CHAPTER 13
"BY WATCHING my only visitor, my uncle's friend, or by some other
means, Mr. Venables discovered my residence, and came to enquire for me. The
maid-servant assured him there was no such person in the house. A bustle
ensued--I caught the alarm--listened--distinguished his voice, and immediately
locked the door. They suddenly grew still; and I waited near a quarter of an
hour, before I heard him open the parlour door, and mount the stairs with the
mistress of the house, who obsequiously declared that she knew nothing of me.
"Finding my door locked, she requested me to open it, and prepare to
go home with my husband, poor gentleman! to whom I had already occasioned
sufficient vexation.' I made no reply. Mr. Venables then, in an assumed tone of
softness, intreated me, 'to consider what he suffered, and my own reputation,
and get the better of childish resentment.' He ran on in the same strain,
pretending to address me, but evidently adapting his discourse to the capacity
of the landlady; who, at every pause, uttered an exclamation of pity; or 'Yes,
to be sure--Very true, sir.'
"Sick of the farce, and perceiving that I could not avoid the hated
interview, I opened the door, and he entered. Advancing with easy assurance to
take my hand, I shrunk from his touch, with an involuntary start, as I should
have done from a noisome reptile, with more disgust than terror. His
conductress was retiring, to give us, as she said, an opportunity to
accommodate matters. But I bade her come in, or I would go out; and curiosity
impelled her to obey me.
"Mr. Venables began to expostulate; and this woman, proud of his
confidence, to second him. But I calmly silenced her, in the midst of a vulgar
harangue, and turning to him, asked, 'Why he vainly tormented me? declaring
that no power on earth should force me back to his house.'
"After a long altercation, the particulars of which, it would be to no
purpose to repeat, he left the room. Some time was spent in loud conversation
in the parlour below, and I discovered that he had brought his friend, an
attorney, with him.*
* In the original edition the
paragraph following ispreceded by three lines of asterisks [Publisher's note].
"The tumult on the landing place, brought out a gentleman, who had
recently taken apartments in the house; he enquired why I was thus assailed?*
The voluble attorney instantly repeated the trite tale. The stranger turned to
me, observing, with the most soothing politeness and manly interest, that 'my
countenance told a very different story.' He added, 'that I should not be
insulted, or forced out of the house, by any body.'
* The introduction of Darnford as the deliverer of Maria, in an early stage
of the history, is already stated (Chap.III.) to have been an after-thought of
the author. This has probably caused the imperfectness of the manuscript in the
above passage; though, at the same time, it must be acknowledged to be somewhat
uncertain, whether Darnford is the stranger intended in this place. It appears from Chap. XVII, that an interference
of a more decisive nature was designed to be attributed to him. EDITOR. [Godwin's note]
"'Not by her husband?' asked the attorney.
"'No, sir, not by her husband.' Mr. Venables advanced towards him— But
there was a decision in his attitude, that so well seconded that of his voice,
* They left the house: at the same time protesting, that any one that should
dare to protect me, should be prosecuted with the utmost rigour.
* Two and a half lines of
asterisks appear here in the original [Publisher's note].
"They were scarcely out of the house, when my landlady came up to me
again, and begged my pardon, in a very different tone. For, though Mr. Venables
had bid her, at her peril, harbour me, he had not attended, I found, to her
broad hints, to discharge the lodging. I instantly promised to pay her, and
make her a present to compensate for my abrupt departure, if she would procure
me another lodging, at a sufficient distance; and she, in return, repeating Mr.
Venables' plausible tale, I raised her indignation, and excited her sympathy,
by telling her briefly the truth.
"She expressed her commiseration with such honest warmth, that I felt
soothed; for I have none of that fastidious sensitiveness, which a vulgar
accent or gesture can alarm to the disregard of real kindness. I was ever glad
to perceive in others the humane feelings I delighted to exercise; and the
recollection of some ridiculous characteristic circumstances, which have
occurred in a moment of emotion, has convulsed me with laughter, though at the
instant I should have thought it sacrilegious to have smiled. Your improvement,
my dearest girl, being ever present to me while I write, I note these feelings,
because women, more accustomed to observe manners than actions, are too much
alive to ridicule. So much so, that their boasted sensibility is often stifled
by false delicacy. True sensibility, the sensibility which is the auxiliary of
virtue, and the soul of genius, is in society so occupied with the feelings of
others, as scarcely to regard its own sensations. With what reverence have I
looked up at my uncle, the dear parent of my mind! When I have seen the sense
of his own sufferings, of mind and body, absorbed in a desire to comfort those,
whose misfortunes were comparatively trivial. He would have been ashamed of
being as indulgent to himself, as he was to others. 'Genuine fortitude,' he
would assert, 'consisted in governing our own emotions, and making allowance
for the weaknesses in our friends, that we would not tolerate in ourselves.'
