SUMMARY: The Author permitted to see the grand Academy of Lagado. The Academy largely described. The Arts wherein the Professors employ themselves.

 THIS ACADEMY is not an entire single Building, but a Continuation of several Houses on both Sides of a Street;
which growing waste, was purchased and applyed to that Use.

 I was received very kindly by the Warden, and went for many Days to the Academy. Every Room hath in it one or
more Projectors; and I believe I could not be in fewer than five Hundred Rooms.

 The first Man I saw was of a meager Aspect, with sooty Hands and Face, his Hair and Beard long, ragged and singed
in several Places. His Cloathes, Shirt, and Skin were all of the same Colour. He had been Eight Years upon a Project for
extracting Sun-Beams out of Cucumbers, which were to be put into Vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the
Air in raw inclement Summers. He told me he did not doubt in Eight Years more he should be able to supply the
Governors Gardens with Sun-shine at a reasonable Rate; but he complained that his stock was low, and intreated me to
give him something as an Encouragement to Ingenuity, especially since this had been a very dear Season for Cucumbers.
I made him a small Present, for my Lord had furnished me with Money on Purpose, because he knew their Practice of
begging from all who go to see them.

 I went into another Chamber, but was ready to hasten back, being almost overcome with a horrible Stink. My
Conductor pressed me forward, conjuring me in a Whisper to give no Offence, which would be highly resented; and
therefore I durst not so much as stop my Nose. The Projector of this Cell was the most ancient Student of the Academy.
His Face and Beard were of a pale Yellow; his Hands and Clothes daubed over with Filth. When I was presented to
him, he gave me a close Embrace (a Compliment I could well have excused.) His Employment from his first coming into
the Academy, was an Operation to reduce human Excrement to its original Food, by separating the several Parts,
removing the Tincture which it receives from the Gall, making the Odour exhale, and scumming off the Saliva. He had a
weekly Allowance from the Society, of a Vessel filled with human Ordure about the Bigness of a Bristol Barrel.

 I saw another at work to calcine Ice into Gunpowder; who likewise shewed me a Treatise he had written concerning the
Malleability of Fire, which he intended to publish.

 There was a most ingenious Architect who had contrived a new Method for building Houses, by beginning at the Roof,
and working downwards to the Foundation; which he justified to me by the like Practice of those two prudent Insects,
the Bee and the Spider.

 There was a Man born blind, who had several Apprentices in his own Condition: Their Employment was to mix Colours
for Painters, which their Master taught them to distinguish by feeling and smelling. It was indeed my Misfortune to find
them at that Time not very perfect in their Lessons; and the Professor himself happened to be generally mistaken: This
Artist is much encouraged and esteemed by the whole Fraternity.

 In another Apartment I was highly pleased with a Projector, who had found a Device of plowing the Ground with Hogs,
to save the Charges of Plows, Cattle, and Labour. The Method in this: In an Acre of Ground you bury at six Inches
Distance, and eight deep, a Quantity of Acorns, Dates, Chestnuts, and other Maste or Vegetables whereof these
Animals are fondest; then you drive six Hundred or more of them into the Field, where in a few Days they will root up
the whole Ground in search of their Food, and make it fit for sowing, at the same time manuring it with their Dung. It is
true, upon Experiment they found the Charge and Trouble very great, and they had little or no Crop. However, it is not
doubted that this Invention may be capable of great Improvement.

 I went into another Room, where the Walls and Ceiling were all hung round with Cobwebs, except a narrow passage
for the Artist to go in and out. At my Entrance he called aloud to me not to disturb his Webs. He lamented the fatal
Mistake the World had been so long in of using Silk-Worms, while we had such plenty of domestick Insects, who
infinitely excelled the Former, because they understood how to weave as well as spin. And he proposed farther, that by
employing Spiders, the Charge of dying Silks should be wholly saved; whereof I was fully convinced when he shewed
me a vast Number of Flies most beautifully coloured, wherewith he fed his Spiders; assuring us, that the Webs would
take a Tincture from them; and as he had them of all Hues, he hoped to fit every Body's Fancy, as soon as he could find
proper Food for the Flies, of certain Gums, Oyls, and other glutinous Matter to give a Strength and Consistence to the
Threads.

