The Chaos

by G. Nolst Trenite' a.k.a. "Charivarius" 1870 – 1946

Dearest Creature in creation

Studying English pronunciation,

I will teach you in my verse

Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,

Make your head with heat grow dizzy;

Tear in eye your dress you'll tear;

Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,

Make my coat look new, dear sew it!

Just compare heart, beard and heard,

Dies and diet, Lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain

(Mind the latter how it is written);

Made has not the sound of bade,

Say, said, pay, laid but not plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you

With such words as vague and ague,

But be careful how you speak,

Say gush, bush, steak, streak, break,

bleak,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,

Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir,

Woven, oven, how and low,

Script, receipts, shoe, poem, toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,

Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore

Typhoid, measles, topsail, aisles

Exiles, similes, reviles,

Holy, holly, signal, signing

Same, examining but mining

Scholar, vicar, but cigar,

Solar, mica, war, and far,

From “desire” desirable,

admirable from “admire”,

Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,

Topsham, Brougham, renown, but

known.

Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none,

tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,

Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,

Gertrude, German, wind, and mind

Scene, Melpomene, mankind,

tortoise, Turquoise, Chamois-leather

Reading, Reading, heathen, heather,

This phonetic labyrinth

Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Billet does not end like ballet,

Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.

Blood and flood are not like wood,

Nor is mould, like should and could.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,

Which doesn’t exactly rhyme with

khaki.

Discount, viscount, load and broad,

Towards, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?

Right! Your pronunciation’s O.K.

Transcription

dɪəɾəst kɾiːtʃə in kɾieiʃən

stʌdiːiŋ ɪŋlɪʃ prənʊnsieiʃən

ai wil tiːtʃ juː in mai vɜːs

saʊnz laik kɔːps kɔː hɔːs

ənd wɜːs

ai wil kiːp juː suzi bizi

meik jɔː hed wið hiːt ɡɾəʊ

diziː

tiə in ai jɔː dres jəl teə

kwiə feə siə hiə mai preə

prei kənsəʊl jɔː lʌviŋ pəʊət

meik mai kəʊt lʊk njuːw diə səʊ(w) it

ʤʌst kəmpeə haːt biəd

ənd hɜːd

daiz ənd daiət lɔːd and wɜːd

sɔːd ənd swɔːd ritein ənd

britən

maind ðə lætə haʊ it iz ritən

meid həz nɒt ðə saʊnd əv bæd

sei sed pei leid bʌt nɒt plæd

naʊ ai ʃɔːli wil nɒt pleig ju

wið sʌtʃ wɜːdz əz veig ənd

eigju

bʌt biː keəfʊl haʊ ju spiːk

sei gʌʃ bʊʃ steik striːk breik

bliːk

priːviəs preʃəs fʊkʃiə vaiə

resipiː paip stʊnsei kwaiə

wəʊvən ʌvən haʊ ənd ləʊ

skript risiːts ʃuː pəʊim təʊ

hiə miː sei divɔid əv trikəri

dɔːtə laːftəˑnd

tepsikari

taifɔid miːzəlz tɒpsəl ailz

eksailz similiːz rivailz

həʊli hɒli signəl sainiŋ

seim iksæminiŋ bʌt mainiŋ

skɒlə vikə bʌt sigaː

səʊlə maikə wɔː(r) ənd faː

frəm dizaiə dəzairəb(ə)l

ədmaiɾəb(ə)l frəm ədmaiə

lʌɱbə plʌmə biə bʌt briər

tɒpʃəm brau(w)əm rinaʊn bʌt

nəʊn

nɒliʤ dʌn ləʊn gɒn nʌn

təʊn

wʌn ænemoni bælmɒrəl

kitʃin litʃən lɔːndri lɒrəl

gɜːtruːd ʤɜːmən wind ənd maind

siːn melpɒməni mænkaind

tɔːtəs tɜːkwɔiz ʃæmwʌ

leðə

riːdiŋ rediŋ hiːðən heðə

ðis fənetik læbərinθ

givz mɒs grəʊz brʊk brəʊtʃ

nainθ plinθ

bilet dʌz nɒt end laik balei

buːkei wɒlit mælit ʃælei

blʌd ənd flʌd aː nɒt laik wʊd

nɔː(r) iz məʊld laik ʃʊd ənd kud

bænkwit iz nɒt nɪɘliː paːkei

witʃ dʌzənt igsækli raim wið

kaːki

diskaʊnt viskaʊnt ləʊd ənd brɔːd

təwəːdz tə fɔːwəd tə riwɔːd

rikəʃeid ənd krɒtʃətiŋ

krəʊkei

rait jɔː prənʊnsieiʃənz əʊ kei

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