But where is my fond regret leading me!
"'Women must be submissive,' said my landlady. 'Indeed what could most
women do? Who had they to maintain them, but their husbands? Every woman, and
especially a lady, could not go through rough and smooth, as she had done, to
earn a little bread.'
"She was in a talking mood, and proceeded to inform me how she had
been used in the world. 'She knew what it was to have a bad husband, or she did
not know who should.' I perceived that she would be very much mortified, were I
not to attend to her tale, and I did not attempt to interrupt her, though I
wished her, as soon as possible, to go out in search of a new abode for me,
where I could once more hide my head.
"She began by telling me, 'That she had saved a little money in
service; and was over-persuaded (we must all be in love once in our lives) to
marry a likely man, a footman in the family, not worth a groat. My plan,' she
continued, 'was to take a house, and let out lodgings; and all went on well,
till my husband got acquainted with an impudent slut, who chose to live on
other people's means--and then all went to rack and ruin. He ran in debt to buy
her fine clothes, such clothes as I never thought of wearing myself, and--would
you believe it?--he signed an execution on my very goods, bought with the money
I worked so hard to get; and they came and took my bed from under me, before I
heard a word of the matter. Aye, madam, these are misfortunes that you
gentlefolks know nothing of,--but sorrow is sorrow, let it come which way it
will.
"'I sought for a service again--very hard, after having a house of my
own!--but he used to follow me, and kick up such a riot when he was drunk, that
I could not keep a place; nay, he even stole my clothes, and pawned them; and
when I went to the pawnbroker's, and offered to take my oath that they were not
bought with a farthing of his money, they said, 'It was all as one, my husband
had a right to whatever I had.'
"'At last he listed for a soldier, and I took a house, making an agreement
to pay for the furniture by degrees; and I almost starved myself, till I once
more got before-hand in the world.
"'After an absence of six years (God forgive me! I thought he was
dead)my husband returned; found me out, and came with such a penitent face, I
forgave him, and clothed him from head to foot. But he had not been a week in
the house, before some of his creditors arrested him; and, he selling my goods,
I found myself once more reduced to beggary; for I was not as well able to
work, go to bed late, and rise early, as when I quitted service; and then I
thought it hard enough. He was soon tired of me, when there was nothing more to
be had, and left me again.
"I will not tell you how I was buffeted about, till, hearing for
certain that he had died in an hospital abroad, I once more returned to my old
occupation; but have not yet been able to get my head above water: so, madam,
you must not be angry if I am afraid to run any risk, when I know so well, that
women have always the worst of it, when law is to decide.'
"After uttering a few more complaints, I prevailed on my landlady to
go out in quest of a lodging; and, to be more secure, I condescended to the
mean shift of changing my name.
"But why should I dwell on similar incidents!--I was hunted, like an
infected beast, from three different apartments, and should not have been
allowed to rest in any, had not Mr. Venables, informed of my uncle's dangerous
state of health, been inspired with the fear of hurrying me out of the world as
I advanced in my pregnancy, by thus tormenting and obliging me to take sudden
journeys to avoid him; and then his speculations on my uncle's fortune must
prove abortive.
"One day, when he had pursued me to an inn, I fainted, hurrying from
him; and, falling down, the sight of my blood alarmed him, and obtained a
respite for me. It is strange that he should have retained any hope, after
observing my unwavering determination; but, from the mildness of my behaviour,
when I found all my endeavours to change his disposition unavailing, he formed
an erroneous opinion of my character, imagining that, were we once more
together, I should part with the money he could not legally force from me, with
the same facility as formerly. My forbearance and occasional sympathy he had
mistaken for weakness of character; and, because he perceived that I disliked
resistance, he thought my indulgence and compassion mere selfishness, and never
discovered that the fear of being unjust, or of unnecessarily wounding the
feelings of another, was much more painful to me, than any thing I could have
to endure myself. Perhaps it was pride which made me imagine, that I could bear
what I dreaded to inflict; and that it was often easier to suffer, than to see
the sufferings of others.