 There was an Astronomer who had undertaken to place a Sun-Dial upon the great Weather-Cock on the Town-House,
by adjusting the annual and diurnal Motions of the Earth and Sun, so as to answer and coincide with all accidental
Turnings of the Wind.

 I was complaining of a small fit of the Cholick; upon which my Conductor led me into a Room, where a great Physician
resided, who was famous for curing that Disease by contrary Operations from the same Instrument. He had a large Pair
of Bellows with a long slender Muzzle of Ivory. This he conveyed eight Inches up the Anus, and drawing in the Wind, he
affirmed he could make the Guts as lank as a dried Bladder. But when the Disease was more stubborn and violent, he let
in the Muzzle while the Bellows were full of Wind, which he discharged into the Body of the Patient, then withdrew the
Instrument to replenish it, clapping his Thumb strongly against the Orifice of the Fundament; and this being repeated three
or four Times, the adventitious Wind would rush out, bringing the noxious along with it (like Water put into a Pump), and
the Patient recover. I saw him try both Experiments upon a Dog, but could not discern any Effect from the former. After
the latter, the Animal was ready to burst, and made so violent a Discharge, as was very offensive to me and my
Companions. The Dog died on the Spot, and we left the Doctor endeavouring to recover him by the same Operation.

 I visited many other Apartments, but shall not trouble my Reader with all the Curiosities I observed, being studious of
Brevity.

 I had hitherto seen only one side of the Academy, the other being appropriated to the Advancers of speculative
Learning, of which I shall say something when I have Mentioned one illustrious Person more, who is called among them
the universal Artist. He told us he had been thirty Years employing his Thoughts for the Improvement of human Life.
He had two large Rooms full of wonderful Curiosities, and fifty Men at work. Some were condensing Air into a dry
tangible Substance, by extracting the Nitre, and letting the Aqueous or fluid Particles percolate; others softening Marble
for Pillows and Pincushions; others petrifying the Hoofs of a living Horse to preserve them from foundring. The Artist
himself was at that time busy upon two great Designs; the first, to sow Land with Chaff, wherein he affirmed the true
seminal Virtue to be contained, as he Demonstrated by several Experiments which I was not skilful enough to
comprehend. The other was, by a certain Composition of Gums, Minerals, and Vegetables outwardly applied, to
prevent the Growth of Wool upon two young Lambs; and he hoped in a reasonable Time to propagate the Breed of
naked Sheep all over the Kingdom.

 We crossed a Walk to the other Part of the Academy, where, as I have already said, the Projectors in speculative
Learning resided.

 The first Professor I saw was in a very large Room, with forty Pupils about him. After Salutation, observing me to look
earnestly upon a Frame, which took up the greatest part of both the Length and Breadth of the Room, he said perhaps I
might wonder to see him employed in a Project for improving speculative Knowledge by practical and mechanical
Operations. But the World would soon be sensible of its Usefulness, and he flattered himself that a more noble exalted
Thought never sprung in any other Man's Head. Every one knew how laborious the usual Method is of attaining to Arts
and Sciences; whereas by his Contrivance, the most ignorant Person at a reasonable Charge, and with a little bodily
Labour, may write Books in Philosophy, Poetry, Politicks, Law, Mathematicks and Theology, without the least
Assistance from Genius or Study. He then led me to the Frame, about the Sides whereof all his Pupils stood in Ranks. It
was twenty Foot Square, placed in the middle of the Room. The Superficies was composed of several bits of Wood,
about the bigness of a Dye, but some larger than others. They were all linked together by slender Wires. These bits of
Wood were covered on every Square with Paper pasted on them, and on these Papers were written all the Words of
their Language, in their several Moods, Tenses, and Declensions, but without any Order. The Professor then desired me
to observe, for he was going to set his Engine at Work. The Pupils at his Command took each of them hold of an Iron
Handle, whereof there were fourty fixed round the Edges of the Frame, and giving them a sudden turn, the whole
Disposition of the Words was entirely changed. He then commanded six and thirty of the Lads to read the several Lines
softly as they appeared upon the Frame; and where they found three or four Words together that might make part of a
Sentence, they dictated to the four remaining Boys who were Scribes. This Work was repeated three or four Times, and
at every turn the Engine was so contrived that the Words shifted into new Places, as the Square bits of Wood moved
upside down.

