.
Chapter 10
We had a great deal of close
conversation that night, for we neither of us slept much; he was as penitent
for having put all those cheats upon me as if it had been felony, and that
he was going to execution; he offered me again every shilling of the money
he had about him, and said he would go into the army and seek the world
for more.
I asked him why he would
be so unkind to carry me into Ireland, when I might suppose he could
not have subsisted me there. He took me in his arms. ‘My dear,’ said
he, ‘depend upon it, I never designed to go to Ireland at all,
much less to have carried you thither, but came hither to be out of the
observation of the people, who had heard what I pretended to, and withal,
that nobody might ask me for money before I was furnished to supply them.’
‘But where, then,’ said I, ‘were we to have gone
next?’
‘Why, my dear,’ said he, ‘I’ll confess the whole
scheme to you as I had laid it; I purposed here to ask you something about
your estate, as you see I did, and when you, as I expected you would, had
entered into some account with me of the particulars, I would have made
an excuse to you to have put off our voyage to Ireland for some
time, and to have gone first towards London.
‘Then, my dear,’ said he,
‘I resolved to have confessed all the circumstances of my own affairs to
you, and let you know I had indeed made use of these artifices to obtain
your consent to marry me, but had now nothing to do but ask to your pardon,
and to tell you how abundantly, as I have said above, I would endeavour
to make you forget what was past, by the felicity of the days to come.’
‘Truly,’ said I to him,
‘I find you would soon have conquered me; and it is my affliction now,
that I am not in a condition to let you see how easily I should have been
reconciled to you, and have passed by all the tricks you had put upon me,
in recompense of so much good-humour. But, my dear,’ said I, ‘what
can we do now? We are both undone, and what better are we for our being
reconciled together, seeing we have nothing to live on?’
We proposed a great many things,
but nothing could offer where there was nothing to begin with. He begged
me at last to talk no more of it, for, he said, I would break his
heart; so we talked of other things a little, till at last he took a husband’s
leave of me, and so we went to sleep.
He rose before me in the morning;
and indeed, having lain awake almost all night, I was very sleepy, and
lay till near eleven o’clock. In this time he took his horses and three
servants, and all his linen and baggage, and away he went, leaving a short
but moving letter for me on the table, as follows:—
‘MY DEAR— I am a dog; I have abused you; but I have been drawn into
do it by a base creature, contrary to my principle and the general practice
of my life. Forgive me, my dear! I ask your pardon with the greatest sincerity;
I am the most miserable of men, in having deluded you. I have been so happy
to posses you, and now am so wretched as to be forced to fly from you.
Forgive me, my dear; once more I say, forgive me! I am not able to see
you ruined by me, and myself unable to support you. Our marriage is nothing;
I shall never be able to see you again; I here discharge you from it; if
you can marry to your advantage, do not decline it on my account; I here
swear to you on my faith, and on the word of a man of honour, I will never
disturb your repose if I should know of it, which, however, is not likely.
On the other hand, if you should not marry, and if good fortune should
befall me, it shall be all yours, wherever you are.
I have put some of the stock of money I have left into your pocket;
take places for yourself and your maid in the stage-coach, and go for London;
I hope it will bear your charges thither, without breaking into your own.
Again I sincerely ask your pardon, and will do so as often as I shall ever
think of you. Adieu, my dear, for ever!— I am, your most affectionately,
J.E.
Nothing that ever befell me
in my life sank so deep into my heart as this farewell. I reproached him
a thousand times in my thoughts for leaving me, for I would have gone with
him through the world, if I had begged my bread. I felt in my pocket, and
there found ten guineas, his gold watch, and two little rings, one a small
diamond ring worth only about 6 l, and the other a plain gold ring.
I sat me down and looked upon
these things two hours together, and scarce spoke a word, till my maid
interrupted me by telling me my dinner was ready. I ate but little, and
after dinner I fell into a vehement fit of crying, every now and then calling
him by his name, which was James. ‘O Jemy!’ said I, ‘come
back, come back. I’ll give you all I have; I’ll beg, I’ll starve with
you.’ And thus I ran raving about the room several times, and then sat
down between whiles, and then walking about again, called upon him to come
back, and then cried again; and thus I passed the afternoon, till about
seven o’clock, when it was near dusk, in the evening, being August,
when, to my unspeakable surprise, he comes back into the inn, but without
a servant, and comes directly up into my chamber.