"I forgot to mention that, during this persecution, I received a
letter from my uncle, informing me, 'that he only found relief from continual
change of air; and that he intended to return when the spring was a little more
advanced (it was now the middle of February), and then we would plan a journey
to Italy, leaving the fogs and cares of England far behind.' He approved of my
conduct, promised to adopt my child, and seemed to have no doubt of obliging
Mr. Venables to hear reason. He wrote to his friend, by the same post, desiring
him to call on Mr. Venables in his name; and, in consequence of the
remonstrances he dictated, I was permitted to lie-in tranquilly.
"The two or three weeks previous, I had been allowed to rest in peace;
but, so accustomed was I to pursuit and alarm, that I seldom closed my eyes
without being haunted by Mr. Venables' image, who seemed to assume terrific or
hateful forms to torment me, wherever I turned.—Sometimes a wild cat, a roaring
bull, or hideous assassin, whom I vainly attempted to fly; at others he was a
demon, hurrying me to the brink of a precipice, plunging me into dark waves, or
horrid gulfs; and I woke, in violent fits of trembling anxiety, to assure
myself that it was all a dream, and to endeavour to lure my waking thoughts to
wander to the delightful Italian vales, I hoped soon to visit; or to picture
some august ruins, where I reclined in fancy on a mouldering column, and
escaped, in the contemplation of the heart-enlarging virtues of antiquity, from
the turmoil of cares that had depressed all the daring purposes of my soul. But
I was not long allowed to calm my mind by the exercise of my imagination; for
the third day after your birth, my child, I was surprised by a visit from my
elder brother; who came in the most abrupt manner, to inform me of the death of
my uncle. He had left the greater part of his fortune to my child, appointing
me its guardian; in short, every step was taken to enable me to be mistress of
his fortune, without putting any part of it in Mr. Venables' power. My brother
came to vent his rage on me, for having, as he expressed himself, 'deprived
him, my uncle's eldest nephew, of his inheritance;' though my uncle's property,
the fruit of his own exertion, being all in the funds, or on landed securities,
there was not a shadow of justice in the charge.
"As I sincerely loved my uncle, this intelligence brought on a fever,
which I struggled to conquer with all the energy of my mind; for, in my
desolate state, I had it very much at heart to suckle you, my poor babe. You
seemed my only tie to life, a cherub, to whom I wished to be a father, as well
as a mother; and the double duty appeared to me to produce a proportionate
increase of affection. But the pleasure I felt, while sustaining you, snatched
from the wreck of hope, was cruelly damped by melancholy reflections on my
widowed state--widowed by the death of my uncle. Of Mr. Venables I thought not,
even when I thought of the felicity of loving your father, and how a mother's
pleasure might be exalted, and her care softened by a husband's
tenderness.--'Ought to be!' I exclaimed; and I endeavoured to drive away the
tenderness that suffocated me; but my spirits were weak, and the unbidden tears
would flow. 'Why was I,' I would ask thee, but thou didst not heed me,--'cut off
from the participation of the sweetest pleasure of life?' I imagined with what
extacy, after the pains of child-bed, I should have presented my little
stranger, whom I had so long wished to view, to a respectable father, and with
what maternal fondness I should have pressed them both to my heart!--Now I
kissed her with less delight, though with the most endearing compassion, poor
helpless one! when I perceived a slight resemblance of him, to whom she owed
her existence; or, if any gesture reminded me of him, even in his best days, my
heart heaved, and I pressed the innocent to my bosom, as if to purify it--yes,
I blushed to think that its purity had been sullied, by allowing such a man to
be its father.
"After my recovery, I began to think of taking a house in the country,
or of making an excursion on the continent, to avoid Mr. Venables; and to open
my heart to new pleasures and affection. The spring was melting into summer,
and you, my little companion, began to smile--that smile made hope bud out
afresh, assuring me the world was not a desert. Your gestures were ever present
to my fancy; and I dwelt on the joy I should feel when you would begin to walk
and lisp. Watching your wakening mind, and shielding from every rude blast my
tender blossom, I recovered my spirits--I dreamed not of the frost--'the
killing frost,' to which you were destined to be exposed.--But I lose all
patience--and execrate the injustice of the world--folly! ignorance!--I should
rather call it; but, shut up from a free circulation of thought, and always
pondering on the same griefs, I writhe under the torturing apprehensions, which
ought to excite only honest indignation, or active compassion; and would, could
I view them as the natural consequence of things. But, born a woman—and born to
suffer, in endeavouring to repress my own emotions, I feel more acutely the
various ills my sex are fated to bear--I feel that the evils they are subject
to endure, degrade them so far below their oppressors, as almost to justify
their tyranny; leading at the same time superficial reasoners to term that
weakness the cause, which is only the consequence of short-sighted
despotism."