                                  Plate V: The Literary Engine

 Six Hours a-day the young Students were employed in this Labour, and the Professor shewed me several Volumes in
large Folio already collected, of broken Sentences, which he intended to piece together, and out of those rich Materials
to give the World a compleat Body of all Arts and Sciences; which however might be still improved, and much
expedited, if the Publick would raise a Fund for making and employing five hundred such Frames in Lagado, and oblige
the Managers to contribute in common their several Collections.

 He assured me, that this Invention had employed all his Thoughts from his Youth, that he had emptyed the whole
Vocabulary into his Frame, and made the strictest Computation of the general Proportion there is in Books between the
Numbers of Particles, Nouns, and Verbs, and other Parts of Speech.

 I made my humblest Acknowledgments to this illustrious Person for his great Communicativeness, and promised if ever I
had the good Fortune to return to my Native Country, that I would do him Justice, as the sole Inventer of this wonderful
Machine; the Form and Contrivance of which I desired Leave to delineate upon Paper, as in the Figure here annexed. I
told him, although it were the Custom of our Learned in Europe to steal Inventions from each other, who had thereby at
least this Advantage, that it became a Controversy which was the right Owner, yet I would take such Caution, that he
should have the Honour entire without a Rival.

 We next went to the School of Languages, where three Professors sate in Consultation upon improving that of their own
country.

The first Project was to shorten Discourse by cutting Polysyllables into one, and leaving out Verbs and Participles,
because in reality all things imaginable are but Nouns.

 The other, was a Scheme for entirely abolishing all Words whatsoever; and this was urged as a great Advantage in Point
of Health as well as Brevity. For it is plain, that every Word we speak is in some Degree a Diminution of our Lungs by
Corrosion, and consequently contributes to the shortning of our Lives. An Expedient was therefore offered, that since
Words are only Names for Things, it would be more convenient for all Men to carry about them, such Things as were
necessary to express the particular Business they are to discourse on. And this Invention would certainly have taken
Place, to the great Ease as well as Health of the Subject, if the Women in conjunction with the Vulgar and Illiterate had
not threatned to raise a Rebellion, unless they might be allowed the Liberty to speak with their Tongues, after the manner
of their Ancestors; such constant irreconcilable Enemies to Science are the common People. However, many of the most
Learned and Wise adhere to the New Scheme of expressing themselves by Things, which hath only this Inconvenience
attending it, that if a Man's Business be very great, and of various kinds, he must be obliged in Proportion to carry a
greater bundle of Things upon his Back, unless he can afford one or two strong Servants to attend him. I have often
beheld two of those Sages almost sinking under the Weight of their Packs, like Pedlars among us; who, when they met in
the Streets, would lay down their Loads, open their Sacks, and hold Conversation for an Hour together; then put up
their Implements, help each other to resume their Burthens, and take their Leave.

 But for short Conversations a Man may carry Implements in his Pockets and under his Arms, enough to supply him, and
in his House he cannot be at a loss: Therefore the Room where Company meet who practise this Art, is full of all Things
ready at Hand, requisite to furnish Matter for this kind of artificial Converse.

 Another great Advantage proposed by this Invention, was that it would serve as a Universal Language to be understood
in all civilized Nations, whose Goods and Utensils are generally of the same kind, or nearly resembling, so that their Uses
might easily be comprehended. And thus Embassadors would be qualified to treat with foreign Princes or Ministers of
State to whose Tongues they were utter Strangers.

 I was at the Mathematical School, where the Master taught his Pupils after a Method scarce imaginable to us in
Europe. The Proposition and Demonstration were fairly written on a thin Wafer, with ink composed of a Cephalick
Tincture. This the Student was to swallow upon a fasting Stomach, and for three Days following eat nothing but Bread
and Water. As the Wafer digested, the Tincture mounted to his Brain, bearing the Proposition along with it. But the
Success hath not hitherto been answerable, partly by some Error in the Quantum or Composition, and partly by the
Perverseness of Lads, to whom this Bolus is so nauseous, that they generally steal aside, and discharge it upwards
before it can operate, neither have they been yet persuaded to use so long an Abstinence as the Prescription required.