I was in the greatest confusion
imaginable, and so was he too. I could not imagine what should be the occasion
of it, and began to be at odds with myself whether to be glad or sorry;
but my affection byassed all the rest, and it was impossible to conceal
my joy, which was too great for smiles, for it burst out into tears. He
was no sooner entered the room but he ran to me and took me in his arms,
holding me fast, and almost stopping my breath with his kisses, but spoke
not a word. At length I began. ‘My dear,’ said I, ‘how could you
go away from me?’ to which he gave no answer, for it was impossible for
him to speak.
When our ecstasies were a little
over, he told me he was gone about fifteen miles, but it was not in his
power to go any farther without coming back to see me again, and to take
his leave of me once more.
I told him how I had passed
my time, and how loud I had called him to come back again. He told
me he heard me very plain upon Delamere Forest, at a place about
twelve miles off. I smiled. ‘Nay,’ says he, ‘do not
think I am in jest, for if ever I heard your voice in my life, I heard
you call me aloud, and sometimes I thought I saw you running after me.’
‘Why,’ said I, ‘what did I say?’—for I had not named the words to him.
‘You called aloud,’ says he, ‘and said, O Jemy! O Jemy! come back, come
back.’
I laughed at him. ‘My dear,’
says
he, ‘do not laugh, for, depend upon it, I heard your voice as plain
as you hear mine now; if you please, I’ll go before a magistrate and make
oath of it.’ I then began to be amazed and surprised, and indeed frightened,
and told him what I had really done, and how I had called after him, as
above.
When we had amused ourselves
a while about this, I said to him: ‘Well, you shall go away from me no
more; I’ll go all over the world with you rather.’ He told me it
would be very difficult thing for him to leave me, but since it must be,
he hoped I would make it as easy to me as I could; but as for him, it would
be his destruction that he foresaw.
However, he told me that he
considered he had left me to travel to London alone, which was too
long a journey; and that as he might as well go that way as any way else,
he was resolved to see me safe thither, or near it; and if he did go away
then without taking his leave, I should not take it ill of him; and this
he made me promise.
He told me how he had dismissed
his three servants, sold their horses, and sent the fellows away to seek
their fortunes, and all in a little time, at a town on the road, I know
not where. ‘And,’ says he, ‘it cost me some tears all alone by myself,
to think how much happier they were than their master, for they could go
to the next gentleman’s house to see for a service, whereas,’ said he,
‘I knew not wither to go, or what to do with myself.’
I told him I was so completely
miserable in parting with him, that I could not be worse; and that now
he was come again, I would not go from him, if he would take me with him,
let him go whither he would, or do what he would. And in the meantime I
agreed that we would go together to London; but I could not be brought
to consent he should go away at last and not take his leave of me, as he
proposed to do; but told him, jesting, that if he did, I would call him
back again as loud as I did before. Then I pulled out his watch and gave
it him back, and his two rings, and his ten guineas; but he would not take
them, which made me very much suspect that he resolved to go off upon the
road and leave me.
The truth is, the circumstances
he was in, the passionate expressions of his letter, the kind, gentlemanly
treatment I had from him in all the affair, with the concern he showed
for me in it, his manner of parting with that large share which he gave
me of his little stock left—all these had joined to make such impressions
on me, that I really loved him most tenderly, and could not bear the thoughts
of parting with him.
Two days after this we quitted
Chester,
I in the stage-coach, and he on horseback. I dismissed my maid at Chester.
He was very much against my being without a maid, but she being a servant
hired in the country, and I resolving to keep no servant at London,
I
told him it would have been barbarous to have taken the poor wench and
have turned her away as soon as I came to town; and it would also have
been a needless charge on the road, so I satisfied him, and he was easy
enough on the score.
He came with me as far as Dunstable,
within thirty miles of London, and then he told me fate and his
own misfortunes obliged him to leave me, and that it was not convenient
for him to go to London, for reasons which it was of no value to
me to know, and I saw him preparing to go. The stage-coach we were in did
not usually stop at Dunstable, but I desiring it but for a quart
of an hour, they were content to stand at an Inn-Door a while, and we went
into the house.
Being in the inn, I told him
I had but one Favour more to as of him, and that was, that since he could
not go any farther, he would give me leave to stay a week or two in the
town with him, that we might in that time think of something to prevent
such a ruinous thing to us both, as a final separation would be; and that
I had something of moment to offer him, that I had never said yet, and
which perhaps he might find practicable to our mutual advantage.
This was too reasonable a proposal
to be denied, so he called the landlady of the house, and told her
his wife was taken ill, and so ill that she could not think of going any
farther in the stage-coach, which had tired her almost to death, and asked
if she could not get us a lodging for two or three days in a private house,
where I might rest me a little, for the journey had been too much for me.
