachable Part of their Lives.
What Course was taken to supply that Assembly when any Noble Family became extinct. What Qualifications were
necessary in those who were to be created new Lords: Whether the Humour of the Prince, a Sum of Money to a Court
Lady or a Prime Minister, or a Design of strengthening a Party opposite to the publick Interest, ever happened to be
Motives in those Advancements. What Share of Knowledge these Lords had in the Laws of their Country, and how they
came by it, so as to enable them to decide the Properties of their Fellow-Subjects in the last Resort. Whether they were
always so free from Avarice, Partialities, or Want, that a Bribe, or some other sinister View, could have no Place among
them. Whether those holy Lords I spoke of were always promoted to that Rank upon account of their Knowledge in
religious Matters, and the Sanctity of their Lives, had never been Compliers with the Times while they were common
Priests, or slavish prostitute Chaplains to some Nobleman, whose Opinions they continued servilely to follow after they
were admitted into that Assembly.

He then desired to know what Arts were practiced in electing those whom I called Commoners: Whether a Stranger with a
strong Purse might not influence the vulgar Voters to choose him before their own Landlord, or the most considerable
Gentleman in the Neighbourhood. How it came to pass, that People were so violently bent upon getting into this Assembly,
which I allowed to be a great Trouble and Expense, often to the Ruin of their Families, without any Salary or Pension:
Because this appeared such an exalted Strain of Virtue and publick Spirit, that his Majesty seemed to doubt it might
possibly not be always sincere: and he desired to know whether such zealous Gentlemen could have any Views of refunding
themselves for the Charges and Trouble they were at, by sacrificing the publick Good to the Designs of a weak and vicious
Prince in Conjunction with a corrupted Ministry. He multiplied his Questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every Part of
this Head, proposing numberless Enquiries and Objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.

Upon what I said in relation to our Courts of Justice, his Majesty desired to be satisfied in several Points: And this I was the
better able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long Suit in Chancery, which was decreed for me with Costs. He
asked, what Time was usually spent in determining between Right and Wrong, and what Degree of Expence. Whether
Advocates and Orators had Liberty to plead in Causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive. Whether
Party in Religion or Politicks were observed to be of any Weight in the Scale of Justice. Whether those pleading Orators
were Persons educated in the general Knowledge of Equity, or only in provincial, national, and other local Customs.
Whether they or their Judges had any Part in penning those Laws which they assumed the Liberty of interpreting and
glossing upon at their Pleasure. Whether they had ever at different Times pleaded for and against the same Cause, and cited
Precedents to prove contrary Opinions. Whether they were a rich or a poor Corporation. Whether they received any
pecuniary Reward for pleading or delivering their Opinions. And particularly whether they were ever admitted as Members
in the lower Senate.

He fell next upon the Management of our Treasury; and said, he thought my Memory had failed me, because I computed
our Taxes at about five or six Millions a Year, and when I came to mention the Issues, he found they sometimes amounted
to more than double; for the Notes he had taken were very particular in this Point, because he hoped, as he told me, that
the Knowledge of our Conduct might be useful to him, and he could not be deceived in his Calculations. But, if what I told
him were true, he was still at a Loss how a Kingdom could run out of its Estate like a private Person. He asked me, who
were our Creditors; and where we should find Money to pay them. He wonder'd to hear me talk of such chargeable and
extensive Wars; that certainly we must be a quarrelsome People, or live among very bad Neighbours, and that our Generals
must needs be richer than our Kings. He asked what Business we had out of our own Islands, unless upon the Score of
Trade or Treaty, or to defend the Coasts with our Fleet. Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing
Army in the midst of Peace, and among a free People. He said, if we were governed by our own Consent in the Persons of
our Representatives, he could not imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my
Opinion, whether a private Man's House might not better be defended by himself, his Children, and Family, than by half a
dozen rascals picked up at a venture in the Streets, for small Wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting their
Throats.

He laughed at my odd Kind of Arithmetick (as he was pleased to call it) in reckoning the Numbers of our People by a
Computation drawn from the several Sects among us in Religion and Politicks. He said, he knew no Reason, why those
who entertain Opinions prejudicial to the Publick, should be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to conceal them.
And as it was Tyranny in any Government to require the first, so it was Weakness not to enforce the second: For a Man
may be allowed to keep poisons in his Closet, but not to vend them about for Cordials.

He observed, that among the Diversions of our Nobility and Gentry, I had mentioned Gaming. He desired to know at what
Age this Entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their Time it employed; whether it
ever went so high as to affect their Fortunes: Whether mean vicious People, by their Dexterity in that Art, might not arrive at
great Riches, and sometimes keep our very Nobles in Dependance, as well as habituate them to vile Companions, wholly
take them from the Improvement of their Minds, and force them, by the Losses they have received, to learn and practice
that infamous Dexterity upon others.

He was perfectly astonished with the historical Account I gave him of our Affairs during the last Century, protesting it was
only a Heap of Conspiracies, Rebellions, Murders, Massacres, Revolutions, Banishments, the very worst Effects that
Avarice, Faction, Hypocrisy, Perfidiousness, Cruelty, Rage, Madness, Hatred, Envy, Lust, Malice, or Ambition could
produce.

His Majesty in another Audience was at the Pains to recapitulate the Sum of all I had spoken, compared the Questions he
made with the Answers I had given; then taking me into his Hands, and stroaking me gently, delivered himself in these
Words, which I shall never forget nor the Manner he spoke them in: My little Friend Grildrig, you have made a most
admirable Panegyric upon your Country: You have clearly proved that Ignorance, Idleness, and Vice may be sometimes the
only Ingredients for qualifying a Legislator: That Laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied by those whose Interest
and Abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them. I observe among you some Lines of an Institution, which in its
Original might have been tolerable, but these half erazed, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by Corruptions. It doth not
appear from all you have said, how any one Virtue is required towards the Procurement of any one Station among you,
much less that Men are ennobled on Account of their Virtue, that Priests are advanced for their Piety or Learning, Soldiers
for their Conduct or Valour, Judges for their Integrity, Senators for the Love of their Country, or Counsellors for their
Wisdom. As for yourself, (continued the King,) who have spent the greatest Part of your Life in Travelling, I am well
disposed to hope you may hitherto have escaped many Vices of your Country. But by what I have gathered from your own
Relation, and the Answers I have with much Pain wringed and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the Bulk of your
Natives to be the most pernicious Race of little odious Vermin that Nature ever suffered to crawl upon the Surface of the
Earth.