The landlady, a good sort of woman, well-bred and very obliging, came immediately
to see me; told me she had two or three very good rooms in a part
of the house quite out of the noise, and if I saw them, she did not doubt
but I would like them, and I should have one of her maids, that should
do nothing else but be appointed to wait on me. This was so very kind,
that I could not but accept of it, and thank her; so I went to look on
the rooms and liked them very well, and indeed they were extraordinarily
furnished, and very pleasant lodgings; so we paid the stage-coach, took
out our baggage, and resolved to stay here a while.
Here I told him I would
live with him now till all my money was spent, but would not let him spend
a shilling of his own. We had some kind squabble about that, but I told
him it was the last time I was like to enjoy his company, and I desired
he would let me be master in that thing only, and he should govern in everything
else; so he acquiesced.
Here one evening, taking a walk
into the fields, I told him I would now make the proposal to him
I had told him of; accordingly I related to him how I had lived in Virginia,
that I had a mother I believed was alive there still, though my husband
was dead some years. I told him that had not my effects miscarried,
which, by the way, I magnified pretty much, I might have been fortune good
enough to him to have kept us from being parted in this manner. Then I
entered into the manner of peoples going over to those countries to settle,
how they had a quantity of land given them by the Constitution of the place;
and if not, that it might be purchased at so easy a rate this it was not
worth naming.
I then gave him a full and distinct
account of the nature of planting; how with carrying over but two or three
hundred pounds value in English goods, with some servants and tools,
a man of application would presently lay a foundation for a family, and
in a very few years be certain to raise an estate.
I let him into the nature of
the product of the earth; how the ground was cured and prepared, and what
the usual increase of it was; and demonstrated to him, that in a very few
years, with such a beginning, we should be as certain of being rich as
we were now certain of being poor.
He was surprised at my discourse;
for we made it the whole subject of our conversation for near a week together,
in which time I laid it down in black and white, as we say, that
it was morally impossible, with a supposition of any reasonable good conduct,
but that we must thrive there and do very well.
Then I told him what measures
I would take to raise such a sum of 300 l or thereabouts; and I
argued with him how good a method it would be to put an end to our misfortunes
and restore our circumstances in the world, to what we had both expected;
and I added, that after seven years, if we lived, we might be in a posture
to leave our plantations in good hands, and come over again and receive
the income of it, and live here and enjoy it; and I gave him examples of
some that had done so, and lived now in very good circumstances in London.
In short, I pressed him so to
it, that he almost agreed to it, but still something or other broke it
off again; till at last he turned the tables, and he began to talk almost
to the same purpose of Ireland.
He told me that a man that could
confine himself to country life, and that could find but stock to enter
upon any land, should have farms there for 50 l a year, as good
as were here let for 200 l a year; that the produce was such, and
so rich the land, that if much was not laid up, we were sure to live as
handsomely upon it as a gentleman of 3000 l a year could do in England
and that he had laid a scheme to leave me in London, and go over
and try; and if he found he could lay a handsome foundation of living suitable
to the respect he had for me, as he doubted not he should do, he would
come over and fetch me.
I was dreadfully afraid that
upon such a proposal he would have taken me at my word, viz. to
sell my little income as I called it, and turn it into money, and let him
carry it over into Ireland and try his experiment with it; but he
was too just to desire it, or to have accepted it if I had offered it;
and he anticipated me in that, for he added, that he would go and try his
fortune that way, and if he found he could do anything at it to live, then,
by adding mine to it when I went over, we should live like ourselves; but
that he would not hazard a shilling of mine till he had made the experiment
with a little, and he assured me that if he found nothing to be done in
Ireland,
he would then come to me and join in my project for Virginia.
He was so earnest upon his project
being to be tried first, that I could not withstand him; however, he promised
to let me hear from him in a very little time after his arriving there,
to let me know whether his prospect answered his design, that if there
was not a possibility of success, I might take the occasion to prepare
for our other voyage, and then, he assured me, he would go with me to America
with all his heart.
I could bring him to nothing
further than this. However, those consultations entertained us near a month,
during which I enjoyed his company, which indeed was the most entertaining
that ever I met in my life before. In this time he let me into the whole
story of his own life, which was indeed surprising, and full of an infinite
variety sufficient to fill up a much brighter history, for its adventures
and incidents, than any I ever say in print; but I shall have occasion
to say more of him hereafter.
We parted at last, though with
the utmost reluctance on my side; and indeed he took his leave very unwillingly
too, but necessity obliged him, for his reasons were very good why he would
not come to London, as I understood more fully some time afterwards.
I gave him a direction how to
write to me, though still I reserved the grand secret, and never broke
my resolution, which was not to let him ever know my true name, who I was,
or where to be found; he likewise let me know how to write a letter to
him, so that, he said, he would be sure to receive it.
I came to London the
next day after we parted, but did not go directly to my old lodgings; but
for another nameless reason took a private lodging in St. John’s Street,
or, as it is vulgarly called, St. Jones’s, near Clarkenwell;
and here, being perfectly alone, I had leisure to sit down and reflect
seriously upon the last seven months’ ramble I had made, for I had been
abroad no less. The pleasant hours I had with my last husband I looked
back on with an infinite deal of pleasure; but that pleasure was very much
lessened when I found some time after that I was really with child.
This was a perplexing thing,
because of the difficulty which was before me where I should get leave
to lie in; it being one of the nicest things in the world at that time
of day for a woman that was a stranger, and had no friends, to be entertained
in that circumstance without security, which, by the way, I had not, neither
could I procure any.
I had taken care all this while
to preserve a correspondence with my honest friend at the bank, or rather
he took care to correspond with me, for he wrote to me once a week; and
though I had not spent my money so fast as to want any from him, yet I
often wrote also to let him know I was alive. I had left directions in
Lancashire,
so that I had these letters, which he sent, conveyed to me; and during
my recess at St. Jones’s received a very obliging letter from him,
assuring me that his process for a divorce from his wife went on with success,
though he met with some difficulties in it that he did not expect.
I was not displeased with the
news that his process was more tedious than he expected; for though I was
in no condition to have him yet, not being so foolish to marry him when
I knew myself to be with child by another man, as some I know have ventured
to do, yet I was not willing to lose him, and, in a word, resolved to have
him if he continued in the same mind, as soon as I was up again; for I
saw apparently I should hear no more from my husband; and as he had all
along pressed to marry, and had assured me he would not be at all disgusted
at it, or ever offer to claim me again, so I made no scruple to resolve
to do it if I could, and if my other friend stood to his bargain; and I
had a great deal of reason to be assured that he would stand to it, by
the letters he wrote to me, which were the kindest and most obliging that
could be.
I now grew big, and the people
where I lodged perceived it, and began to take notice of it to me, and,
as far as civility would allow, intimated that I must think of removing.
This put me to extreme perplexity, and I grew very melancholy, for indeed
I knew not what course to take. I had money, but no friends, and was like
to have a child upon my hands to keep, which was a difficult I had never
had upon me yet, as the particulars of my story hitherto make appear.
In the course of this affair
I fell very ill, and my melancholy really increased my distemper; my illness
proved at length to be only an ague, but my apprehensions were really that
I should miscarry. I should not say apprehensions, for indeed I would have
been glad to miscarry, but I could never be brought to entertain so much
as a thought of endeavouring to miscarry, or of taking any thing to make
me miscarry; I abhorred, I say, so much as the thought of it.
However, speaking of it in the
house, the gentlewoman who kept the house proposed to me to send for a
midwife. I scrupled it at first, but after some time consented to it, but
told her I had no particular acquaintance with any midwife, and so left
it to her.
It seems the mistress of the
house was not so great a stranger to such cases as mine was as I thought
at first she had been, as will appear presently, and she sent for a midwife
of the right sort—that is to say, the right sort for me.
The woman appeared to be an
experienced woman in her business, I mean as a midwife; but she had another
calling too, in which she was as expert as most women if not more. My landlady
had told her I was very melancholy, and that she believed that had done
me harm; and once, before me, said to her, ‘Mrs. B—’ (meaning
the midwife), ‘I believe this lady’s trouble is of a kind that is pretty
much in your way, and therefore if you can do anything for her, pray do,
for she is a very civil gentlewoman’; and so she went out of the room.
I really did not understand
her, but my Mother Midnight began very seriously to explain what she mean,
as soon as she was gone. ‘Madam,’ says she, ‘you seem not to understand
what your landlady means; and when you do understand it, you need not let
her know at all that you do so.
‘She means that you are under some circumstances that
may render your lying in difficult to you, and that you are not willing
to be exposed. I need say no more, but to tell you, that if you think fit
to communicate so much of your case to me, if it be so, as is necessary,
for I do not desire to pry into those things, I perhaps may be in a position
to help you and to make you perfectly easy, and remove all your dull thoughts
upon that subject.’
Every word this creature said
was a cordial to me, and put new life and new spirit into my heart; my
blood began to circulate immediately, and I was quite another body; I ate
my victuals again, and grew better presently after it. She said a great
deal more to the same purpose, and then, having pressed me to be free with
her, and promised in the solemnest manner to be secret, she stopped a little,
as if waiting to see what impression it made on me, and what I would say.
I was to sensible too the want
I was in of such a woman, not to accept her offer; I told her my
case was partly as she guessed, and partly not, for I was really married,
and had a husband, though he was in such fine circumstances and so remote
at that time, as that he could not appear publicly.
She took me short, and told
me that was none of her business; all the ladies that came under her
care were married women to her. ‘Every woman,’ she says, ‘that is
with child has a father for it,’ and whether that father was a husband
or no husband, was no business of hers; her business was to assist me in
my present circumstances, whether I had a husband or no. ‘For, madam,’
says
she, ‘to have a husband that cannot appear, is to have no husband in
the sense of the case; and, therefore, whether you are a wife or a mistress
is all one to me.’
I found presently, that whether
I
was a whore or a wife, I was to pass for a whore here, so I let that go.
I told her it was true, as she said, but that, however, if I must
tell her my case, I must tell it her as it was; so I related it to her
as short as I could, and I concluded it to her thus. ‘I trouble you
with all this, madam,’ said I, ‘not that, as you said before, it
is much to the purpose in your affair, but this is to the purpose,
namely,
that I am not in any pain about being seen, or being public or concealed,
for ’tis perfectly indifferent to me; but my difficulty is, that I have
no acquaintance in this part of the nation.’
‘I understand you, madam’ says she; ‘you have
no security to bring to prevent the parish Impertinences usual in such
cases, and perhaps,’ says she, ‘do not know very well how to dispose
of the child when it comes.’ ‘The last,’ says I, ‘is not so much
my concern as the first.’ ‘Well, madam,’ answered the midwife, ‘dare
you put yourself into my hands? I live in such a place; though I do not
inquire after you, you may inquire after me. My name is B—; I live in such
a street’—naming the street—’ at the sign of the Cradle. My profession
is a midwife, and I have many ladies that come to my house to lie in. I
have given security to the parish in general terms to secure them from
any charge from whatsoever shall come into the world under my roof. I have
but one question to ask in the whole affair, madam,’ says she, ‘and
if that be answered you shall be entirely easy for all the rest.’
I presently understood what
she meant, and told her, ‘Madam, I believe I understand you. I thank
God, though I want friends in this part of the world, I do not want
money, so far as may be necessary, though I do not abound in that neither’:
this I added because I would not make her expect great things. ‘Well, madam,’
says
she, ‘that is the thing indeed, without which nothing can be done in
these cases; and yet,’ says she, ‘you shall see that I will not
impose upon you, or offer anything that is unkind to you, and if you desire
it, you shall know everything beforehand, that you may suit yourself to
the occasion, and be neither costly or sparing as you see fit.’
I told her she seemed
to be so perfectly sensible of my condition, that I had nothing to ask
of her but this, that as I had told her that I had money sufficient, but
not a great quantity, she would order it so that I might be at as little
superfluous charge as possible.
She replied that she
would bring in an account of the expenses of it in two or three shapes,
and like a bill of fare, I should choose as I pleased; and I desired
her to do so.
The next day she brought it,
and the copy of her three bills was a follows.
I looked upon all three bills,
and smiled, and told her I did not see but that she was very reasonable
in her demands, all things considered, and for that I did not doubt but
her accommodations were good.
She told me I should
be judge of that when I saw them. I told her I was sorry to tell
her that I geared I must be her lowest- rated customer. ‘And perhaps,
madam,’ said I, ‘you will make me the less welcome upon that account.’
‘No, not at all,’ said she; ‘for where I have one of the third sort
I have two of the second, and four to one of the first, and I get as much
by them in proportion as by any; but if you doubt my care of you, I will
allow any friend you have to overlook and see if you are well waited on
or no.’
Then she explained the particulars
of her bill. ‘In the first place, madam,’
said she, ‘I would have
you observe that here is three months’ keeping; you are but ten shillings
a week; I undertake to say you will not complain of my table. I suppose,’
says
she, ‘you do not live cheaper where you are now?’ ‘No, indeed,’
said
I, ‘not so cheap, for I give six shillings per week for my chamber,
and find my own diet as well as I can, which costs me a great deal more.’
